Post by Her Imperial Majesty Kalinda I on Jul 3, 2023 6:37:11 GMT -5
STREAMED IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE EVENT IN LANSDOWNE PARK in OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA JULY 1, 2023 |
BACKSTAGE
Fade backstage to Chad Gilchrist, fully glammed up and psyched for his upcoming match with Kalinda Kriegsdottir, exiting the locker room while face-timing with Marisol Vilaro.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I got this in the bag, don't you worry, my secret weapon is all ready to deploy and everything.
MARISOL VILARO:
(on phone)
I appreciate you looking out and taking the initiative while I can't be there.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's why I'm here! I'm gonna show that bubblegum blowhard why... she should... oh fuck.
His cheery expression instantly fades to one of abject horror as he sees... the five Black Crusade cohorts of Kalinda Kriegsdottir: Jiritsu, PyreBird, Climax, Katsudo, and Seiki!
The camera turns dramatically from his expression to reveal them, all carrying long pipes (except for Climax, who's carrying a green vuvuzela); Seiki drags his along the ground to make supposedly-menacing screeching sounds.
PYREBIRD:
Secret weapon, huh? You think you're gonna survive long enough to use it?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Okay... now hold on... (turns to phone) Marisol, I'm gonna have to call you back later...
JIRITSU:
I believe the phrase in English is 'your chickens have come home to fornicate'.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Roost.
JIRITSU:
I have heard it both ways.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(scoffs dismissively)
Okay, Shawn Spencer.
JIRITSU:
Who is that?
Chad narrows his eyes and tilts his head, puzzled at that response.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
...You're weird.
JIRITSU:
And you are dead meat.
Everybody slaps their pipes (vuvuzela in Climax's case) against their palms to punctuate the threat, as Chad takes a huge deep breath... AND THEN RUNS!
The Black Crusade all chase him through the backstage area as he tries to both get away from them, AND make his way to ringside for his match!
The 2 camera-people (one following the BC, one following Chad) get all their cardio for the day in with their Herculean efforts at keeping up with the running, as the chase rounds several corners and down several corridors.
PYREBIRD:
RUNNING WILL ONLY INCREASE THE BEATINGS, CHAD!
The chase leads down to a dead-end as Chad, pursued by the quintet, finds himself at a door with "TO ARENA" on it. He lets out a "whew" of relief and opens the door, hurrying thru as the five bear down on him... but he's in for a surprise... because as soon as he slams the door behind him, the sign on the door falls off, clattering on the ground as another sign underneath it is revealed: "HOUSE OF MIRRORS ENTRANCE".
PYREBIRD:
(grinning)
All according to 'keikaku'.
She turns to the camera.
PYREBIRD:
Keikaku' means 'plan'.
MEANWHILE, inside the very strangely located House Of Mirrors, Chad turns around rapidly, his reflection in the many mirrors around him.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Oh COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK!
The various reflections of him are, as expected from a House Of Mirrors, distorted in various ways. Suddenly, the Black Crusade also appear in the mirrors.
CLIMAX:
あなたはひどい運命に遭遇しましたね?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I don't speak Japanese, dammit!
Chad frantically tries to go back from whence he came, but no entrance door is to be found.
In fact, other than the surprisingly well-lit mirrors all around him making a very photogenically filmable maze, the entire room is actually pitch-black.
He tries to navigate this maze that seems to be arranged with no rhyme or reason as the five members taunt him and laugh at him constantly.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Oh yeah? WELL... WHAT IF I break a mirror?
PYREBIRD:
That would be 7 years of bad luck, as well as many cuts, billing for replacement and clean-up, and also, you wouldn't make it out because you don't even know if any of these are in front of a door at all!
They continue pointing and laughing at him as he tries to make his way around, frequently going by mirrors that squash his reflection into dwarf-like proportions, while others widen him to memetically stretched levels.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(perplexed)
...Where all all the 'tall and thin' ones?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(appearing on a mirror)
These mirrors are meant to demoralize you, Bingus von Dingus! Most human people think 'tall and thin' is flattering.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You diabolical drake! Preying on insecurities like that!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(grinning wickedly)
Except WE'RE not trying to do it to sell dubious 'wellness lifestyle' products.
A beat.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(mockingly)
Maybe if you 'Trusted the System' you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
How dare you!
He looks frantically around, and a spotlight suddenly illuminates one of the Black Crusade's recently-introduced "Comically Large Mallets" leaning against a mirror.
Chad narrows his eyes incredulously.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(flatly)
There's no way you made this that easy, and just to make fun of The Vilaro System for only a single line of dialogue.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Any amount more than zero is never a wasted amount, Chad-enfreude!
A beat, and a smirk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Go ahead... you know you want to.
Suddenly, the mirror the Comically Large Mallet is leaning against lights up with "SMASH HAMMER HERE" on it, in blinking neon text.
Chad cautiously sidles over to the Mallet and lifts it up, before BRINGING DOWN THE HAMMER on the mirror... !
*THUNK*
The Mallet bounces off of it, and it turns out the mirror was made with that super-strong hammer-proof cell phone protector glass from the infomercials.
Kalinda and the other 5 cackle loudly and their maniacally boisterous laughter echoes across the entire hall.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
OF COURSE it wasn't that easy. Dicks.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
YOU FOOL! You fell for the clearly-obviously-a-fake ruse!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(exasperated)
HOW COULD I HAVE FALLEN FOR IT IF I ALREADY ASSUMED IT WAS FAKE?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I don't make the rules, I just mercilessly mock you for falling victim to them! MUHUUHUHUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Chad seethes, as an idea suddenly comes to him, and he raises the Mallet, aiming at Kalinda's mirror.
He tries to navigate this maze that seems to be arranged with no rhyme or reason as the five members taunt him and laugh at him constantly.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Oh yeah? WELL... WHAT IF I break a mirror?
PYREBIRD:
That would be 7 years of bad luck, as well as many cuts, billing for replacement and clean-up, and also, you wouldn't make it out because you don't even know if any of these are in front of a door at all!
They continue pointing and laughing at him as he tries to make his way around, frequently going by mirrors that squash his reflection into dwarf-like proportions, while others widen him to memetically stretched levels.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(perplexed)
...Where all all the 'tall and thin' ones?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(appearing on a mirror)
These mirrors are meant to demoralize you, Bingus von Dingus! Most human people think 'tall and thin' is flattering.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You diabolical drake! Preying on insecurities like that!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(grinning wickedly)
Except WE'RE not trying to do it to sell dubious 'wellness lifestyle' products.
A beat.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
(mockingly)
Maybe if you 'Trusted the System' you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
How dare you!
He looks frantically around, and a spotlight suddenly illuminates one of the Black Crusade's recently-introduced "Comically Large Mallets" leaning against a mirror.
Chad narrows his eyes incredulously.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(flatly)
There's no way you made this that easy, and just to make fun of The Vilaro System for only a single line of dialogue.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Any amount more than zero is never a wasted amount, Chad-enfreude!
A beat, and a smirk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Go ahead... you know you want to.
Suddenly, the mirror the Comically Large Mallet is leaning against lights up with "SMASH HAMMER HERE" on it, in blinking neon text.
Chad cautiously sidles over to the Mallet and lifts it up, before BRINGING DOWN THE HAMMER on the mirror... !
*THUNK*
The Mallet bounces off of it, and it turns out the mirror was made with that super-strong hammer-proof cell phone protector glass from the infomercials.
Kalinda and the other 5 cackle loudly and their maniacally boisterous laughter echoes across the entire hall.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
OF COURSE it wasn't that easy. Dicks.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
YOU FOOL! You fell for the clearly-obviously-a-fake ruse!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
(exasperated)
HOW COULD I HAVE FALLEN FOR IT IF I ALREADY ASSUMED IT WAS FAKE?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I don't make the rules, I just mercilessly mock you for falling victim to them! MUHUUHUHUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Chad seethes, as an idea suddenly comes to him, and he raises the Mallet, aiming at Kalinda's mirror.
