Post by Kevin Mears on Jul 7, 2022 13:19:24 GMT -5
On Camera
Location: Somewhere in Connecticut from this past weekend
When the video begins, it’s there we find Kevin Mears in front of the camera on what looks to be a fairly windy evening somewhere. When the camera shows people standing in line to get into a VFW hall, he jerks it back towards him. He’s standing in front of a rental car, which has gotten the attention of the people in line for two reasons. One, he’s the only one with a cameraman present. The other, he’s parked it in a handicap space right in front of the building. He quicklly adjusts his Vilaro Fitness tank top before he begins.
Kevin: Hello, mouth breathers! My name is Kevin Mears, and I’m the only ace in a deck full of jokers. I’m the most important signing in Uprising in recent memory, and I’ll have my debut on July 23rd against Casey Caesar. And do you know what’s special about him?
The camera shakes back and forth.
Kevin: Yeah, me either. You’d think with someone of my skill level, they’d put me against someone who has done something. Maybe one of the champions, not counting Summer because goddamn….if anyone deserves a title, it’s her. But do I get that? No, they put me in against a guy who primarily came up in backyard wrestling. You know, garbage wrestlers and the kinds who like hardcore matches. Matches with weapons and no rules because it helps them hide how shitty they are in the ring. So I decided to take a little road trip to find out about this joker after I watched some of his stuff on YouTube.
He pointed towards the VFW hall where a line had formed of people waiting to buy tickets.
Kevin: I’m gonna talk to some of the lowest hanging fruit possible at this place, whose name I’m not going to promote because God forbid more people learn about this trash. C’mon, Rob.
Kevin headed towards the line with his cane in one hand and a pair of purple sunglasses on his face before he got the attention of one woman with three young boys near her.
Kevin: Excuse me. Yeah, I’m talking to you.
He looks down to the boys and shakes his head.
Kevin: Three of them? Anyone ever tell you it’s a vagina and not a Volkswagen? Anyway! Are you actually going to pay good money from working at the gas station to go see…..
She gives him an offended look as he looks up to the sign advertising the show.
Kevin: The stars of Connecticut Wrestling? Boy, there’s some oxymorons.
Woman: Yeah, what’s your problem?
Kevin: I have no problem with it. I’m doing a little documentary on wrestling fans that go see these kinds of shows. Do you take your little bra....er,….sons to these shows often?
Woman: Yeah, they love it.
Kevin: Are you familiar with a guy named Casey Caesar? For all I know, he’s probably on this card wrestling in a weed eater match or something.
Woman: Sure. He’s not on this card, but we’ve watched him on YouTube.
Kevin: Yeah, he mentioned that on Twitter. Is he any good?
Woman: Definitely. I hope he comes to a show near here so we can see him too.
Kevin: What did you say your name was?
Woman: Gretchen.
Kevin: Yeah, you look like a Gretchen. One more question before you and Durex, Trojan and Magnum here go inside. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 the worst and 10 the best, where would you rank Casey Caesar’s talent level?
Gretchen: 8.
Kevin: EIGHT?!
Kevin: Dear God, we’ve been watching different matches on YouTube then. You know what, this was a mistake. You clearly aren’t a judge of talent….
Another glance towards the three boys.
Kevin: Or when to say no. Later.
Kevin moves away from the line to address the camera as the woman leans down and hands one of her boys her car keys in the background. They head off camera as Kevin continues speaking.
Kevin: On July 23rd in my Uprising debut, this woman…if she can afford to pay for the service…and all of you will find out why putting me in the ring with some backyard wrestling geek is a terrible idea. I’ve been trained by some of the best, champions and legends. It’s not gonna be some fucking hardcore match. There won’t be any weapons. I don’t do that shit. And without all those things, Casey’s gonna have all kinds of problems. His girlfriend has done a lot in this sport, so he better hope that success is sexually transmitted. Otherwise, it’s gonna be a long night!
As he’s talking, the two boys run back to their mom and Kevin heads to his rental…only to find it scratched up one side and the hood.
Kevin: What the fuck?!
Cameraman: Good think you got the insurance on that rental, Kev.
Kevin: CUT CUT CUT!!
The camera looked back to the car as several in line were amused greatly at what happened before the video faded to black.