He swings downward mightily... AND IT SHATTERS!
SUDDENLY, he finds himself at the entrance stage of ringside, Comically Oversized Mallet in his hands... as Kalinda's five Black Crusade teammates are at the far opposite side of the ring... and playing Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme on 2 kazoos, 2 recorders, and a singular green vuvuzela.
BLACK CRUSADE WORLDWIDE:
*DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO... HORRRRRRRNNNN; DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, HORRRRRRRNNNN*
RING ANNOUNCER:
The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! INTRODUCING FIRST, representing VilaroFit, the 'Man of the Century'... CHAD... GILCHRIST!"
Chad looks around, confused as to how the House Of Mirrors ended up simply leading to the stage, but he shakes his head and dismisses it as simple mind games from his opponent, Kalinda Kriegsdottir, as he heads to the ring, holding the Comically Oversized Mallet to defend himself from any further shenanigans as the kazoo-recorder and vuvuzela rendition of "Glass Shatters" continues being performed by the BCWW.
Of course, Chad is also accompanied by the boos of the crowd, with derisive laughter over his misfortune being added in.
SUDDENLY, he finds himself at the entrance stage of ringside, Comically Oversized Mallet in his hands... as Kalinda's five Black Crusade teammates are at the far opposite side of the ring... and playing Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme on 2 kazoos, 2 recorders, and a singular green vuvuzela.
BLACK CRUSADE WORLDWIDE:
*DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO... HORRRRRRRNNNN; DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO, HORRRRRRRNNNN*
RING ANNOUNCER:
The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! INTRODUCING FIRST, representing VilaroFit, the 'Man of the Century'... CHAD... GILCHRIST!"
Chad looks around, confused as to how the House Of Mirrors ended up simply leading to the stage, but he shakes his head and dismisses it as simple mind games from his opponent, Kalinda Kriegsdottir, as he heads to the ring, holding the Comically Oversized Mallet to defend himself from any further shenanigans as the kazoo-recorder and vuvuzela rendition of "Glass Shatters" continues being performed by the BCWW.
Of course, Chad is also accompanied by the boos of the crowd, with derisive laughter over his misfortune being added in.
He makes his way into the ring as the BCWW conclude their song, Climax continuing his vuvuzela-ing, and the other four sarcastically clap at Chad, while he shouts various unprintable invectives at them that are barely picked up by the ringside microphones.
The lights cut out and suddenly Officer Oinker is at the top of the ramp in all his Big Bossman librarian-esque gimp-masked glory, coaxing techno-y noises out of his keytar, and then the spectral drummer joins in, shortly followed by the Electrocuted Groom and Unquiet Bride on their guitars as they cover Gravity Kills' cover of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus."
Out walks Kalinda Kriegsdottir, the Dragon Queen sporting attire that's half camo print and half ghillie suit for some reason. She turns around, pokes her butt out at the camera and slaps the upper part of her tail, which for some reason is sporting a ghillie sleeve.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass!
Ah, there it is. Apparently that's the grass that Chad will be touching (or forced to touch) during the course of the match.
The rest of the Black Crusade quickly join Kalinda on the entry ramp and take up positions in a line behind her.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to crest your gills
From shady-type krills
BCWW all put their hands up by their cheeks and start flapping them to represent fish gills, while in the ring Chad Gilchrist complains vociferously that his surname has absolutely nothing to do with fish.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to kiss your butt
Someone who's nuts
It looks like the Black Crusade took a brief trip to Spencer's Gifts, as Katsudo has a novelty singing bass that they've added a cutout of the infamous Smilin' Chad image to, photoshopped so that the fish's big mouth functions as a pair of kissy lips.
The others each sport one of those dolls where they're looking over their shoulder and you squeeze an air bulb to make them pull down their pants and reveal their plush buttocks. Cutouts of Marisol Vilaro, Summer Page, Chris Mosh, and a paper plate that just reads "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS."
Knowing Chad's history with the Crusade, they've made him kiss an awful lot of exploding barbed wire boards over the years.
Katsudo goes down the line, having the Chadfish kiss each butt in turn.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feeling quite drunk
And you're very skunked
In your room
With your barren womb
Seiki staggers around the entry ramp in front of the other Crusaders with a Marisol Vilaro photo made into a mask on his face, a "Baby on Board'' sign with the red circle with a line through it on his midsection, and an oversized wineglass emblazoned with the legend "MARBEAR'S ONE MIMOSA A DAY GLASS'' on it. The other Crusade members have their backs turned.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Search for a redeemer
And get a a grinning wiener
The other four BCWW members turn around, wearing Chad's trademark smiling mug. They walk in a synchronized Fargo Strut, holding up finger guns and swaying their arms from side to side.
Chad, meanwhile, protests that he definitely does not walk like that.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
He's just the worst
Frontman since Fred Durst
BCWW have added red New York Yankees hats to their costumes and continue the Fargo Strut.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
A fat toothed freak
A big grinning geek
Always getting floored
By C4 barbed wire boards
Katsudo has removed his Chad-mask and has picked up the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS" butt-doll and takes turns ramming it into the heads of the other Chad-masked BCWW members, each of whom take a shot, bump, roll to the side, and then get back in line to take another bump.
With Seiki's last bump, Katsudo makes sure to have the doll drop its drawers and follows him to the ground, forcibly rubbing the doll's butt into Seiki's face.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
Reach out and touch grass
Each member of the Black Crusade pokes a finger onto a ghillie-grass area of Kalinda's attire. She scowls over her shoulder at a somewhat dazed Seiki, who has poked his finger into the one of her boobs that's ghillie covered, rather than flat camo. She takes the finger and forcibly inserts it into the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS'' doll's bottom, causing Seiki to frantically shake his hand, not enjoying the Little Dutchboy treatment.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to help you breathe
And to deceive
And they're back to doing the fish flaps again.
Well, except for Seiki.
He's got the doll sandwiched between his thighs and is trying frantically to free his trapped finger.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone's thousand-yard stare
Someone's not there
And the Smilin' Chad masks are back. But rather than Fargo Strut in time with the music, they're all just standing there motionless looking into the camera eerily.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feeling quite drunk
And you're very skunked
In your room
With your barren womb
Katsudo puts the Marisol mask on Seiki's head, as well as the giant mimosa glass and the "NO BABY ON BOARD" sign, forcing Seiki to go still or risk damaging the props.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Search for a redeemer
And get a a grinning wiener
Keeps getting floored
By C4 barbed wire boards
Katsudo drags Seiki around by the arm, bonking the faux-Chads once again with the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS'' doll as they take pratfalls Law of Conservation of Ninjitsu style.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
They continue to take falls as Kalinda slaps her tail again.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
And now they're all making fish flap motions from their places on their backs on the entry ramp.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
Reach out and touch grass
The Man of the Century puts a stop to the ridiculousness by chucking the Black Crusade-provided comically oversized mallet at the Necromancer Queen and missing, as the thing is whatever the exact opposite of aerodynamic is.
Kalinda slides into the ring while the rest of the Crusade circles around the mallet, acting as if Chad had just kicked their puppy.
KALINDA'S KATAKLYSM
UNSANCTIONED, ANYTHING GOES MATCH
CHAD GILCHRIST
vs
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
The two start with a staredown, or at least an attempt at a staredown, as Kalinda ends up about eye to nipple level with Chad. PyreBird slides in Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate, which the dragoness catches with her tail and scoots underneath herself in order to match Chad's height and allow the two to have a proper staredown.
Which Chad rudely breaks in order to look at the crowd and make doubtful "Are you guys seeing this too?" type motions.
The Necromancer Queen holds up a hand, wanting to go for a test of strength, an oddly traditional opening to an unsanctioned match. Well, aside from the entrances, and the milk crate, and… you know what? Forget I said anything.
Chad sighs and hesitantly goes for it, only for Kalinda to pull her hand away and raise her other one, which Chad is again denied. This repeats several times, getting faster and faster, until Kalinda is obviously dancing and she turns in a circle, where an exasperated Gilchrist slaps on a side headlock.
Kalinda tries several times to get Chad off (LEWD! NOT LIKE THAT!) but he quite stubbornly clings to her throughout.
And then Kalinda starts blowing raspberries on Chad's bare skin.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Ugh! Chad! You're supposed to be loyal to our favorite definitely not an evil cult leader! However could you inevitably betray her by taking up the Regan Voorhees diet, of all things!
And then she returns to making farty sounds.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That's not me!
Chad attempts to stop her ridiculousness by yanking her off her feet with a headlock takeover and taking it to the ground.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Of course it's not. You're the sort of guy who blames it on the dog at Thanksgiving.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Everyone knows that's you. It's not funny!
Kalinda will not be denied as she manages to wriggle herself into a position to where she can make more faux-toots.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Oh please! I have a literal furnace for a digestive system! I don't have any bacteria to produce smelly byproducts like you feeble humans! Own up to your badly-crafted biology!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's not me!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Are you blaming it on the ref?
Chad looks up at Ref Stef, who looks up from checking if Kalinda submits. Stef scowls and shakes her head, not wanting to be dragged into this weirdness.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'm not!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You totally are! You're accusing our dearly impartial referee of being a horrendous fartmongler!
Chad instinctively breaks the headlock, driven to an instinctive double facepalm.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Sweet freedom!
Kalinda kips up only to drop a back elbow at Chad, who pivots to catch the dragoness in a headscissors. Kalinda rotates and flips over into a bridge to cover Gilchrist.
One! Two!
Chad bridges up to standing, taking Kalinda with him, he twists the two of them around, going for a powerbomb, but Kalinda picks him up, looking to go for the Fall From Grace (Back-to-belly Piledriver). Chad wriggles free and takes Kalinda down with a school boy roll-up.
One! Two!
Kalinda uses her legs to yank Chad's arm over and rolls on top of him, hooking a leg.
One! Two!
Chad wedges both hands under Kalinda's bottom and shoves with enough force to shove her loose, he rolls to a standing position as Kalinda staggers, gripping her by the arms and driving her into a seated position. He flips over with the Y2G (Cattle Mutilation), but can only maintain it for a moment before Kalinda's tail is around his neck.
Valuing breathing more than keeping the submission locked on, Chad flips himself back over, staggering to one corner while Kalinda darts for the other, getting the ropes in between her and Chad to prevent further chain wrestling.
The crowd applauds politely for the momentary display of skill and athleticism that is surely about to be violently beaten and thrown out the window at any moment.
Hearkening back to earlier with the Black Crusade's odd anthropomorphization of inanimate objects, Chad takes two steps and punts Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate, sending him sailing out of the ring!
CLIMAX is just barely tall enough with arms outstretched to catch Kalinda's glitter-glue covered "manager," and the big man is promptly showered with Sinistrous' sparkly craft herpes as a result.
The Crusade brandish their pipes and slide into the ring, going after Chad, but Kalinda puts herself in the way while Chad bails to the outside. Kalinda apparently wants this to be a proper boss battle with none of these newfangled things like "adds."
Kalinda follows the Man of the Century to the outside, where Chad is digging under the ring for something.
Kalinda goes to grab him, only for Chad to emerge with a head swollen to several times its normal size, frozen in his trademark dead-eyed rictus of a grin.
The dragoness shrieks and backs away, only for Chad to throw the Fathead of his fat head at Kalinda and then sneak behind her for a school boy!
One! Two!
While stunned by the Giant-Sized Man Thing (LEWD! NOT LIKE THAT!), it's not enough to keep Kalinda down. But Chad's giant grinning face has apparently been strategically reinforced to also serve as a weapon. Chad slams it into Kalinda's back, the dragoness staggering away and jumping the guard barricade to prevent further assault by a swollen-headed egomaniac using an even more swollen version of his own head.
It is now time for the classic Black Crusade walk 'n brawl, though as an unsanctioned match falls do not have to actually take place in the ring, and thus the usual forced double countout cannot take place.
Chad is, sadly, forced to part with his Fathead (not his fat head, he still has that, he's not spontaneously turning into some kind of Dullahan. Which would be awesome, so of course he's never going to do that) as it's too wide to fit. Gilchrist is literally being made to check his ego at the door.
While cameramen rush to find where exactly in the bowels of the arena the two combatants have gone, the remainder of the Black Crusade take seats on the ring apron facing the big screen. They've gotten popcorn from somewhere and are, as usual, somehow managing to eat it through their masks.
Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate also seems to have acquired a massively oversized Band-Aid on his side where Chad kicked him, and his evil eyebrows are now EXTRA scowly.
Somewhere backstage, Intern Steve is being made to pack up unsold merch and is currently wrapping bales of unwanted t-shirts in plastic wrap and sealing them to a pallet with a tape gun so they can be carried out with a forklift.
Steve looks at the nausea-inducing, leering image of Chad Gilchrist adorning his latest pile, this one a heather gray t-shirt that's looking to mimic the standard fitness wear with navy Vilaro Fitness-related text and logos. The intern winces and adds it as the last of the current stack, securing it in plastic wrap and then taping it onto the pallet.
Most likely to keep the stench of Canadian wildfire smoke from seeping into the merch.
It's not like the shirts come alive and the image of Chad Gilchrist will attempt to eat your face and replace it with his own.
Probably.
Steve just barely manages to step out of the way as Kalinda Kriegsdottir is thrown forcefully into the pile of soft, cushiony shirts.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Hi, Steve!
Kalinda pulls her gauntleted arm from where it was embedded in the pallet, taking a shirt with it.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Bye, Steve!
The dragoness flings the shirt at Chad Gilchrist and the Man of the Century lets out an ever-so-slightly unmanly (also of the Century) shriek at seeing his own grinning face rocketing towards him at speed.
He flails about for a few moments before removing the shirt from his face and OH MY GOD! IT'S NOT AN URBAN LEGEND! THE SHIRT HAS EATEN CHAD GILCHRIST'S FACE AND REPLACED IT WITH ITS OWN, FOREVER TRAPPING THE ORIGINAL FACE UPON THE SHIRT FOREVER!
Oh.
Wait.
Hold on.
It's the same guy on the shirt, so of course they look the same.
Chad ducks a swung pair of studded Real Genuine Faux-leather Walker Hill Assless Chaps and kicks Kalinda in the backside, sending her into the pallet of merch again. He grabs a pair of Donovan Bash "DJEB!" foam fingers, places them over his hands and hits Kalinda with the foam-enhanced kancho.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
ARGH! A THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!
Kalinda fights back wearing a pair of Hulk Hands-inspired Gorgo fists in MMA gloves, sending Chad sprawling over the table.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
How could you, Chadrick? Ruining all of Steve's hard work like this!
She jumps over the table, raining oversized fists down upon the Man of the Century's noggin. Chad grabs her by ponytail and yanks her back, getting to his feet and slamming her repeatedly into the table.
Bang! There goes the stack of Katsudo and Seiki NFT Coloring Books.
Bonk! A pile of the Black Crusade's own "To Keep Chris Mosh amused for hours flip this card over" plastic cards with the message and the Black Crusade logo on both sides.
He drags her across another table, upsetting row upon row of bikini calendars from like half the roster. Including CLIMAX for some reason, who has his own where he's in provocative poses while wearing skimpy swimwear over his regular attire.
Upon seeing this, Chad dry heaves a few times, distracted long enough for Kalinda to hit him across the noggin with a big pink rubber garbage can with black spots on it and a logo of a cute pig on it.
Excuse me, I'm being told that's an official Regan Voorhees "Lil Diogenes Porcine-Themed Dwelling for the Disadvantaged and Destitute."
Chad staggers and leans up against the merch pallet for support and just barely manages to dodge a Mephisto Waltz (superkick to the throat) from Kalinda's taloned foot by the skin of his teeth. She manages to get embedded in the shirts again and attempts to punch Chad is his stupid, grinning mug. Much like the tale of the tarbaby, this also results in Kalinda getting her arm stuck.
Gilchrist grins (though not a full 1.0 on the Chad Grin-O-Meter, more like a .54) and grabs the tape gun, wrapping tape around Kalinda's wrists, binding her arms together, shortly followed by going around her torso, pinning her arms against her body. With only the leverage of being able to hop on a single leg, and even then not for long, the dragoness is rapidly trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Chalcedony, I order you to put your stupid face in front of my face so I can bite you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'm obviously not going to do that.
Chad grabs Kalinda by the horns and flings her over another table of merch, sending a row of Cloud 9 "Novelty Shaped Flower Vases" clattering to the floor before seizing the dragoness by the tail and dragging her away.
Steve is left alone to look over the carnage, standing in the midst of the mess.
INTERN STEVE:
Well… fu…
Kalinda manages to slither around the corner.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Steve, language!
INTERN STEVE:
Frick.
Back to the action as Chad drags the tape-mummified Kalinda down the loading dock ramp.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Hey, do you know what's out here?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I don't know, do you have your dignity and self-respect out here turning tricks?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
What? No! What IS out here, however, is more than 20' of open space. So you know what that means?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Half your mother can show up?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No! It means that I can do this!
Chad grabs Kalinda by the tail, just below the flufftuft so that he's out of reach of the claws on her feet, he begins to spin.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
OH YOU SON OF A TOOTHPASTE SALESMAN AND A CAVITY-RIDDEN WHORE! NO ONE GETS TO GAY BOWSER ME!
Chad manages to get up to speed, swinging Kalinda around and around in a circle.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That's not actually what Mario says! It's "So long, King Bowser!"
The Man of the Century lets go, sending the Dragon Empress sailing into the midst of the parking lot.
Kalinda manages to worm-wriggle her way up to a kneeling position and a pair of headlights click on across the lot.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Oh, this is familiar.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Yeah, you just will not SHUT UP about that one time you got hit by a car and went on to win a match.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Do you actually have any original thoughts in that head of yours, or is it just an empty void that you use to store your dental hygiene supplies?
Chad begins taping Kalinda's legs and tail to the ground.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
So are you regretting sending away your minions yet?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Not really. I said I don't need them to beat you, and I meant it! I gave you the token boss rush re-encounter with the Archfiends of the Elements, and even went and magnanimously shared part of my production budget for big time entrances to have that hall of mirrors made for your entrance!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Uh huh.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I figured it'd be right up your alley, and I was right! Just look at how derivative you are with the whole parking lot run me over thing. The Austin 3:16 throwback was perfect for you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Says the lady who has taken her entire schtick from JRPG tropes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
It's not just JRPG tropes! The Four Heavenly Kings is a thing all over Japanese media, branching from the Four Winds and their associated beasts.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I don't care!
Chad continues applying more tape, wanting to make absolutely, positively sure that Kalinda stays put and can't dodge a moving car.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well you should! Or would you prefer I start talking about the Four Horsemen, the biblical ones, not the wrestling ones?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'd very much rather you just didn't talk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Yeahhhh, that's not an option.
Chad finishes off the taping job and grabs Kalinda by the shoulders, wriggling her around a bit to see if he can get her loose and thus would need to apply still more tape.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
And behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures saying, "A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius; but do not damage the oil and the wine."
Chad just shakes his head and backs away, apparently satisfied with the dragoness' sticky situation and signaling his mystery accomplice in the car, who starts revving the engine.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You suck as an Evil Overlord, though. You didn't even have me fight four whatevers, since Sanic and Kankles aren't actually signed to UPRISING.
The dragoness cackles.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Ha! I got you to call them Sanic and Kankles too!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Dammit! I don't need your stupid nicknames for your equally stupid minions!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
So, yeah, the lack of a proper Fourth Horseman really bothered me too, so I took steps to rectify it.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
What do you mean you took steps to rectify it?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, it's too late now to get them involved, but then again it's not really too late to get them INVOLVED.
The sound of a massive air horn echoes across the parking lot as the Black Crusade's BIG BLACK SCHOOLBUS FROM HELL rockets across the parking lot and slams into the side of Chad's hit-car, pushing it across the parking lot and sandwiching it between the bus itself and a dumpster.
The door folds open and Senor Hush steps out. The tall, lanky masked man brings out a small folding tray, sets down a delicate china cup, pours steaming water from a tiny pot, and lifts it up, looking directly at Chad Gilchrist as he dunks a tiny bag of dried leaves in the steaming water.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
He's literally teabagging you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Shut up!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm a villain of style and culture, dammit! I can't believe that you thought I wouldn't get myself a proper Four Demon Kings thing going on!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Hush!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Yeah, that's the guy. He's an OG Black Crusade member that I've had show up for a few things here and there, but he's signed the papers to become an active UPRISING wrestler.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No, I mean hush yourself!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No, I'm Kalinda! Hush is the guy over there making tea and gyrating his pelvis at you.
The camera looks over to find that Senor Hush is indeed swiveling his hips while continuing to daintily dip his teabag.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Anyway, how did you think I wouldn't plan for this? Attempted vehicular manslaughter is like literally the only thing Marbear and the Hair-Bear Bunch have ever managed to actually pull off against me, so of course y'all would try it again.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Nope! Not happening, buster!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That wasn't a request, it was a warning.
The Man of the Century swings a stop sign smacking it right into Kalinda's unprotected head.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
OWWWW!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop talking!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NEVER!
Chad thwacks the sign across Kalinda's back.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NO!
THWACK!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
CEASE!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NYET!
THWACK!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
DESIST!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NEIN!
Chad props the stop sign on Kalinda's back and hops up on top of a car to deliver his patented 21st Century Elbow Drop, only to have Kalinda suddenly burst into flame.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
HEY CHUD!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's Chad!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Do you know what the ignition point of packing tape is?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Neither do I, but it's definitely lower than the fire I can spit!
The burning Kalinda clumsily gets to her feet as enough tape burns away or goes molten to allow for movement. She begins to shamble towards the Man of the Century.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Oh hell no!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Choooooode! Chooooode!
The wrist-binding tape still hasn't burned all the way through, so Kalinda is forced to hold her arms out like an old school zombie.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's Chad!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm going to eat your brains!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
If you think that, then you're going to be seriously disappointed!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I mean, I know they're not very good brains, but you don't have to put yourself down like that, Chester Cheddar.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You know exactly what I mean!
Kalinda's enflamed ensemble has burned away enough to where the tape holding her arms together finally weakens enough for her to pull them apart.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
New plan, Chode! IT'S TIME FOR THE MOST HARDCORE HUG OF ALL TIME!
Kalinda parts her arms, flames still flickering in places on her body.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Nope.
Chad starts running back towards the arena.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Nope. Nope. Nope.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
LET ME LOVE YOU, GUY SMILEY! EMBRACE THE POWER OF POSITIVITY, AND ALSO SEVERAL HUNDRED DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!
The camera follows Kalinda as she becomes increasingly more nimble as more and the tape cocoon burns away and she goes from her zombie-like shuffle, to walking speed, to normal human running speed, to her usual "OH GOD, THERE'S A DAY-GLO VELOCIRAPTOR AFTER ME!" draconic gait.
She bursts through a side door, still something of a blazing horror.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NAUGHTY CHEESEMEN GO IN THE BURNING LOVE CHAMBER, THE ONE THAT ISN'T BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER'S LEGS!
Chad has managed to find a fire extinguisher and unloads it upon his incendiary opponent.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Would you stop it with my mother already?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Why? Your mother never stops, Chodwin. She's insatiable.
And we're back to the walk 'n brawl.
Chad manages to get the advantage, as Kalinda is still peeling bits of charred, no longer melty tape off of her various bits and doesn't quite have her full range of movement back.
A front dropkick from Gilchrist brings the brawl to an end, allowing Chad to get a run up and hit the Satellite Head Scissors (Triple Spin Headscissors), flinging Kalinda under a nearby table covered with black cloth.
Chad leans down to grab Kalinda, only to find himself face to face with a massively enlarged blow-up of Kalinda's face doing a complete mockery of his trademark grin. She's got her eyes crossed and her tongue sticking out.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You do know that I don't have a visceral reaction to that expression like you do, right?
Kalinda emerges, pretty much covered from the knees up by the giant face.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Really?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Yes, really.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You're absolutely certain that you're not going to pass out from sheer terror right now?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Positive.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, enjoy being wrong.
The face parts right down the middle, allowing a Black Crusade Comically Oversized Mallet to swing down and hit the Man of the Century right in his unsuspecting noggin. He collapses to the floor like his strings have been cut. The dragoness scrambles atop him to make a cover.
One! Two! Thre… no!
Chad just barely manages to kick out.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Did you bite down and dislodge some of your own redonkulously white teeth? Please say yes.
The pair manage to brawl their way up a stairwell, emerging in what looks like the arena's offices. Chad whips Kalinda down the hallway, only for the Necromancer Queen to hop up onto a copy machine in the hallway and come back at him with a back elbow. Chad manages to catch her and pivots, throwing her overhead through the cheap office door with a suplex.
Kalinda is up and comes at the Man of the Century with a clothesline, which Chad sidesteps, allowing him to grab Kalinda, using his favored high-angle backdrop to smash her right into the place glass of the office's exterior window. The glass doesn't break and Kalinda thuds onto the floor.
Gilchrist hops up onto the desk, likely going for the 21st Century Elbow Drop, only for Kalinda to roll out of the way for a straight jump. Chad readjusts, and Kalinda rolls some more. Chad adjusts, Kalinda rolls, and this repeats until Kalinda has rolled a 180 around the desk and Chad finally sighs with resignation and hops down on the opposing side of the desk, not wanting to risk any Kalinda shenanigans.
Only to discover that the desk itself is in fact shenanigans, as the dragoness shoves it into him, sandwiching Chad against the window. Kalinda pulls back for a moment and sizes Chad up, she lunges forward with a gauntlet-enhanced punch aimed right for his heart, but Chad just barely manages to shove the desk forward enough to allow him to roll out of the way.
Kalinda's strike manages to punch a hole through the glass window, which Chad stares at, horrified.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
DID YOU JUST TRY TO TEMPLE OF DOOM ME?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No!
She holds up her gauntleted hand in a cupped pose.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You'd need to go in at an angle to scoop out the heart if you want it intact, and I'd have to go up and under, not through.
Chad takes advantage of the demonstration by swinging a potted tree by the trunk at the dragoness, who ducks it and grabs Chad by the waist.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Pretty sure I saw some grass outside that window for you to touch.
Kalinda manages to heft Gilchrist off the ground and hucks him at the semi-broken window at a 45 degree angle, but thankfully for Chad he mostly manages to land on the side of the desk.
Unfortunately for Chad, he mostly managed to land on the side of the desk, meaning he got a right angle of wood right in the spine. Kalinda kicks off the wall between windows and drops a cannonball senton onto Chad, but Chad manages to catch her right in the act and swings to the side, getting to his feet and shoving the desk away from the window in the process.
He wrangles the squirming dragoness up onto his shoulders in a fireman's carry, TURN OF THE CENTURY!
NO!
Kalinda wall runs with the spin, putting Chad off balance and showing him into the office's lone rolling chair and she continues spinning, having grabbed Chad by the leg.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
SO LONG, GAY BOWSER!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
WHAT?! NO! YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE!
Kalinda lets go and Chad goes sailing, his office chair chariot shattering the window and sending Chad toppling out of it.
The dragoness goes to the window to survey her dastardly deed.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
DAMMIT!
The camera peers over Kalinda's shoulder to see that Chad has just barely managed to catch himself in a tree, just barely holding on by having wedged his hands and his feet between two branches.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'M OKAY!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Say...
CHAD GILCHRIST:
WHAT?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That looks like some spectacularly tangible grass down there at the bottom of the tree!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Let me help you touch it!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
And let me help you hit every branch of this ugly tree on the way down!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
NO!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
REACH OUT AND TOUCH GRASS!
Kalinda gets a bit of a run up and down a one-handed gauntleted handstand amidst the broken glass, flipping out to land with both feet planted on Chad's shoulders, dislodging him from the tree like a particularly stubborn bag of chips in a vending machine.
The camera switches to an outdoor camera, catching the Necromancer Queen's flip out of the second story office window and her landing atop Chad.
And while the Man of the Century doesn't hit literally every branch of the way down, there are certainly an uncomfortably large number of small branches that break between the combined weight of Chad and Kalinda and the kinetic impact of the height-boosted Knight-Night.
Up in the office the referee calls for the bell, and also for medical attention for Chad, holding up the X.
Kalinda flops down against the tree's trunk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
There! Now you have officially touched grass!
WINNER (VIA REFEREE STOPPAGE) AND STILL A BETTER EVIL CULT LEADER THAN MARISOL VILARO KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
© UPRISING 2023
QUICKIE RESULT:
CHAD GILCHRIST vs. KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
CUT TO:
ABERDEEN PAVILION — ENTRYWAY.
The lights cut out and suddenly Officer Oinker is at the top of the ramp in all his Big Bossman librarian-esque gimp-masked glory, coaxing techno-y noises out of his keytar, and then the spectral drummer joins in, shortly followed by the Electrocuted Groom and Unquiet Bride on their guitars as they cover Gravity Kills' cover of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus."
Out walks Kalinda Kriegsdottir, the Dragon Queen sporting attire that's half camo print and half ghillie suit for some reason. She turns around, pokes her butt out at the camera and slaps the upper part of her tail, which for some reason is sporting a ghillie sleeve.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass!
Ah, there it is. Apparently that's the grass that Chad will be touching (or forced to touch) during the course of the match.
The rest of the Black Crusade quickly join Kalinda on the entry ramp and take up positions in a line behind her.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to crest your gills
From shady-type krills
BCWW all put their hands up by their cheeks and start flapping them to represent fish gills, while in the ring Chad Gilchrist complains vociferously that his surname has absolutely nothing to do with fish.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to kiss your butt
Someone who's nuts
It looks like the Black Crusade took a brief trip to Spencer's Gifts, as Katsudo has a novelty singing bass that they've added a cutout of the infamous Smilin' Chad image to, photoshopped so that the fish's big mouth functions as a pair of kissy lips.
The others each sport one of those dolls where they're looking over their shoulder and you squeeze an air bulb to make them pull down their pants and reveal their plush buttocks. Cutouts of Marisol Vilaro, Summer Page, Chris Mosh, and a paper plate that just reads "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS."
Knowing Chad's history with the Crusade, they've made him kiss an awful lot of exploding barbed wire boards over the years.
Katsudo goes down the line, having the Chadfish kiss each butt in turn.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feeling quite drunk
And you're very skunked
In your room
With your barren womb
Seiki staggers around the entry ramp in front of the other Crusaders with a Marisol Vilaro photo made into a mask on his face, a "Baby on Board'' sign with the red circle with a line through it on his midsection, and an oversized wineglass emblazoned with the legend "MARBEAR'S ONE MIMOSA A DAY GLASS'' on it. The other Crusade members have their backs turned.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Search for a redeemer
And get a a grinning wiener
The other four BCWW members turn around, wearing Chad's trademark smiling mug. They walk in a synchronized Fargo Strut, holding up finger guns and swaying their arms from side to side.
Chad, meanwhile, protests that he definitely does not walk like that.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
He's just the worst
Frontman since Fred Durst
BCWW have added red New York Yankees hats to their costumes and continue the Fargo Strut.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
A fat toothed freak
A big grinning geek
Always getting floored
By C4 barbed wire boards
Katsudo has removed his Chad-mask and has picked up the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS" butt-doll and takes turns ramming it into the heads of the other Chad-masked BCWW members, each of whom take a shot, bump, roll to the side, and then get back in line to take another bump.
With Seiki's last bump, Katsudo makes sure to have the doll drop its drawers and follows him to the ground, forcibly rubbing the doll's butt into Seiki's face.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
Reach out and touch grass
Each member of the Black Crusade pokes a finger onto a ghillie-grass area of Kalinda's attire. She scowls over her shoulder at a somewhat dazed Seiki, who has poked his finger into the one of her boobs that's ghillie covered, rather than flat camo. She takes the finger and forcibly inserts it into the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS'' doll's bottom, causing Seiki to frantically shake his hand, not enjoying the Little Dutchboy treatment.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone to help you breathe
And to deceive
And they're back to doing the fish flaps again.
Well, except for Seiki.
He's got the doll sandwiched between his thighs and is trying frantically to free his trapped finger.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
Someone's thousand-yard stare
Someone's not there
And the Smilin' Chad masks are back. But rather than Fargo Strut in time with the music, they're all just standing there motionless looking into the camera eerily.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feeling quite drunk
And you're very skunked
In your room
With your barren womb
Katsudo puts the Marisol mask on Seiki's head, as well as the giant mimosa glass and the "NO BABY ON BOARD" sign, forcing Seiki to go still or risk damaging the props.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Search for a redeemer
And get a a grinning wiener
Keeps getting floored
By C4 barbed wire boards
Katsudo drags Seiki around by the arm, bonking the faux-Chads once again with the "EXPLODING BARBED WIRE BOARDS'' doll as they take pratfalls Law of Conservation of Ninjitsu style.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
They continue to take falls as Kalinda slaps her tail again.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Your own personal Gilchrist
And now they're all making fish flap motions from their places on their backs on the entry ramp.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Reach out and touch grass
Reach out and touch grass
The Man of the Century puts a stop to the ridiculousness by chucking the Black Crusade-provided comically oversized mallet at the Necromancer Queen and missing, as the thing is whatever the exact opposite of aerodynamic is.
Kalinda slides into the ring while the rest of the Crusade circles around the mallet, acting as if Chad had just kicked their puppy.
CUT TO:
ABERDEEN PAVILION — THE RING
KALINDA'S KATAKLYSM
UNSANCTIONED, ANYTHING GOES MATCH
CHAD GILCHRIST
vs
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
The two start with a staredown, or at least an attempt at a staredown, as Kalinda ends up about eye to nipple level with Chad. PyreBird slides in Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate, which the dragoness catches with her tail and scoots underneath herself in order to match Chad's height and allow the two to have a proper staredown.
Which Chad rudely breaks in order to look at the crowd and make doubtful "Are you guys seeing this too?" type motions.
The Necromancer Queen holds up a hand, wanting to go for a test of strength, an oddly traditional opening to an unsanctioned match. Well, aside from the entrances, and the milk crate, and… you know what? Forget I said anything.
Chad sighs and hesitantly goes for it, only for Kalinda to pull her hand away and raise her other one, which Chad is again denied. This repeats several times, getting faster and faster, until Kalinda is obviously dancing and she turns in a circle, where an exasperated Gilchrist slaps on a side headlock.
Kalinda tries several times to get Chad off (LEWD! NOT LIKE THAT!) but he quite stubbornly clings to her throughout.
And then Kalinda starts blowing raspberries on Chad's bare skin.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Ugh! Chad! You're supposed to be loyal to our favorite definitely not an evil cult leader! However could you inevitably betray her by taking up the Regan Voorhees diet, of all things!
And then she returns to making farty sounds.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That's not me!
Chad attempts to stop her ridiculousness by yanking her off her feet with a headlock takeover and taking it to the ground.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Of course it's not. You're the sort of guy who blames it on the dog at Thanksgiving.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Everyone knows that's you. It's not funny!
Kalinda will not be denied as she manages to wriggle herself into a position to where she can make more faux-toots.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Oh please! I have a literal furnace for a digestive system! I don't have any bacteria to produce smelly byproducts like you feeble humans! Own up to your badly-crafted biology!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's not me!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Are you blaming it on the ref?
Chad looks up at Ref Stef, who looks up from checking if Kalinda submits. Stef scowls and shakes her head, not wanting to be dragged into this weirdness.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'm not!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You totally are! You're accusing our dearly impartial referee of being a horrendous fartmongler!
Chad instinctively breaks the headlock, driven to an instinctive double facepalm.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Sweet freedom!
Kalinda kips up only to drop a back elbow at Chad, who pivots to catch the dragoness in a headscissors. Kalinda rotates and flips over into a bridge to cover Gilchrist.
One! Two!
Chad bridges up to standing, taking Kalinda with him, he twists the two of them around, going for a powerbomb, but Kalinda picks him up, looking to go for the Fall From Grace (Back-to-belly Piledriver). Chad wriggles free and takes Kalinda down with a school boy roll-up.
One! Two!
Kalinda uses her legs to yank Chad's arm over and rolls on top of him, hooking a leg.
One! Two!
Chad wedges both hands under Kalinda's bottom and shoves with enough force to shove her loose, he rolls to a standing position as Kalinda staggers, gripping her by the arms and driving her into a seated position. He flips over with the Y2G (Cattle Mutilation), but can only maintain it for a moment before Kalinda's tail is around his neck.
Valuing breathing more than keeping the submission locked on, Chad flips himself back over, staggering to one corner while Kalinda darts for the other, getting the ropes in between her and Chad to prevent further chain wrestling.
The crowd applauds politely for the momentary display of skill and athleticism that is surely about to be violently beaten and thrown out the window at any moment.
Hearkening back to earlier with the Black Crusade's odd anthropomorphization of inanimate objects, Chad takes two steps and punts Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate, sending him sailing out of the ring!
CLIMAX is just barely tall enough with arms outstretched to catch Kalinda's glitter-glue covered "manager," and the big man is promptly showered with Sinistrous' sparkly craft herpes as a result.
The Crusade brandish their pipes and slide into the ring, going after Chad, but Kalinda puts herself in the way while Chad bails to the outside. Kalinda apparently wants this to be a proper boss battle with none of these newfangled things like "adds."
Kalinda follows the Man of the Century to the outside, where Chad is digging under the ring for something.
Kalinda goes to grab him, only for Chad to emerge with a head swollen to several times its normal size, frozen in his trademark dead-eyed rictus of a grin.
The dragoness shrieks and backs away, only for Chad to throw the Fathead of his fat head at Kalinda and then sneak behind her for a school boy!
One! Two!
While stunned by the Giant-Sized Man Thing (LEWD! NOT LIKE THAT!), it's not enough to keep Kalinda down. But Chad's giant grinning face has apparently been strategically reinforced to also serve as a weapon. Chad slams it into Kalinda's back, the dragoness staggering away and jumping the guard barricade to prevent further assault by a swollen-headed egomaniac using an even more swollen version of his own head.
It is now time for the classic Black Crusade walk 'n brawl, though as an unsanctioned match falls do not have to actually take place in the ring, and thus the usual forced double countout cannot take place.
Chad is, sadly, forced to part with his Fathead (not his fat head, he still has that, he's not spontaneously turning into some kind of Dullahan. Which would be awesome, so of course he's never going to do that) as it's too wide to fit. Gilchrist is literally being made to check his ego at the door.
While cameramen rush to find where exactly in the bowels of the arena the two combatants have gone, the remainder of the Black Crusade take seats on the ring apron facing the big screen. They've gotten popcorn from somewhere and are, as usual, somehow managing to eat it through their masks.
Sinistrous the Evil Milk Crate also seems to have acquired a massively oversized Band-Aid on his side where Chad kicked him, and his evil eyebrows are now EXTRA scowly.
Somewhere backstage, Intern Steve is being made to pack up unsold merch and is currently wrapping bales of unwanted t-shirts in plastic wrap and sealing them to a pallet with a tape gun so they can be carried out with a forklift.
Steve looks at the nausea-inducing, leering image of Chad Gilchrist adorning his latest pile, this one a heather gray t-shirt that's looking to mimic the standard fitness wear with navy Vilaro Fitness-related text and logos. The intern winces and adds it as the last of the current stack, securing it in plastic wrap and then taping it onto the pallet.
Most likely to keep the stench of Canadian wildfire smoke from seeping into the merch.
It's not like the shirts come alive and the image of Chad Gilchrist will attempt to eat your face and replace it with his own.
Probably.
Steve just barely manages to step out of the way as Kalinda Kriegsdottir is thrown forcefully into the pile of soft, cushiony shirts.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Hi, Steve!
Kalinda pulls her gauntleted arm from where it was embedded in the pallet, taking a shirt with it.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Bye, Steve!
The dragoness flings the shirt at Chad Gilchrist and the Man of the Century lets out an ever-so-slightly unmanly (also of the Century) shriek at seeing his own grinning face rocketing towards him at speed.
He flails about for a few moments before removing the shirt from his face and OH MY GOD! IT'S NOT AN URBAN LEGEND! THE SHIRT HAS EATEN CHAD GILCHRIST'S FACE AND REPLACED IT WITH ITS OWN, FOREVER TRAPPING THE ORIGINAL FACE UPON THE SHIRT FOREVER!
Oh.
Wait.
Hold on.
It's the same guy on the shirt, so of course they look the same.
Chad ducks a swung pair of studded Real Genuine Faux-leather Walker Hill Assless Chaps and kicks Kalinda in the backside, sending her into the pallet of merch again. He grabs a pair of Donovan Bash "DJEB!" foam fingers, places them over his hands and hits Kalinda with the foam-enhanced kancho.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
ARGH! A THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!
Kalinda fights back wearing a pair of Hulk Hands-inspired Gorgo fists in MMA gloves, sending Chad sprawling over the table.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
How could you, Chadrick? Ruining all of Steve's hard work like this!
She jumps over the table, raining oversized fists down upon the Man of the Century's noggin. Chad grabs her by ponytail and yanks her back, getting to his feet and slamming her repeatedly into the table.
Bang! There goes the stack of Katsudo and Seiki NFT Coloring Books.
Bonk! A pile of the Black Crusade's own "To Keep Chris Mosh amused for hours flip this card over" plastic cards with the message and the Black Crusade logo on both sides.
He drags her across another table, upsetting row upon row of bikini calendars from like half the roster. Including CLIMAX for some reason, who has his own where he's in provocative poses while wearing skimpy swimwear over his regular attire.
Upon seeing this, Chad dry heaves a few times, distracted long enough for Kalinda to hit him across the noggin with a big pink rubber garbage can with black spots on it and a logo of a cute pig on it.
Excuse me, I'm being told that's an official Regan Voorhees "Lil Diogenes Porcine-Themed Dwelling for the Disadvantaged and Destitute."
Chad staggers and leans up against the merch pallet for support and just barely manages to dodge a Mephisto Waltz (superkick to the throat) from Kalinda's taloned foot by the skin of his teeth. She manages to get embedded in the shirts again and attempts to punch Chad is his stupid, grinning mug. Much like the tale of the tarbaby, this also results in Kalinda getting her arm stuck.
Gilchrist grins (though not a full 1.0 on the Chad Grin-O-Meter, more like a .54) and grabs the tape gun, wrapping tape around Kalinda's wrists, binding her arms together, shortly followed by going around her torso, pinning her arms against her body. With only the leverage of being able to hop on a single leg, and even then not for long, the dragoness is rapidly trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Chalcedony, I order you to put your stupid face in front of my face so I can bite you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'm obviously not going to do that.
Chad grabs Kalinda by the horns and flings her over another table of merch, sending a row of Cloud 9 "Novelty Shaped Flower Vases" clattering to the floor before seizing the dragoness by the tail and dragging her away.
Steve is left alone to look over the carnage, standing in the midst of the mess.
INTERN STEVE:
Well… fu…
Kalinda manages to slither around the corner.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Steve, language!
INTERN STEVE:
Frick.
Back to the action as Chad drags the tape-mummified Kalinda down the loading dock ramp.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Hey, do you know what's out here?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I don't know, do you have your dignity and self-respect out here turning tricks?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
What? No! What IS out here, however, is more than 20' of open space. So you know what that means?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Half your mother can show up?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No! It means that I can do this!
Chad grabs Kalinda by the tail, just below the flufftuft so that he's out of reach of the claws on her feet, he begins to spin.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
OH YOU SON OF A TOOTHPASTE SALESMAN AND A CAVITY-RIDDEN WHORE! NO ONE GETS TO GAY BOWSER ME!
Chad manages to get up to speed, swinging Kalinda around and around in a circle.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That's not actually what Mario says! It's "So long, King Bowser!"
The Man of the Century lets go, sending the Dragon Empress sailing into the midst of the parking lot.
Kalinda manages to worm-wriggle her way up to a kneeling position and a pair of headlights click on across the lot.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Oh, this is familiar.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Yeah, you just will not SHUT UP about that one time you got hit by a car and went on to win a match.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Do you actually have any original thoughts in that head of yours, or is it just an empty void that you use to store your dental hygiene supplies?
Chad begins taping Kalinda's legs and tail to the ground.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
So are you regretting sending away your minions yet?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Not really. I said I don't need them to beat you, and I meant it! I gave you the token boss rush re-encounter with the Archfiends of the Elements, and even went and magnanimously shared part of my production budget for big time entrances to have that hall of mirrors made for your entrance!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Uh huh.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I figured it'd be right up your alley, and I was right! Just look at how derivative you are with the whole parking lot run me over thing. The Austin 3:16 throwback was perfect for you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Says the lady who has taken her entire schtick from JRPG tropes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
It's not just JRPG tropes! The Four Heavenly Kings is a thing all over Japanese media, branching from the Four Winds and their associated beasts.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I don't care!
Chad continues applying more tape, wanting to make absolutely, positively sure that Kalinda stays put and can't dodge a moving car.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well you should! Or would you prefer I start talking about the Four Horsemen, the biblical ones, not the wrestling ones?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'd very much rather you just didn't talk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Yeahhhh, that's not an option.
Chad finishes off the taping job and grabs Kalinda by the shoulders, wriggling her around a bit to see if he can get her loose and thus would need to apply still more tape.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
And behold, a black horse; and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures saying, "A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius; but do not damage the oil and the wine."
Chad just shakes his head and backs away, apparently satisfied with the dragoness' sticky situation and signaling his mystery accomplice in the car, who starts revving the engine.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You suck as an Evil Overlord, though. You didn't even have me fight four whatevers, since Sanic and Kankles aren't actually signed to UPRISING.
The dragoness cackles.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Ha! I got you to call them Sanic and Kankles too!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Dammit! I don't need your stupid nicknames for your equally stupid minions!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
So, yeah, the lack of a proper Fourth Horseman really bothered me too, so I took steps to rectify it.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
What do you mean you took steps to rectify it?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, it's too late now to get them involved, but then again it's not really too late to get them INVOLVED.
The sound of a massive air horn echoes across the parking lot as the Black Crusade's BIG BLACK SCHOOLBUS FROM HELL rockets across the parking lot and slams into the side of Chad's hit-car, pushing it across the parking lot and sandwiching it between the bus itself and a dumpster.
The door folds open and Senor Hush steps out. The tall, lanky masked man brings out a small folding tray, sets down a delicate china cup, pours steaming water from a tiny pot, and lifts it up, looking directly at Chad Gilchrist as he dunks a tiny bag of dried leaves in the steaming water.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
He's literally teabagging you.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Shut up!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm a villain of style and culture, dammit! I can't believe that you thought I wouldn't get myself a proper Four Demon Kings thing going on!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Hush!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Yeah, that's the guy. He's an OG Black Crusade member that I've had show up for a few things here and there, but he's signed the papers to become an active UPRISING wrestler.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No, I mean hush yourself!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No, I'm Kalinda! Hush is the guy over there making tea and gyrating his pelvis at you.
The camera looks over to find that Senor Hush is indeed swiveling his hips while continuing to daintily dip his teabag.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Anyway, how did you think I wouldn't plan for this? Attempted vehicular manslaughter is like literally the only thing Marbear and the Hair-Bear Bunch have ever managed to actually pull off against me, so of course y'all would try it again.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Nope! Not happening, buster!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
That wasn't a request, it was a warning.
The Man of the Century swings a stop sign smacking it right into Kalinda's unprotected head.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
OWWWW!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop talking!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NEVER!
Chad thwacks the sign across Kalinda's back.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Stop!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NO!
THWACK!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
CEASE!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NYET!
THWACK!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
DESIST!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NEIN!
Chad props the stop sign on Kalinda's back and hops up on top of a car to deliver his patented 21st Century Elbow Drop, only to have Kalinda suddenly burst into flame.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
HEY CHUD!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's Chad!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Do you know what the ignition point of packing tape is?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Neither do I, but it's definitely lower than the fire I can spit!
The burning Kalinda clumsily gets to her feet as enough tape burns away or goes molten to allow for movement. She begins to shamble towards the Man of the Century.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Oh hell no!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Choooooode! Chooooode!
The wrist-binding tape still hasn't burned all the way through, so Kalinda is forced to hold her arms out like an old school zombie.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
It's Chad!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm going to eat your brains!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
If you think that, then you're going to be seriously disappointed!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I mean, I know they're not very good brains, but you don't have to put yourself down like that, Chester Cheddar.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You know exactly what I mean!
Kalinda's enflamed ensemble has burned away enough to where the tape holding her arms together finally weakens enough for her to pull them apart.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
New plan, Chode! IT'S TIME FOR THE MOST HARDCORE HUG OF ALL TIME!
Kalinda parts her arms, flames still flickering in places on her body.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Nope.
Chad starts running back towards the arena.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Nope. Nope. Nope.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
LET ME LOVE YOU, GUY SMILEY! EMBRACE THE POWER OF POSITIVITY, AND ALSO SEVERAL HUNDRED DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!
The camera follows Kalinda as she becomes increasingly more nimble as more and the tape cocoon burns away and she goes from her zombie-like shuffle, to walking speed, to normal human running speed, to her usual "OH GOD, THERE'S A DAY-GLO VELOCIRAPTOR AFTER ME!" draconic gait.
She bursts through a side door, still something of a blazing horror.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
NAUGHTY CHEESEMEN GO IN THE BURNING LOVE CHAMBER, THE ONE THAT ISN'T BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER'S LEGS!
Chad has managed to find a fire extinguisher and unloads it upon his incendiary opponent.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Would you stop it with my mother already?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Why? Your mother never stops, Chodwin. She's insatiable.
And we're back to the walk 'n brawl.
Chad manages to get the advantage, as Kalinda is still peeling bits of charred, no longer melty tape off of her various bits and doesn't quite have her full range of movement back.
A front dropkick from Gilchrist brings the brawl to an end, allowing Chad to get a run up and hit the Satellite Head Scissors (Triple Spin Headscissors), flinging Kalinda under a nearby table covered with black cloth.
Chad leans down to grab Kalinda, only to find himself face to face with a massively enlarged blow-up of Kalinda's face doing a complete mockery of his trademark grin. She's got her eyes crossed and her tongue sticking out.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
You do know that I don't have a visceral reaction to that expression like you do, right?
Kalinda emerges, pretty much covered from the knees up by the giant face.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Really?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Yes, really.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You're absolutely certain that you're not going to pass out from sheer terror right now?
CHAD GILCHRIST:
Positive.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, enjoy being wrong.
The face parts right down the middle, allowing a Black Crusade Comically Oversized Mallet to swing down and hit the Man of the Century right in his unsuspecting noggin. He collapses to the floor like his strings have been cut. The dragoness scrambles atop him to make a cover.
One! Two! Thre… no!
Chad just barely manages to kick out.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Did you bite down and dislodge some of your own redonkulously white teeth? Please say yes.
The pair manage to brawl their way up a stairwell, emerging in what looks like the arena's offices. Chad whips Kalinda down the hallway, only for the Necromancer Queen to hop up onto a copy machine in the hallway and come back at him with a back elbow. Chad manages to catch her and pivots, throwing her overhead through the cheap office door with a suplex.
Kalinda is up and comes at the Man of the Century with a clothesline, which Chad sidesteps, allowing him to grab Kalinda, using his favored high-angle backdrop to smash her right into the place glass of the office's exterior window. The glass doesn't break and Kalinda thuds onto the floor.
Gilchrist hops up onto the desk, likely going for the 21st Century Elbow Drop, only for Kalinda to roll out of the way for a straight jump. Chad readjusts, and Kalinda rolls some more. Chad adjusts, Kalinda rolls, and this repeats until Kalinda has rolled a 180 around the desk and Chad finally sighs with resignation and hops down on the opposing side of the desk, not wanting to risk any Kalinda shenanigans.
Only to discover that the desk itself is in fact shenanigans, as the dragoness shoves it into him, sandwiching Chad against the window. Kalinda pulls back for a moment and sizes Chad up, she lunges forward with a gauntlet-enhanced punch aimed right for his heart, but Chad just barely manages to shove the desk forward enough to allow him to roll out of the way.
Kalinda's strike manages to punch a hole through the glass window, which Chad stares at, horrified.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
DID YOU JUST TRY TO TEMPLE OF DOOM ME?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No!
She holds up her gauntleted hand in a cupped pose.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You'd need to go in at an angle to scoop out the heart if you want it intact, and I'd have to go up and under, not through.
Chad takes advantage of the demonstration by swinging a potted tree by the trunk at the dragoness, who ducks it and grabs Chad by the waist.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Pretty sure I saw some grass outside that window for you to touch.
Kalinda manages to heft Gilchrist off the ground and hucks him at the semi-broken window at a 45 degree angle, but thankfully for Chad he mostly manages to land on the side of the desk.
Unfortunately for Chad, he mostly managed to land on the side of the desk, meaning he got a right angle of wood right in the spine. Kalinda kicks off the wall between windows and drops a cannonball senton onto Chad, but Chad manages to catch her right in the act and swings to the side, getting to his feet and shoving the desk away from the window in the process.
He wrangles the squirming dragoness up onto his shoulders in a fireman's carry, TURN OF THE CENTURY!
NO!
Kalinda wall runs with the spin, putting Chad off balance and showing him into the office's lone rolling chair and she continues spinning, having grabbed Chad by the leg.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
SO LONG, GAY BOWSER!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
WHAT?! NO! YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE!
Kalinda lets go and Chad goes sailing, his office chair chariot shattering the window and sending Chad toppling out of it.
The dragoness goes to the window to survey her dastardly deed.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
DAMMIT!
The camera peers over Kalinda's shoulder to see that Chad has just barely managed to catch himself in a tree, just barely holding on by having wedged his hands and his feet between two branches.
CHAD GILCHRIST:
I'M OKAY!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Say...
CHAD GILCHRIST:
WHAT?!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That looks like some spectacularly tangible grass down there at the bottom of the tree!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Let me help you touch it!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
No!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
And let me help you hit every branch of this ugly tree on the way down!
CHAD GILCHRIST:
NO!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
REACH OUT AND TOUCH GRASS!
Kalinda gets a bit of a run up and down a one-handed gauntleted handstand amidst the broken glass, flipping out to land with both feet planted on Chad's shoulders, dislodging him from the tree like a particularly stubborn bag of chips in a vending machine.
The camera switches to an outdoor camera, catching the Necromancer Queen's flip out of the second story office window and her landing atop Chad.
And while the Man of the Century doesn't hit literally every branch of the way down, there are certainly an uncomfortably large number of small branches that break between the combined weight of Chad and Kalinda and the kinetic impact of the height-boosted Knight-Night.
Up in the office the referee calls for the bell, and also for medical attention for Chad, holding up the X.
Kalinda flops down against the tree's trunk.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
There! Now you have officially touched grass!
WINNER (VIA REFEREE STOPPAGE) AND STILL A BETTER EVIL CULT LEADER THAN MARISOL VILARO KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
© UPRISING 2023
QUICKIE RESULT:
CHAD GILCHRIST vs. KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR