Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2022 22:09:13 GMT -5
== DEC 24, 2021 ==
== 12:50 PM ==
From outside of a non-descript window, the slow pulsing of Christmas lights hanging from a roof’s edge, an older white Lincoln Town Car pulling into the driveway. A cold cut to a kitchen, murmured talking gives way to the previous moment of quiet. From this viewpoint, Jeremy Cundiff walks in. Still with a black metal cane in hand, he seems to be using it less sparingly than when he was last seen at Ariel’s funeral.
[ Jeremy ]
“I’m back, sorry that took so long. You know how hard it is to stop someone from robbing a UDF on Christmas Eve with a cane? I had to bend it back straight in the car.”
The camera shifts only slightly to show Ken Felder, trying to appear festive while also appearing to be perspiration from wearing a Christmas sweater and apron while cooking, wipes off his brow with a nearby towel that he seems to have designated specifically for this - the woes of being bald while over a stove.
[ Jeremy ]
“Anyways, what all did I miss?”
[ Ken ]
“Just all the appetizers, and me about half ready to rip this damn sweater off…”
Ken exhales, pulling at the neck of the sweater repeatedly to cause some airflow under it.
[ Ken ]
“If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t think everyone here wants to see me half-naked, I would. About to open one of the windows in here, fuck!”
From a distance, we hear Graham Clauson calling into the room. Oddly enough, he’s seen wearing eyeglasses.
[ Graham ]
“It’s sixty degrees! Open a window, show yourself off, who cares? Matter of fact, do both!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Don’t look at me to tip you, though. All my spare cash is in these.”
Jeremy holds up a thick stack of Christmas cards in his free hand.
[ Graham ]
“I can hang onto them for you for later tonight, if you want…”
[ Jeremy ]
“That’s very kind of you, but all of the money I stuffed in these cards weighs a lot…I wouldn’t want you to hurt your back.”
Graham walks in, with Jeremy handing the cards over to him. Graham, actually not expecting the weight that Jeremy was holding up, actually noticeably almost fumbles them. Jeremy snorts at this, Graham passing it off as if it was intentional.
[ Graham ]
“Well, now…some of us only have a couple million and not a couple hundred million…”
Slowly making his way to the closest seat, Jeremy falls into place. Graham walks out of view. However, from the same direction that Graham exited, enters Rachel Budai - Graham’s older cousin and Rob Budai’s only daughter.
[ Jeremy ]
“Not my fault I invested in a bunch of dumb shit that paid off. And here I thought Tinder was gonna fail.”
[ Rachel ]
“You invested money into Tinder?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Hell no. Plenty Of Fish.”
[ Ken ]
“I know you’re being sarcastic, but I still think you’re being serious. Holy shit, am I going through andropause?!”
Frustratedly warm, Ken tosses off his apron and rips the sweater off of himself.
[ Ken ]
“Sorry, folks! The cook is overly hairy, and overheated! Deal with it!”
For anyone who recalls seeing Ken fight in Global Combat Championships, he’s not kidding. Graham wolf-whistles at Ken, only for Ken to throw the sweater at something off camera - assumedly at Graham.
[ Rachel ]
“Hey, you two can foreplay after everyone goes to bed!”
[ Ross ]
“Some of us are still trying to get swiped right!”
Ross stands up, presumably to throw away the empty bottle of beer in his hand.
[ Graham ]
“I don’t know why you’re so concerned with women, dude. Did the last one not teach you anything?”
[ Ross ]
“Yeah. If she Tweets about fucking other chicks, she’s probably not the one for you.”
[ Rachel ]
“I feel attacked.”
From off camera, we hear Rob Budai chime into this conversation with his two cents - clearly, by the tone of voice, he’s joking.
[ Rob ]
“Try cock and ass, less bullshit to wade through to get more of it!”
[ Ross ]
“No thanks. I have one of each and I know where it’s been.”
Ross walks into the kitchen area, looking for the trash can.
[ Rob ]
“Soap and water, maybe use something other than Axe body spray you got discounted from Family Dollar because the can was dented…!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Either way, Ross, not all chicks are sex-crazed loonies. Even though all the chicks you’ve ever known in your life are.”
[ Graham ]
“You’ll learn when you get older. If you would’ve told me at your age that I would take one look at a guy who looks like he needs three bottles of Nair to get all of the hair off of him and that would give me the vapors? Then you’re going to find out life has many twists and turns to smack you upside the head with.”
[ Jeremy ]
“And if not that, the next girl you knock up isn’t going to just leave the kid with you, then you’ll get smacked upside the head with child support.”
[ Ross ]
“I really hope everyone’s having fun at my expense!”
Ross walks across the room past the camera.
[ Jeremy ]
“We are, son. We are.”
A bottle hits the bottom of the can with a loud thunk.
[ Ross ]
“Well, it’s not fun for me.”
[ Ken ]
“Ross, we’re just giving you shit. Come on.”
Ross walks back into the living room, no longer in the Christmas spirit.
[ Ross ]
“Well, I’m tired of everyone giving me shit. Seriously. Who the fuck are any of you even to say shit to me about how I want to live my life? If I want to get drunk and fuck bitches, I’m going to get drunk and fuck bitches and if you don’t like it, I’ll beat your fucking ass! You get me?”
[ Graham ]
“Yo, you’re at an 8 on the volume dial. Bring it down to a 4.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Miller High Life makes you deaf, I guess.”
[ Ken ]
“I thought it made every boy smile?”
[ Graham ]
“No, that was the entire Varsity football team back in high school; from what you said you did for them.”
[ Ken ]
“I never hear you complaining, do I?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Did he play football in high school?”
[ Ken ]
“Actually, no. Wrestling and baseball, Varsity in both.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Baseball makes sense. Nine guys sitting on a park bench dressed like mattress salesmen trying to hit balls by swinging wood. It ain’t quite as gay as water polo, but not every high school has their own horse pasture. Not even in Ohio.”
At this point, Ross is no longer patient or polite. He shouts from across the kitchen with intent to start an altercation. Ken and Rachel, both stuck in the kitchen between the two parties, just stare at each other as if they both are wishing this would stop immediately as it begins.
[ Ross ]
“Do you know how to do anything other than make sarcastic one-liners and pretend like you know some kind of stoic wisdom? You esoteric bullshit artist! God damn it, why do I have to claim you as my dad? The guy who smoked crack in a 4CW promo and got his dog put in the UTA Hall Of Fame is going to give me life advice? Fuck you dad.”
Ken’s eyes widen at the mention of smoking crack, almost as if he wasn’t expecting this.
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey…”
[ Ross ]
“Hey nothing. As a matter of fact…”
Ross steps back into the kitchen, the camera slightly moving forward and angling as Ross points past Rachel, specifically at Graham in the living room.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck a dick…"
Ross looks back at Ken in the kitchen, the camera swiveling and catching the finger going directly towards him.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck a dick…"
Ken, looking understandably confused, points at himself as he immediately replies to Ross.
[ Ken ]
“The fuck did I do?!”
Ross points down at his still-seated father, back in the living room.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck TWO dicks…"
Ross gets to Rachel, dropping his arm before possibly smacking her upside the head as he swivels.
[ Ross ]
"You….wait, have we even met before tonight?"
[ Rachel ]
"Not for more than a couple minutes, no."
[ Ross ]
"Word. Well, they can all suck upon the dickiest of dicks."
Rachel deadpans this, replying immediately without thought.
[ Rachel ]
"They didn't need your permission, but okay."
[ Jeremy ]
"Do I have your permission to shove a snowglobe up my son’s ass?"
The camera slides over towards the entrance to the living room, peaking in to see Jeremy holding what appears to be a snowglobe with a sports logo of sorts on it, but somewhat covered by Jeremy’s hand. He grips it with intent.
[ Rachel ]
"That's a Ken and Graham question, but I personally would find it entertaining to see how that turns out.."
Ross begins to walk out towards the living room, his leg barely caught in view of the camera.
[ Ross ]
"What the fuck are you gonna do?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I'm gonna put this snow globe in your ass if you keep it up."
[ Ross ]
"Yeah. Hop on up and do it, cripple. Or here, hold on. Let me see if Graham has any Perc's left, maybe that will get you up faster."
Jeremy stands up, still holding the snowglobe while tapping the ball into the palm of his hand. He does not have his cane. This prompts Ken to walk out from the kitchen to intercept him, his leg appearing to graze past the camera’s lens.
[ Ken ]
"No, no, no…"
[ Jeremy ]
"Oh yes, yes, yes. I'm gonna give him an eighty-third trimester a-"
[ Ken ]
"If he bleeds on my rug, you're going to need to get your other knee replaced."
[ Jeremy ]
"Risk it for the biscuit. Now watch out, brother man. I'm about to put my boy over my knee."
[ Ross ]
"Yeah, spank me Daddy you pussy punk bitch!"
Graham walks out into the middle of the house, as close as he can be to in between the elder and younger. We hear a stifled giggle after Ross finishes his sentence.
[ Graham ]
"Stop it, both of you! It's fucking Christmas, and nobody ordered ‘Incest Beatdown 13’ from TabooTube to happen in my damn living room!"
[ Jeremy ]
"Welp, there went my Christmas gift to you."
[ Graham ]
"You two aren't fighting in the house, and that’s fucking it! Ken and I will handle this! Go outside and chain smoke half a pack of Winstons or something, better than my foot up your ass!"
[ Ken ]
"And leave the snow globe! It was a present from TW Combat."
Jeremy sits the snowglobe back where he found it, but still doesn’t stop running his mouth.
[ Jeremy ]
"Yeah, Ross, might have gotten something for Christmas from his old gym mates if he could learn some personality skills."
[ Rob ]
“How about you Cundiff boys shut your mouths before I fuck ‘em? You’ll be too busy choking to talk shit!”
Upon hearing this, Ken grabs the towel he was using moments ago and bites on it as hard as he can. Inappropriate or not, he clearly is trying hard not to laugh from this sudden comment from the other room.
[ Ross ]
"Fuck right off with that. Don’t you dare give me his last name."
[ Jeremy ]
"Especially since I’m having it legally changed to Hanson just to piss you off. Then you, me, and the Lil’ Man can start a pop rock band.”
[ Graham ]
"Dude, your entire funeral soundtrack is now the whole Middle Of Nowhere album. Both of you."
[ LIl’ Man ]
“Can my funeral soundtrack be Fortnite?”
[ Jeremy ]
"SHIT! You really need to stop scaring me like that! And no, boy, you must be outside your mind. We have to hear it enough already.”
[ Ross ]
"I’m surprised you can hear anything, the way you like to hear yourself talk."
[ Jeremy ]
"I'm going out to smoke. Ross, if you come outside, you won't make it to 22."
[ Ross ]
"You're right, I can beat your old ass in half that many shots. I'll save the rest for his dumb ass since he'll probably come running to your rescue."
Jeremy cannot be seen exiting the house, but he exits from the same cardinal direction he had entered the kitchen from, Ross back past the camera towards the direction he had originally came from.
[ Graham ]
“Neither one of y’all gonna do shit! Stop playing like this shit is sweet!”
[ Ken ]
“Or I’m going to make you both look like the walking personification of the state of Florida, and that won’t take much at this rate.”
Graham chuckles, looking over at Ken with a grin as he walks back into the kitchen.
[ Graham ]
“I love it when you pretend to be butch.”
[ Rachel ]
“We all know it sure as hell ain’t you that’s the butch in that relationship…”
[ Graham ]
“Not my fault you’re always the butch in yours, Rach.”
Rachel’s mouth drops open, surprised with Graham’s quip. She appears to bet slightly upset, but knows it was intended in jest as she raises her hand up in a balled fist. Graham widens his eyes as if to challenge her, which she then only shifts slightly forward - almost as if to suggest she would actually try to pop him one for it. Graham shrugs.
[ Graham ]
“I.J.S. Okay… I got Jeremy. Ken, go smack some sense into Mullet… Rach… Go make sure your dad doesn’t end up pounding Larry over my new dining room table while I’m away.”
[ Rachel ]
“He’s a grown ass man, I’m not his keeper!”
[ Graham ]
“You will be when you have to wipe his and Larry’s asses in fifteen years!”
[ Rob ]
“You know I heard that!”
[ Graham ]
“Good! Maybe you should go use some mouthwash to get rid of your penis breath?”
[ Rob ]
“I saw you left the Listerine out. So considerate!”
Rachel giggles at this comment.
[ Rachel ]
“You walked right into that one!”
Graham smiles, and with an air of superiority and smug, leans forward and quietly replies.
[ Graham ]
“Go in the bathroom and see if your daddy’s bluffing…”
Graham slinks away, leaving Rachel to ponder this. As Graham exits the room, she looks at Ken, who has not yet left to pursue Ross. He simply shrugs with a smile on his face. He also leaves the room following Ross’s exit path, leaving Rachel alone. After about five seconds of silence, she slaps her leg and begins to stand.
[ Rachel ]
“Mother fuck…”
She begins to walk toward the same pathway as Graham and Jeremy, opening a nearby doorway before she exclaims.
[ Rachel ]
“God dammit, you homos!”
From the other room, Rob cackles loudly. Suddenly, the camera jostles before it appears to fall forward into the tile floor.
== 1:12 PM ==
The quality of the footage seems to have changed, but the audio tends to be slightly clear. The wind can be heard whipping across the microphone capturing the footage. Based on a visible time and date stamp at the bottom right, it’s clear this is some form of security system footage. This camera’s vantage point seems to be from a camera placed at the corner of the outside of the house, facing outwards. It captures the front walkway and most of the driveway, where Jeremy stands facing towards the street. Graham is seen entering from behind, indicating this is the front of the house.
[ Graham ]
"How many did you smoke before I got out here?"
Jeremy looks at the near depleted cigarette in his hand, the cherry closing in on the filter.
[ Jeremy ]
"Not enough. How long did you make out with Ken in front of Rachel before coming out here?”
Graham is heard chuckling, almost as if he was going to laugh the question off…before he answers it.
[ Graham ]
“Ten seconds. Enough to make her squirm.”
Jeremy can be seen slightly smiling, taking the final drag from the cigarette before squishing the cherry out of it and stomping it. He begins speaking as he begins to pull out his cigarette pack back out of his pocket.
[ Jeremy ]
Can you believe this prick? Was he drunk when he got here or do you need to check the liquor cabinets when we leave?"
[ Graham ]
"How should I know? I was too busy keeping Lil' Man out of the candy and making sure Ken didn't feel overwhelmed with the house full."
[ Jeremy ]
"He's still like fucking 13 mentally or something, I don't know. I can trust the kid by himself more than I can Ross and that's saying something."
Jeremy finds a stashed-away empty Ale-8 bottle, with a couple cigarette butts already inside. He adds one more to the collection.
[ Graham ]
"You don't think he's got something wrong with him, do you?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I know he does. And he needs to go get that shit checked out. I know there's a good person in there somewhere underneath all that hurt and shit but that doesn't give him a pass on talking to anyone in there like that."
Jeremy goes to finally pull another cigarette, careful not to pull out the two or three dark brown ones.
[ Graham ]
"So what? You think getting into a shoot is going to help? Let's be one hundred percent honest here: Ross would turn you into chum. He's a fucking former world heavyweight champion mixed martial artist. He can bench press almost double his own weight. It would take all of us to get him off of you, even with Ken basically flailing his legs like he hangs off Ross’s neck trying to grip a chokehold from behind."
[ Jeremy ]
"I've shot on guys bigger than him and I'm still here."
[ Graham ]
"Yes. And you just got out of restricted movement after surgery to get your knee replaced, hip replaced and neck fused. Why in all fuck would you ever think you could do one thing to him?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I don't know, because I used to beat people tougher than him up every night for fifteen years?"
[ Graham ]
"That's different. Ross is a whole different beast than anyone you've ever been in the ring with. Remember when he beat the brakes off Baranov? Or the title fight with Rivera? Ross can just snap at the drop of a hat and he will break whatever bone he's got a hold of like it's a damn twig.”
After lighting his smoke, Jeremy shrugs at his former tag team partner.
[ Jeremy ]
"So you're scared that Ross might just lose it and go Bobby Boucher on somebody? Is that why you didn't take him on as a partner?"
[ Graham ]
"No. Not at all. You know me, I get my Dad’s sudden General Zod-like strength bursts and tunnel vision when I’m pissed.”
[ Jeremy ]
"I get that you want to get a good singles run in and you're so close…but it wouldn't hurt to have some backup, man. And this time, you'd be the front runner of the group."
[ Graham ]
"You saw that outburst in there! You know damn well that Ross would throw a fit with a promoter twice as bad as any fit we ever threw! Ross would get us both fired and he would end what's left of my career! UPRISING is the only place left I give a shit to actually succeed in, and I'll be God damned if your bitter ass bipolar son is going to fuck it up for me!"
With the pack still out in his hand, Jeremy is left temporarily speechless.
[ Graham ]
"What?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I thought you were supposed to be the one calming me down."
Graham takes one of Jeremy's Winstons.
[ Graham ]
"Sorry about that, but not sorry for stealing a cigarette. Asshole.”
He only waves it off.
[ Jeremy ]
"No. You're right. You and I, it took us a while to trust each other. You and Ross don't have that connection yet. I think maybe Ross should just think about hanging them up, stay home with the mini-human and find a good job somewhere around here. He'll have the inheritance payouts, he won't be totally broke…"
[ Graham ]
"You know damn well that a thousand bucks a month isn't going to cover all his bills, and he has essentially zero life skills. All he knows is eat, sleep, drink, fuck, and self-defense if you even want to call it that."
[ Jeremy ]
"I remember back when that was the perfect mentality to be a pro wrestler. Goes to show you how much the business has changed…"
[ Graham ]
"Yep."
[ Jeremy ]
"And that's why you're still in it and I don't even want my name brought up in public. I kind of enjoy being able to get on the Internet and not get bothered by people who recognize me. That and maybe I'm just hiding from my past too."
[ Graham ]
“Or you’re hiding from people because you’re tired of getting attacked because you dared to draw a breath.”
Jeremy pulls the dark brown cigarettes from his pack, counting all three in succession. He glances away from the conversation and pulls one out.
[ Jeremy ]
“Speaking of drawing breath, this one’s getting lit soon. We’re about to have a 70’s Triangle.”
Jeremy motions towards somebody walking up.
[ Graham ]
“Oh, lovely, our Christmas is about to get just peachy… When did you pull in?”
On camera, the long-haired, long-bearded patriarch of the Clauson clan - Graham’s father, Matt Clauson - walks into frame.
[ Jeremy ]
“Is that the Costco Polar Bear? Or is that Evelyn?”
[ Matt ]
“So, you do remember that you confused me with my late brother-in-law in the driver’s seat!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Oh, fuck, that’s right. Look, man, I was on so much Dilaudid that I probably couldn’t have even told you where my dick was. Merry Christmas, Jesus.”
Matt and Jeremy approach, embracing each other. The camera shifts to another mounted home security type angle, this time from the opposite corner of where the house meets the garage, now facing towards the entryway of the house.
[ Matt ]
“That’s a fever dream of a drive I’d rather not remember… Good to see you, brother.”
As soon as Jeremy and Matt release, Matt steps over to Graham and pulls him into a hug. Graham doesn’t seem too willing to return the gesture, but he does so anyway.
[ Graham ]
“So, you gonna behave, old man?”
[ Matt ]
“Is your uncle here with a date?”
[ Graham ]
“How’d you know?”
[ Matt ]
“Because Robert was acting like a giddy schoolgirl the other night when I called to check in on him. The only time he acted like that was when he told me he met Dale. There is no doubt there is another man here. Also, not even going to say you miss your old man?”
At this point, Graham takes a step back. It’s clear that this conversation is going south before it can even take off on body language alone.
[ Graham ]
“Well, Matthew… Can’t really miss something that you don’t. Unless you want to piss off your favorite son, don’t show your ass tonight. I know how you get with Holidays.”
[ Matt ]
“Speaking of my favorite son, I take it Ken didn’t join you all for a cigarette?”
Jeremy taps the bottom of his cane on the ground as if to catch attention.
[ Jeremy ]
“Wow, thanks, I’ll remember that the next time you call me wanting to smoke a couple blunts.”
Matt only turns his head slightly towards Jeremy, making his quip before reverting his attention to his son.
[ Matt ]
“But you never say no.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Because you bring good stuff, I’d be stupid to say no.”
[ Graham ]
“No, he’s in there with everyone else.”
A brief pause takes place before Matt poses further query.
[ Matt ]
“…is your cousin here?”
[ Graham ]
“Yes, Rachel is here.”
Matt groans, turning around slightly before turning back towards Graham. The camera switches back to its first viewpoint.
[ Graham ]
“Well, I’m sorry that your niece thinks you’re a piece of shit. Maybe if you tried not being so confrontational with her, maybe you’d have a better relationship.”
[ Matt ]
“Why is it that I always have to be the one who extends the olive branch? I’m usually not the one in the wrong, but I end up eating the blame! Why can’t she have to eat crow for once, swallow her damn pride and actually not constantly coming after my ass whenever we’re in the same room?”
[ Graham ]
“And this is why you almost spent Christmas alone again.”
[ Matt ]
“You know…”
Matt sighs, waving off the conversation.
[ Matt ]
“I didn’t come here to argue…”
[ Graham ]
“Dammit, Dad…hold on… Jay, mind taking a stroll?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Graham, mind giving me mobility back in my leg?”
[ Matt ]
“Actually, anything that needs to be said can be said in front of him. Maybe he’ll learn to tame his wild dick turd.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Are you suggesting I stuff him in a Pokeball? He already has a name: Drinkafiu.”
[ Matt ]
“More like ‘Drank’. But, sometimes admitting when you’re wrong is better.”
[ Graham ]
“Such as…you?”
[ Matt ]
“I know where I fucked up, but I’m also not going to sit here and let any of you pound me upside the head with it. When you lose Ken, you’ll get what kind of crazy shit it will make you think or do. Just wait, this is Jeremy at the initial stage of Ariel being gone. Wait until you get to New Year’s Eve, then Valentine’s Day…”
Matt stops as Graham huffing and crossing his arms. Even he sighs, frustrated.
[ Matt ]
“I never said I was a perfect father, nor will I ever claim to have been, but you can’t deny that your mother was the lightning rod that kept our family together. After that…I don’t know why, but you and I just started getting toxic. You’ve intentionally excluded me from your life for the last three years, almost killed yourself, and you’re telling me that I need to behave when you’re just as erratic as I have been? Explain to me all of this before you tell me to watch how I act.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Damn, and I thought me versus Ross was going to be this year’s Main Event. Instead, it’s the Clauson boys arguing about which person was worse to each other. Score for me, I guess?”
The camera switches to the second angle, with Jeremy backing away a bit from the conversation but still remaining close.
[ Matt ]
“Shit, I know this family is dysfunctional! You didn’t need to remind me not even five seconds after I pull in!”
[ Jeremy ]
“At least you guys are a family. I haven’t seen any of mine since Bill Clinton was President, except for Dad like twice and my baby sister when she pulled that French ballet dancer shit with Ross. At least y’all are still here to make amends and shit. And at least you’re not like my son and literally too stupid to fix shit.”
[ Graham ]
“You sure? Because in my situation, it’s my father who is being literally too stupid to fix shit. He can’t even bother to even let the words ‘I’m sorry’ escape his lips! It’s like holding a brick of Kryptonite right up to his face!”
[ Jeremy ]
“He’s here though, isn’t he?”
[ Graham ]
“Only because my husband invited him.”
[ Jeremy ]
“He still chose to come, and it damn sure wasn’t to see the dogs.”
[ Matt ]
“Seriously, you think I wanted to come here and deal with my son, my niece, my own brother, and this asshole take shots at me all night with a smile on my face?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey, I didn’t say shit. I’m on your side. Father to father and shit.”
At this point, Matt holds his hand up towards Jeremy.
[ Matt ]
“Whoa. Pause.”
[ Graham ]
“You sure you haven’t been hanging out with Pastor Mike?”
[ Jeremy ]
“He’s stopping over tomorrow for turkey, mashed potatoes and dab hits out of the gas mask.”
[ Matt ]
“Either way, let’s not divert to what the difference is here. I’m a father, I at least knew about my kid and actively tried to raise him. Even with the mistakes I’ve made, I wasn’t just a seed donor like you. Maybe instead of trying to tell me how to try to repair what little of a relationship that I do have with my own child, why don’t you go try to fix yours?”
[ Graham ]
“God dammit, Dad! Can you not?”
Jeremy only shrugs his shoulders, holding a hand up in his trademark pose. He stuffs the blunt back into the cigarette pack, a nearly-smoked cigarette still dangling between two fingers.
[ Jeremy ]
“I was gonna light this up, but I can see now’s not a good time. I’m going inside, it’s cold as shit. Graham, you’re gonna wish I’d shot him when I had the chance.”
[ Graham ]
“No matter how much this asshole talks, he’s not worth a bullet.”
After putting it out on the edge of his cane’s tip, Jeremy throws the butt into the bottle and walks back into the house.
[ Jeremy ]
“He is when they’re 30% off. See you both inside.”
[ Graham ]
“Explains why there’s spots all over your shotgun barrels. Always knew you liked the feel of gunpowder around your dick, you sick fuck.”
The door shuts, but not before Jeremy shoots out a middle finger to be within view.
[ Graham ]
“Yeah, yeah, your ex-wife!”
[ Matt ]
“Of course, the one I actually liked had to go off and croak…”
Graham looks at Matt, eyebrow raised. The camera’s angle returns to view number one.
[ Matt ]
“Yeah, I miss Ariel too, but Peach was awesome.”
This actually causes Graham to almost crack a smile.
[ Matt ]
“Okay… Clearly, this did not go off as…gracefully as we all would’ve hoped, but look. I know you could clearly go on in your life, never speaking to me again, and you’d be happy as you could ever be. I can accept that. But, what I can’t accept is you shutting me out because you’re holding a grudge that I can’t even hope to rectify.”
[ Graham ]
“So, you do finally admit it.”
[ Matt ]
“Yeah, I was stupid. Maybe I did fuck some ring rat and cheated on your mother.”
[ Graham ]
“And when she found out, she ended up in a car wreck. And dead in more ways than one!”
[ Matt ]
“And making me relive the scenario in my head over and over isn’t going to help either one of us. Either you can continue to blame me for your mother’s death, or you can accept that the car wreck that caused it was not my doing! That was a drunk-ass driver behind the wheel of that other car, I didn’t get behind the wheel and plow into her!”
[ Graham ]
“You may as well have!”
[ Matt ]
“I know…”
The camera shifts to the second view.
[ Matt ]
“And that’s my guilt to live with. But, I think you would even agree it isn’t fair that even now, I’m feeling completely unwanted by those who I would hope would still find some worth in me. Something you should know a hell of a lot about, son…”
Matt, realizing he may have possibly stepped into a large verbal shit pile he didn’t mean to step into, can be seen grimacing after he finishes the sentence. One of Graham’s hands balls into a fist, but releases as he simply appears to move his head slightly to the right - not looking towards his father.
[ Matt ]
”Actually…how about I step inside and get another round of this from your cousin?”
Matt begins to step past Graham, but he stops. He puts one hand on Graham’s shoulder, looking towards him.
[ Matt ]
“Maybe it was a mistake, me coming here…”
Matt then begins to walk past Graham, making his way towards the front door.
[ Matt ]
“But I’m hoping that maybe you can overlook a few more and give me a little bit of credit.”
As Matt opens the door, a very brief cut of white noise kicks in.
== 1:33 PM ==
The static gives way to the handheld-style camera inside the kitchen, where Jeremy limps in with his cane cracking against the linoleum.
[ Ken ]
“Everything good out there?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yup. They just had to discuss something I didn’t want to hear.”
Jeremy leans against the nearby wall.
[ Ken ]
“As long as they aren’t swinging on each other… This house feels like a powder keg waiting to be lit. Christmas with my family back in Chicago is NOTHING like this…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuckin’ holidays, huh?”
[ Ken ]
“He warned me that hosting all of you crazies for the Holiday was probably not the best idea…”
Ken chuckles, then laughs, then grabs a towel - before shoving as much of it into his mouth and screaming. He then yanks it out, tosses it aside, and leans against the kitchen counter with a clearly put-on smile.
[ Ken ]
“No wonder my husband needs therapy!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Speaking of therapy, where’s Ross?”
[ Rachel ]
“I don’t know, he just…”
The sound of a car starting turns everyone’s head. Jeremy sighs and reaches for his cane once again.
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuck, that sounds like my Lincoln! How did he get my fucking keys?”
[ Ken ]
“He better not be thinking of driving after all he’s had to drink…”
[ Rachel ]
“How much has he had?”
[ Ken ]
“I don’t know. I just know Ross is drunk. He’s never that rude, he smelled like whiskey, and I think he pissed on the Santa statue outside.”
Bursting through the front door, Jeremy turns around towards the garage door and the paved driveway. There, among the row of cars, is parked his white 1989 Lincoln Towncar. And in the driver’s seat, just shutting the door and starting the engine, is his son Ross.
[ Jeremy ]
“Turn the car off.”
[ Ross ]
“Turn these nuts off.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Don’t make me shoot you. I’ll take this shit straight to Fast Eddie’s and tell him I hit a deer.”
[ Ross ]
“Your gun is sitting right here in the center console. You ain’t gonna do shit.”
[ Jeremy ]
“I suppose you’re right. I guess I won’t shoot you.”
Ross looks over to the Lincoln’s column shifter to go from park to reverse - but looks up to see a cane flying at the car!
[ Ross ]
“FUCK!”
Jeremy slams his hands on the glass-covered car hood, staring his son directly in the eyes.
[ Jeremy ]
“I’ll spend $500 on Safelite just to get to drag you out of this car. That’s the kind of fuck I don’t give, Ross. Get your ass out of my car, right now!”
[ Ross ]
“I don’t care, I’m done listening to everyone’s bullshit in there!”
[ Jeremy ]
“What bullshit? That people want to see you do better?”
[ Ross ]
“That’s not what that is! That’s a bunch of people judging me for not being like them! Fuck that!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Look at me! You think a bunch of judgemental pricks would invite ME OF ALL PEOPLE to their family events every fucking holiday? You think people who look down on people who aren’t like them would have anything to do with people like us? Motherfucker, that family in that house has been more of a family to you than anyone else in your life! You want to be mad at me, that’s cool. I deserve it. But Graham? Ken? Lil’ Man? What the fuck did any of them do to you?”
[ Ross ]
“You just don’t get it, do you? I bet you he didn’t say shit to you about Round II, did he?”
Jeremy takes his hands off the hood.
[ Jeremy ]
“Say shit to me about it? I’m the one who came up with the idea, Ross!”
[ Ross ]
“Then why isn’t it happening yet? When am I gonna get the call to go back on the road?”
[ Jeremy ]
“I don’t know. But I can tell you this much…”
Jeremy walks around to the driver’s side door.
[ Jeremy ]
“If you’re waiting for somebody else to give you an opportunity, you’ll be waiting the rest of your life. If you want an opportunity, get it for yourself. Don’t let anybody else be responsible for you. Graham spent half a decade in my shadow, and now he’s had to learn how to make his own opportunities in life without me. You need to learn how to make your own without him.”
[ Ross ]
“Yeah, but the plan…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Plans change. Learn how to change with them, or else you’ll end up like me. Forget about Graham. Think about Ross. Take care of Ross. If you take care of Ross, everything else will fall into place…
[ Ross ]
“That’s easy. Forget about him the way he forgot about me. I can do that.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Well, it’s not like that…”
The door flings open to reveal Matt Clauson and Rob Budai standing at the doorway.
[ Matt ]
“Hiya, Drunka! Out from the driver’s seat you go!”
Jeremy raises his hands, limping away from the car (reaching out to grab his cane from the hood just as Matt and Rob approach.
[ Jeremy ]
“Watch my Colt in the center console…”
[ Rob ]
“I have dealt with much worse!”
[ Jeremy ]
“No. I meant, don’t break my gun.”
Matt steps in, grabbing Ross by his wrists and pulling him outward from the vehicle while Rob has swiftly approached from the passenger’s side and turns the vehicle off. As Ross struggles with Matt, Rob has slid him outwards and has Ross with legs up through the windshield hole. Hobbling around, Jeremy is cackling with laughter as he cracks the front door to yell through it.
[ Jeremy ]
“This is the best Christmas ever! Hey, Rachel! You gotta come see this shit! ”
[ Matt ]
“Keep struggling and I’m gonna make you wish you were in Ariel’s casket with her, boy!”
[ Ross ]
“You’re just jealous it wasn’t you in the laundromat bathroom!”
[ Matt ]
“Jeremy, please do not hold me liable for this!”
[ Jeremy ]
“I already broke the windshield, I can probably get insurance to cover whatever you break too.”
[ Matt ]
“No, for THIS!”
[ Rob ]
“Matt, no!”
Matt drops down slightly, pulling Ross up while his feet are now resting on the driver’s seat. With Ross’ head against his chest, he slides a forearm in underneath his mouth and squeezes, holding Ross’ neck sideways in a very unnatural position while turning his head. Jeremy leans back akin to Craig and Smokey from Friday.
[ Jeremy ]
“GOD DAMN SON!”
[ Rob ]
“LET HIM GO, MATT!”
[ Jeremy ]
“DON’T LET HIM GO, MATT! HE NEEDS THAT!”
[ Matt ]
“FUCK ALL OF YOU!”
Matt releases the pressure, pulling and dropping Ross onto the driveway. He huffs, clearly upset and trying not to let his anger get the best of him. He eventually storms off, barking an order as he exits.
[ Matt ]
“Someone put this son of a whore in his damn drunk tank…”
[ Rob ]
“Someone make sure J.K. didn’t see this shit?!”
The camera abruptly switches to the security camera shot.
[ Jeremy ]
“Too late! Get back in the house! Who wants to help me drag Ross up to the guest house? I think he’s gonna be out for a few minutes.”
[ Rob ]
“I got him…”
Rob, sliding back out through the passenger’s side door, steps around the car.
[ Rob ]
“I knew he was going to cinch that in the moment Ross ran his mouth… Matt is still a loose cannon when you hit the right nerve…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yeah, was that a fuckin’ grovit lock? I haven’t seen one of those in a long time….”
[ Rob ]
“You know what a grovit is?”
Rob kneels down to Ross, who hasn’t made it even to his knees.
[ Jeremy ]
“It was shown to me back in my rookie years, but I was honestly kind of afraid of it. The Deathtrap was as close as I was willing to get to actually putting someone in that hold. You can see why…”
Rob is able to get Ross up enough before, with arm over shoulder, heaving both he and Ross to standing measure.
[ Rob ]
“I should’ve never shown Matt that move… Only reason he knows it is because we’ve had to use it to get out of some nasty bar fights back in the day. I’m surprised Graham drinks so little, we were lushes back then…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Well, let’s hope Ross is too drunk to remember that hold, or else we just taught him something else he didn’t need to know.”
Rob looks over at Ross, who’s head is slightly bobbling around. He also winces, smelling the amount of alcohol consumed.
[ Rob ]
“It’s very situational, so I don’t think it’s something he can use with any dedication… He’s right now so tanked that I think we have a few good hours of peace before sundown?”
[ Jeremy ]
“This boy bleeds wrestling. If anyone could come up with a way to use that shit, it’s him.”
[ Rob ]
“Only thing he’s bleeding is rye right now, kid. Alright, Ross, you think you can walk this, or do I have to Pretty Woman your ass to the bed?”
[ Ross ]
“Question, tell me what you think about me? I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings! Only ring your celly when you’re feeling lonely…”
[ Rob ]
“Yeah, I think he’s done. Upsy-daisy!”
Rob hoists Ross up, struggling at first but eventually getting the weight distribution down.
[ Rob ]
“Fuck, I gotta remember I’m no spring chicken anymore! That, or this kid is heavier than he looks!”
Rob begins to move forward with Ross bobble-heading the entire time he’s being carried.
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey at least we don’t have to change his diaper. But we probably should bounce just in case we smell piss.”
[ Rob ]
“There’s a washing machine for that.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yeah, but we can’t just throw him in a Maytag with some Tide pods, come back in an hour and he’s mentally stable enough to hold down a job.”
[ Rob ]
“Baby steps, Jay… Trust me, Rachel wasn’t any easier!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Rachel couldn’t throw a cinder block 20 yards, either.”
[ Rob ]
“Maybe, but she’d sure as hell rip your nuts off and scratch your eyeballs out just as quickly… Plus, she’s not innocent, either…”
As Rob and Jeremy approach the guest house and another security cam angle, Jeremy shuffles as quickly as he can to get the door open for Rob.
[ Rob ]
”Growing up? Graham was the good kid who just wanted to be just like his dad, but he didn’t know all the shit going down behind the scenes like I did. I watched Matt turn into a terrible person on the road, and that’s why I couldn’t keep tagging with him anymore. I was so tired of being his babysitter, like we never left childhood in that respect. Rachel…oh God, she was the problem child.”
Upon entering the guest house, Rob and Ross’ halfway-conscious frame go one direction while Jeremy moves towards the bathroom. However, Rob and Jeremy can still converse.
[ Jeremy ]
“She’s the sensible one out of the family now, what the Hell you mean?”
[ Rob ]
“She got caught smoking at 13, drinking at 15, and apparently lost her virginity at 16 with me downstairs! She was the wild one… But she always was protective of Graham. It was like she knew he was going to have issues with his own view of himself and him wanting to possibly hurt himself back then. It was like she knew more than we did, and dammit, was she not wrong…”
Looking down into the bathroom sink, blood and a small sliver of glass are seen in Jeremy’s palm. Using his teeth, he rips the glass out.
[ Rob ]
“Now she thinks she has some moral victory she can hang over Matt just so she can have some form of revenge for all the times he put her in her place when he caught her being stupid. This family’s got some fucked up Jenga blocks holding the tower up, but we play our parts…”
A quick run of some water clears things off, but more blood comes. Looking around, Jeremy flips open the medicine cabinet to see the perfect thing for absorbing blood.
[ Rob ]
“I just wish, maybe for one year, we didn’t have a story about who showed their ass the most on a Holiday. Just one…”
Ross is sat into the bed as gently as possible. Rob turns to leave the bedroom.
[ Jeremy ]
“Just a normal family having a normal holiday…my man, I don’t know if anyone has that.”
[ Rob ]
“Maybe you’re right, and we’re as normal as anybody else.”
Rob stares at Jeremy in the guest house’s living room. Jeremy has a Maxi-pad stuck on his cut hand.
[ Rob ]
“That’s not how you stop that kind of gash, you stupid straight boy.”
[ Jeremy ]
“You’re right, I have some Krazy Glue in the car.”
[ Rob ]
“Come on, let me make sure he can’t choke on his own vomit and I’ll go find the first aid kit. Your hand is not a vagina.”
Suddenly, we hear a voice over an intercom.
[ Ken ]
“What the fuck happened out there?!”
Rob, hearing this, sees the speaker for the intercom. He walks over to it and presses the button to reply.
[ Rob ]
“Is this place bugged?”
[ Ken ]
“Is Ross drunk? It’s called making sure I don’t find Lil’ Man doing Parkour all through that house while Ross sleeps off another fifth.”
[ Jeremy ]
“It’s like a baby monitor, only the baby is old enough to buy alcohol.”
[ Ken ]
“And the feminine supplies are not for first aid, Jeremy! Get over here so we can get that cleaned up! For God’s sake, you’d think I’m running an Airbnb for Morons over there.”
[ Rob ]
“There are cameras?!”
[ Ken ]
“Just not in the bathroom or bedrooms. I don’t want to see the strange Ross sneaks in there. Be happy you’re sleeping in the main house, Robbie.”
[ Jeremy ]
“And now you know why I sleep on the couch.”
[ Ken ]
“And you may want to hurry; Graham and Matt screaming it out over whatever shit he had Ross locked into. I’m gonna need backup here soon, Larry’s running interference and I’m afraid he’s going to get ran over!”
[ Rob ]
“Can’t catch a fucking break!”
[ Jeremy ]
“No one escapes the grovit! Hang on, I’m coming! Don’t worry about Larry, he won’t die if he takes a punch.”
Rob, however, doesn’t wait and nearly trips over the end table by the sofa before bolting out the door. Jeremy shrugs, sighs deeply, and limps with his cane to the door. The cameras switch off when the door closes.
== 1:59 PM ==
When we come back to a moving picture, it is back to the shaky low-angle handheld cam. Shouting is heard, as Graham and Matt are seen less than a foot apart from each other.
[ Graham ]
“The fuck is wrong with you, old man?! Can’t not throw a damn shot anywhere you go?”
[ Matt ]
“Don’t you even! I’m trying to keep him from basically running that car into your house, and the only thing I get is berated because I had to be the one to go take care of things! As usual!”
[ Rachel ]
“Like the ring rats taking care of you!”
[ Matt ]
“Get some new material, Ms. Garrison.”
[ Rachel ]
“What, mad that you can’t walk into any family gathering knowing your the reason this family is a literal fuck joke?”
[ Graham ]
“GODDAMMIT, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES! EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE, I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER’S MEMORY-“
[ Larry ]
“For Heaven’s sake, all of you need to take a damn breath and calm down! Especially you, Graham…!”
At this point, Rob has just entered the house as Larry Gowan’s voice booms through the room for the first time in the entire video. The color in Rob’s face drains, which Larry catches sight of immediately. He pauses briefly, but winks at him before he continues. Ken appears beside Rob, appearing just as fearful and tense.
[ Larry ]
“You may be a Cincinnati Son, but red isn’t a color that suits your skin tone. I think we’re letting things get too emotional? All of us, maybe?”
Even though he’s likely the shortest person in the room, he’s commanding their attention now – might have something to do with the fact that he actually raised his voice loud enough to be heard.
[ Larry ]
“Listen, I know I haven’t really earned the right to speak up on this… but from where I’m sitting, you’re all being fricken ridiculous – pardon my French. In my experience, and believe you me, I have plenty… this holiday has the tendency to bring out the absolute worst in people. It’s stressful. It’s worse than waterboarding or being forced to watch that moron Johnny Stylez butcher the English language, being stuck in close quarters with people you spend the rest of the year doing your best to avoid. So I’m not going to demand we all link hands, gather ‘round by the fire and start singing Silent Night. Quite frankly, I absolutely loathe this holiday and all it stands for.”
He glances around their faces, eyes locking with Rob’s for a moment before he takes a deep breath and continues.
[ Larry ]
“I know, terribly off-brand for me when I’m 24/7 sunshine, roses and puppies frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers… but it is what it is. Spent my fair share of Thanksgivings and Christmases alone for the last five years and as much as it pains me to say it… even with the noise here, even with all of you acting like spoiled children… I was actually feeling somewhat grateful to be included. A part of me is a little envious, to see all of you together here, even if you’re at odds. You’re lucky to have such a large family still on this side of the grass rather than everyone you ever cared about being six feet under and I just…”
He breaks off, shaking his head.
[ Larry ]
“Sorry. It’s not my place to judge. It’s none of my business. I just think you should appreciate what you have here, while you still have it.”
Having said that, he turns and strides quickly from the room before he loses his composure completely. Rob, still slightly pale, rushes to follow Larry. The rest of the room is left silent, minus the wonderful little tune that now is played when an oven timer goes off (when was a klaxon noise not enough?), prompting Ken to slip out of view into the kitchen.
[ Matt ]
“Um… Did we all…just get told off…by Larry Gowan?”
[ Graham ]
“Yes… I think…we just…did…”
[ Rachel ]
“Yeah…and, I think we ruined Dad’s date too.”
And on-cue and late to the party, in comes Jeremy hobbling with his cane.
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuck me, Larry, you waited eleven years to cut a promo on us and THAT’S what you came up with? You know what, I’m actually gonna do what you’re saying we should do. Makes more sense to be nice to people than to have a heart attack yelling at someone over dumb shit.”
[ Graham ]
“I think I’m going to go help Ken out in the kitchen…”
[ Rachel ]
“I’ll come with.”
Graham and Rachel both slip out towards the kitchen, leaving the patriarchal members of the family sitting in the room alone. They both sit in silence, looking around the room for a moment before they look at each other.
[ Matt ]
“All of this because I showed up and your son got drunk. Guess there's only one thing left... Blunt?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Blunt.”
The two old fathers look towards the camera, before the shot cuts into white-noise for a split-second - to reveal a security camera labeled “Mud Room”. On this shot, we see Rob has Larry sat on top of a table! It looks as if these two may have been making out pretty heavy for a moment!
[ Rob ]
“If you keep telling my family off like this, you’re going to be riding Space Mountain!”
And on that line ending, the video ends.
== 12:50 PM ==
From outside of a non-descript window, the slow pulsing of Christmas lights hanging from a roof’s edge, an older white Lincoln Town Car pulling into the driveway. A cold cut to a kitchen, murmured talking gives way to the previous moment of quiet. From this viewpoint, Jeremy Cundiff walks in. Still with a black metal cane in hand, he seems to be using it less sparingly than when he was last seen at Ariel’s funeral.
[ Jeremy ]
“I’m back, sorry that took so long. You know how hard it is to stop someone from robbing a UDF on Christmas Eve with a cane? I had to bend it back straight in the car.”
The camera shifts only slightly to show Ken Felder, trying to appear festive while also appearing to be perspiration from wearing a Christmas sweater and apron while cooking, wipes off his brow with a nearby towel that he seems to have designated specifically for this - the woes of being bald while over a stove.
[ Jeremy ]
“Anyways, what all did I miss?”
[ Ken ]
“Just all the appetizers, and me about half ready to rip this damn sweater off…”
Ken exhales, pulling at the neck of the sweater repeatedly to cause some airflow under it.
[ Ken ]
“If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t think everyone here wants to see me half-naked, I would. About to open one of the windows in here, fuck!”
From a distance, we hear Graham Clauson calling into the room. Oddly enough, he’s seen wearing eyeglasses.
[ Graham ]
“It’s sixty degrees! Open a window, show yourself off, who cares? Matter of fact, do both!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Don’t look at me to tip you, though. All my spare cash is in these.”
Jeremy holds up a thick stack of Christmas cards in his free hand.
[ Graham ]
“I can hang onto them for you for later tonight, if you want…”
[ Jeremy ]
“That’s very kind of you, but all of the money I stuffed in these cards weighs a lot…I wouldn’t want you to hurt your back.”
Graham walks in, with Jeremy handing the cards over to him. Graham, actually not expecting the weight that Jeremy was holding up, actually noticeably almost fumbles them. Jeremy snorts at this, Graham passing it off as if it was intentional.
[ Graham ]
“Well, now…some of us only have a couple million and not a couple hundred million…”
Slowly making his way to the closest seat, Jeremy falls into place. Graham walks out of view. However, from the same direction that Graham exited, enters Rachel Budai - Graham’s older cousin and Rob Budai’s only daughter.
[ Jeremy ]
“Not my fault I invested in a bunch of dumb shit that paid off. And here I thought Tinder was gonna fail.”
[ Rachel ]
“You invested money into Tinder?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Hell no. Plenty Of Fish.”
[ Ken ]
“I know you’re being sarcastic, but I still think you’re being serious. Holy shit, am I going through andropause?!”
Frustratedly warm, Ken tosses off his apron and rips the sweater off of himself.
[ Ken ]
“Sorry, folks! The cook is overly hairy, and overheated! Deal with it!”
For anyone who recalls seeing Ken fight in Global Combat Championships, he’s not kidding. Graham wolf-whistles at Ken, only for Ken to throw the sweater at something off camera - assumedly at Graham.
[ Rachel ]
“Hey, you two can foreplay after everyone goes to bed!”
[ Ross ]
“Some of us are still trying to get swiped right!”
Ross stands up, presumably to throw away the empty bottle of beer in his hand.
[ Graham ]
“I don’t know why you’re so concerned with women, dude. Did the last one not teach you anything?”
[ Ross ]
“Yeah. If she Tweets about fucking other chicks, she’s probably not the one for you.”
[ Rachel ]
“I feel attacked.”
From off camera, we hear Rob Budai chime into this conversation with his two cents - clearly, by the tone of voice, he’s joking.
[ Rob ]
“Try cock and ass, less bullshit to wade through to get more of it!”
[ Ross ]
“No thanks. I have one of each and I know where it’s been.”
Ross walks into the kitchen area, looking for the trash can.
[ Rob ]
“Soap and water, maybe use something other than Axe body spray you got discounted from Family Dollar because the can was dented…!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Either way, Ross, not all chicks are sex-crazed loonies. Even though all the chicks you’ve ever known in your life are.”
[ Graham ]
“You’ll learn when you get older. If you would’ve told me at your age that I would take one look at a guy who looks like he needs three bottles of Nair to get all of the hair off of him and that would give me the vapors? Then you’re going to find out life has many twists and turns to smack you upside the head with.”
[ Jeremy ]
“And if not that, the next girl you knock up isn’t going to just leave the kid with you, then you’ll get smacked upside the head with child support.”
[ Ross ]
“I really hope everyone’s having fun at my expense!”
Ross walks across the room past the camera.
[ Jeremy ]
“We are, son. We are.”
A bottle hits the bottom of the can with a loud thunk.
[ Ross ]
“Well, it’s not fun for me.”
[ Ken ]
“Ross, we’re just giving you shit. Come on.”
Ross walks back into the living room, no longer in the Christmas spirit.
[ Ross ]
“Well, I’m tired of everyone giving me shit. Seriously. Who the fuck are any of you even to say shit to me about how I want to live my life? If I want to get drunk and fuck bitches, I’m going to get drunk and fuck bitches and if you don’t like it, I’ll beat your fucking ass! You get me?”
[ Graham ]
“Yo, you’re at an 8 on the volume dial. Bring it down to a 4.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Miller High Life makes you deaf, I guess.”
[ Ken ]
“I thought it made every boy smile?”
[ Graham ]
“No, that was the entire Varsity football team back in high school; from what you said you did for them.”
[ Ken ]
“I never hear you complaining, do I?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Did he play football in high school?”
[ Ken ]
“Actually, no. Wrestling and baseball, Varsity in both.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Baseball makes sense. Nine guys sitting on a park bench dressed like mattress salesmen trying to hit balls by swinging wood. It ain’t quite as gay as water polo, but not every high school has their own horse pasture. Not even in Ohio.”
At this point, Ross is no longer patient or polite. He shouts from across the kitchen with intent to start an altercation. Ken and Rachel, both stuck in the kitchen between the two parties, just stare at each other as if they both are wishing this would stop immediately as it begins.
[ Ross ]
“Do you know how to do anything other than make sarcastic one-liners and pretend like you know some kind of stoic wisdom? You esoteric bullshit artist! God damn it, why do I have to claim you as my dad? The guy who smoked crack in a 4CW promo and got his dog put in the UTA Hall Of Fame is going to give me life advice? Fuck you dad.”
Ken’s eyes widen at the mention of smoking crack, almost as if he wasn’t expecting this.
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey…”
[ Ross ]
“Hey nothing. As a matter of fact…”
Ross steps back into the kitchen, the camera slightly moving forward and angling as Ross points past Rachel, specifically at Graham in the living room.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck a dick…"
Ross looks back at Ken in the kitchen, the camera swiveling and catching the finger going directly towards him.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck a dick…"
Ken, looking understandably confused, points at himself as he immediately replies to Ross.
[ Ken ]
“The fuck did I do?!”
Ross points down at his still-seated father, back in the living room.
[ Ross ]
"YOU can suck TWO dicks…"
Ross gets to Rachel, dropping his arm before possibly smacking her upside the head as he swivels.
[ Ross ]
"You….wait, have we even met before tonight?"
[ Rachel ]
"Not for more than a couple minutes, no."
[ Ross ]
"Word. Well, they can all suck upon the dickiest of dicks."
Rachel deadpans this, replying immediately without thought.
[ Rachel ]
"They didn't need your permission, but okay."
[ Jeremy ]
"Do I have your permission to shove a snowglobe up my son’s ass?"
The camera slides over towards the entrance to the living room, peaking in to see Jeremy holding what appears to be a snowglobe with a sports logo of sorts on it, but somewhat covered by Jeremy’s hand. He grips it with intent.
[ Rachel ]
"That's a Ken and Graham question, but I personally would find it entertaining to see how that turns out.."
Ross begins to walk out towards the living room, his leg barely caught in view of the camera.
[ Ross ]
"What the fuck are you gonna do?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I'm gonna put this snow globe in your ass if you keep it up."
[ Ross ]
"Yeah. Hop on up and do it, cripple. Or here, hold on. Let me see if Graham has any Perc's left, maybe that will get you up faster."
Jeremy stands up, still holding the snowglobe while tapping the ball into the palm of his hand. He does not have his cane. This prompts Ken to walk out from the kitchen to intercept him, his leg appearing to graze past the camera’s lens.
[ Ken ]
"No, no, no…"
[ Jeremy ]
"Oh yes, yes, yes. I'm gonna give him an eighty-third trimester a-"
[ Ken ]
"If he bleeds on my rug, you're going to need to get your other knee replaced."
[ Jeremy ]
"Risk it for the biscuit. Now watch out, brother man. I'm about to put my boy over my knee."
[ Ross ]
"Yeah, spank me Daddy you pussy punk bitch!"
Graham walks out into the middle of the house, as close as he can be to in between the elder and younger. We hear a stifled giggle after Ross finishes his sentence.
[ Graham ]
"Stop it, both of you! It's fucking Christmas, and nobody ordered ‘Incest Beatdown 13’ from TabooTube to happen in my damn living room!"
[ Jeremy ]
"Welp, there went my Christmas gift to you."
[ Graham ]
"You two aren't fighting in the house, and that’s fucking it! Ken and I will handle this! Go outside and chain smoke half a pack of Winstons or something, better than my foot up your ass!"
[ Ken ]
"And leave the snow globe! It was a present from TW Combat."
Jeremy sits the snowglobe back where he found it, but still doesn’t stop running his mouth.
[ Jeremy ]
"Yeah, Ross, might have gotten something for Christmas from his old gym mates if he could learn some personality skills."
[ Rob ]
“How about you Cundiff boys shut your mouths before I fuck ‘em? You’ll be too busy choking to talk shit!”
Upon hearing this, Ken grabs the towel he was using moments ago and bites on it as hard as he can. Inappropriate or not, he clearly is trying hard not to laugh from this sudden comment from the other room.
[ Ross ]
"Fuck right off with that. Don’t you dare give me his last name."
[ Jeremy ]
"Especially since I’m having it legally changed to Hanson just to piss you off. Then you, me, and the Lil’ Man can start a pop rock band.”
[ Graham ]
"Dude, your entire funeral soundtrack is now the whole Middle Of Nowhere album. Both of you."
[ LIl’ Man ]
“Can my funeral soundtrack be Fortnite?”
[ Jeremy ]
"SHIT! You really need to stop scaring me like that! And no, boy, you must be outside your mind. We have to hear it enough already.”
[ Ross ]
"I’m surprised you can hear anything, the way you like to hear yourself talk."
[ Jeremy ]
"I'm going out to smoke. Ross, if you come outside, you won't make it to 22."
[ Ross ]
"You're right, I can beat your old ass in half that many shots. I'll save the rest for his dumb ass since he'll probably come running to your rescue."
Jeremy cannot be seen exiting the house, but he exits from the same cardinal direction he had entered the kitchen from, Ross back past the camera towards the direction he had originally came from.
[ Graham ]
“Neither one of y’all gonna do shit! Stop playing like this shit is sweet!”
[ Ken ]
“Or I’m going to make you both look like the walking personification of the state of Florida, and that won’t take much at this rate.”
Graham chuckles, looking over at Ken with a grin as he walks back into the kitchen.
[ Graham ]
“I love it when you pretend to be butch.”
[ Rachel ]
“We all know it sure as hell ain’t you that’s the butch in that relationship…”
[ Graham ]
“Not my fault you’re always the butch in yours, Rach.”
Rachel’s mouth drops open, surprised with Graham’s quip. She appears to bet slightly upset, but knows it was intended in jest as she raises her hand up in a balled fist. Graham widens his eyes as if to challenge her, which she then only shifts slightly forward - almost as if to suggest she would actually try to pop him one for it. Graham shrugs.
[ Graham ]
“I.J.S. Okay… I got Jeremy. Ken, go smack some sense into Mullet… Rach… Go make sure your dad doesn’t end up pounding Larry over my new dining room table while I’m away.”
[ Rachel ]
“He’s a grown ass man, I’m not his keeper!”
[ Graham ]
“You will be when you have to wipe his and Larry’s asses in fifteen years!”
[ Rob ]
“You know I heard that!”
[ Graham ]
“Good! Maybe you should go use some mouthwash to get rid of your penis breath?”
[ Rob ]
“I saw you left the Listerine out. So considerate!”
Rachel giggles at this comment.
[ Rachel ]
“You walked right into that one!”
Graham smiles, and with an air of superiority and smug, leans forward and quietly replies.
[ Graham ]
“Go in the bathroom and see if your daddy’s bluffing…”
Graham slinks away, leaving Rachel to ponder this. As Graham exits the room, she looks at Ken, who has not yet left to pursue Ross. He simply shrugs with a smile on his face. He also leaves the room following Ross’s exit path, leaving Rachel alone. After about five seconds of silence, she slaps her leg and begins to stand.
[ Rachel ]
“Mother fuck…”
She begins to walk toward the same pathway as Graham and Jeremy, opening a nearby doorway before she exclaims.
[ Rachel ]
“God dammit, you homos!”
From the other room, Rob cackles loudly. Suddenly, the camera jostles before it appears to fall forward into the tile floor.
== 1:12 PM ==
The quality of the footage seems to have changed, but the audio tends to be slightly clear. The wind can be heard whipping across the microphone capturing the footage. Based on a visible time and date stamp at the bottom right, it’s clear this is some form of security system footage. This camera’s vantage point seems to be from a camera placed at the corner of the outside of the house, facing outwards. It captures the front walkway and most of the driveway, where Jeremy stands facing towards the street. Graham is seen entering from behind, indicating this is the front of the house.
[ Graham ]
"How many did you smoke before I got out here?"
Jeremy looks at the near depleted cigarette in his hand, the cherry closing in on the filter.
[ Jeremy ]
"Not enough. How long did you make out with Ken in front of Rachel before coming out here?”
Graham is heard chuckling, almost as if he was going to laugh the question off…before he answers it.
[ Graham ]
“Ten seconds. Enough to make her squirm.”
Jeremy can be seen slightly smiling, taking the final drag from the cigarette before squishing the cherry out of it and stomping it. He begins speaking as he begins to pull out his cigarette pack back out of his pocket.
[ Jeremy ]
Can you believe this prick? Was he drunk when he got here or do you need to check the liquor cabinets when we leave?"
[ Graham ]
"How should I know? I was too busy keeping Lil' Man out of the candy and making sure Ken didn't feel overwhelmed with the house full."
[ Jeremy ]
"He's still like fucking 13 mentally or something, I don't know. I can trust the kid by himself more than I can Ross and that's saying something."
Jeremy finds a stashed-away empty Ale-8 bottle, with a couple cigarette butts already inside. He adds one more to the collection.
[ Graham ]
"You don't think he's got something wrong with him, do you?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I know he does. And he needs to go get that shit checked out. I know there's a good person in there somewhere underneath all that hurt and shit but that doesn't give him a pass on talking to anyone in there like that."
Jeremy goes to finally pull another cigarette, careful not to pull out the two or three dark brown ones.
[ Graham ]
"So what? You think getting into a shoot is going to help? Let's be one hundred percent honest here: Ross would turn you into chum. He's a fucking former world heavyweight champion mixed martial artist. He can bench press almost double his own weight. It would take all of us to get him off of you, even with Ken basically flailing his legs like he hangs off Ross’s neck trying to grip a chokehold from behind."
[ Jeremy ]
"I've shot on guys bigger than him and I'm still here."
[ Graham ]
"Yes. And you just got out of restricted movement after surgery to get your knee replaced, hip replaced and neck fused. Why in all fuck would you ever think you could do one thing to him?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I don't know, because I used to beat people tougher than him up every night for fifteen years?"
[ Graham ]
"That's different. Ross is a whole different beast than anyone you've ever been in the ring with. Remember when he beat the brakes off Baranov? Or the title fight with Rivera? Ross can just snap at the drop of a hat and he will break whatever bone he's got a hold of like it's a damn twig.”
After lighting his smoke, Jeremy shrugs at his former tag team partner.
[ Jeremy ]
"So you're scared that Ross might just lose it and go Bobby Boucher on somebody? Is that why you didn't take him on as a partner?"
[ Graham ]
"No. Not at all. You know me, I get my Dad’s sudden General Zod-like strength bursts and tunnel vision when I’m pissed.”
[ Jeremy ]
"I get that you want to get a good singles run in and you're so close…but it wouldn't hurt to have some backup, man. And this time, you'd be the front runner of the group."
[ Graham ]
"You saw that outburst in there! You know damn well that Ross would throw a fit with a promoter twice as bad as any fit we ever threw! Ross would get us both fired and he would end what's left of my career! UPRISING is the only place left I give a shit to actually succeed in, and I'll be God damned if your bitter ass bipolar son is going to fuck it up for me!"
With the pack still out in his hand, Jeremy is left temporarily speechless.
[ Graham ]
"What?"
[ Jeremy ]
"I thought you were supposed to be the one calming me down."
Graham takes one of Jeremy's Winstons.
[ Graham ]
"Sorry about that, but not sorry for stealing a cigarette. Asshole.”
He only waves it off.
[ Jeremy ]
"No. You're right. You and I, it took us a while to trust each other. You and Ross don't have that connection yet. I think maybe Ross should just think about hanging them up, stay home with the mini-human and find a good job somewhere around here. He'll have the inheritance payouts, he won't be totally broke…"
[ Graham ]
"You know damn well that a thousand bucks a month isn't going to cover all his bills, and he has essentially zero life skills. All he knows is eat, sleep, drink, fuck, and self-defense if you even want to call it that."
[ Jeremy ]
"I remember back when that was the perfect mentality to be a pro wrestler. Goes to show you how much the business has changed…"
[ Graham ]
"Yep."
[ Jeremy ]
"And that's why you're still in it and I don't even want my name brought up in public. I kind of enjoy being able to get on the Internet and not get bothered by people who recognize me. That and maybe I'm just hiding from my past too."
[ Graham ]
“Or you’re hiding from people because you’re tired of getting attacked because you dared to draw a breath.”
Jeremy pulls the dark brown cigarettes from his pack, counting all three in succession. He glances away from the conversation and pulls one out.
[ Jeremy ]
“Speaking of drawing breath, this one’s getting lit soon. We’re about to have a 70’s Triangle.”
Jeremy motions towards somebody walking up.
[ Graham ]
“Oh, lovely, our Christmas is about to get just peachy… When did you pull in?”
On camera, the long-haired, long-bearded patriarch of the Clauson clan - Graham’s father, Matt Clauson - walks into frame.
[ Jeremy ]
“Is that the Costco Polar Bear? Or is that Evelyn?”
[ Matt ]
“So, you do remember that you confused me with my late brother-in-law in the driver’s seat!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Oh, fuck, that’s right. Look, man, I was on so much Dilaudid that I probably couldn’t have even told you where my dick was. Merry Christmas, Jesus.”
Matt and Jeremy approach, embracing each other. The camera shifts to another mounted home security type angle, this time from the opposite corner of where the house meets the garage, now facing towards the entryway of the house.
[ Matt ]
“That’s a fever dream of a drive I’d rather not remember… Good to see you, brother.”
As soon as Jeremy and Matt release, Matt steps over to Graham and pulls him into a hug. Graham doesn’t seem too willing to return the gesture, but he does so anyway.
[ Graham ]
“So, you gonna behave, old man?”
[ Matt ]
“Is your uncle here with a date?”
[ Graham ]
“How’d you know?”
[ Matt ]
“Because Robert was acting like a giddy schoolgirl the other night when I called to check in on him. The only time he acted like that was when he told me he met Dale. There is no doubt there is another man here. Also, not even going to say you miss your old man?”
At this point, Graham takes a step back. It’s clear that this conversation is going south before it can even take off on body language alone.
[ Graham ]
“Well, Matthew… Can’t really miss something that you don’t. Unless you want to piss off your favorite son, don’t show your ass tonight. I know how you get with Holidays.”
[ Matt ]
“Speaking of my favorite son, I take it Ken didn’t join you all for a cigarette?”
Jeremy taps the bottom of his cane on the ground as if to catch attention.
[ Jeremy ]
“Wow, thanks, I’ll remember that the next time you call me wanting to smoke a couple blunts.”
Matt only turns his head slightly towards Jeremy, making his quip before reverting his attention to his son.
[ Matt ]
“But you never say no.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Because you bring good stuff, I’d be stupid to say no.”
[ Graham ]
“No, he’s in there with everyone else.”
A brief pause takes place before Matt poses further query.
[ Matt ]
“…is your cousin here?”
[ Graham ]
“Yes, Rachel is here.”
Matt groans, turning around slightly before turning back towards Graham. The camera switches back to its first viewpoint.
[ Graham ]
“Well, I’m sorry that your niece thinks you’re a piece of shit. Maybe if you tried not being so confrontational with her, maybe you’d have a better relationship.”
[ Matt ]
“Why is it that I always have to be the one who extends the olive branch? I’m usually not the one in the wrong, but I end up eating the blame! Why can’t she have to eat crow for once, swallow her damn pride and actually not constantly coming after my ass whenever we’re in the same room?”
[ Graham ]
“And this is why you almost spent Christmas alone again.”
[ Matt ]
“You know…”
Matt sighs, waving off the conversation.
[ Matt ]
“I didn’t come here to argue…”
[ Graham ]
“Dammit, Dad…hold on… Jay, mind taking a stroll?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Graham, mind giving me mobility back in my leg?”
[ Matt ]
“Actually, anything that needs to be said can be said in front of him. Maybe he’ll learn to tame his wild dick turd.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Are you suggesting I stuff him in a Pokeball? He already has a name: Drinkafiu.”
[ Matt ]
“More like ‘Drank’. But, sometimes admitting when you’re wrong is better.”
[ Graham ]
“Such as…you?”
[ Matt ]
“I know where I fucked up, but I’m also not going to sit here and let any of you pound me upside the head with it. When you lose Ken, you’ll get what kind of crazy shit it will make you think or do. Just wait, this is Jeremy at the initial stage of Ariel being gone. Wait until you get to New Year’s Eve, then Valentine’s Day…”
Matt stops as Graham huffing and crossing his arms. Even he sighs, frustrated.
[ Matt ]
“I never said I was a perfect father, nor will I ever claim to have been, but you can’t deny that your mother was the lightning rod that kept our family together. After that…I don’t know why, but you and I just started getting toxic. You’ve intentionally excluded me from your life for the last three years, almost killed yourself, and you’re telling me that I need to behave when you’re just as erratic as I have been? Explain to me all of this before you tell me to watch how I act.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Damn, and I thought me versus Ross was going to be this year’s Main Event. Instead, it’s the Clauson boys arguing about which person was worse to each other. Score for me, I guess?”
The camera switches to the second angle, with Jeremy backing away a bit from the conversation but still remaining close.
[ Matt ]
“Shit, I know this family is dysfunctional! You didn’t need to remind me not even five seconds after I pull in!”
[ Jeremy ]
“At least you guys are a family. I haven’t seen any of mine since Bill Clinton was President, except for Dad like twice and my baby sister when she pulled that French ballet dancer shit with Ross. At least y’all are still here to make amends and shit. And at least you’re not like my son and literally too stupid to fix shit.”
[ Graham ]
“You sure? Because in my situation, it’s my father who is being literally too stupid to fix shit. He can’t even bother to even let the words ‘I’m sorry’ escape his lips! It’s like holding a brick of Kryptonite right up to his face!”
[ Jeremy ]
“He’s here though, isn’t he?”
[ Graham ]
“Only because my husband invited him.”
[ Jeremy ]
“He still chose to come, and it damn sure wasn’t to see the dogs.”
[ Matt ]
“Seriously, you think I wanted to come here and deal with my son, my niece, my own brother, and this asshole take shots at me all night with a smile on my face?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey, I didn’t say shit. I’m on your side. Father to father and shit.”
At this point, Matt holds his hand up towards Jeremy.
[ Matt ]
“Whoa. Pause.”
[ Graham ]
“You sure you haven’t been hanging out with Pastor Mike?”
[ Jeremy ]
“He’s stopping over tomorrow for turkey, mashed potatoes and dab hits out of the gas mask.”
[ Matt ]
“Either way, let’s not divert to what the difference is here. I’m a father, I at least knew about my kid and actively tried to raise him. Even with the mistakes I’ve made, I wasn’t just a seed donor like you. Maybe instead of trying to tell me how to try to repair what little of a relationship that I do have with my own child, why don’t you go try to fix yours?”
[ Graham ]
“God dammit, Dad! Can you not?”
Jeremy only shrugs his shoulders, holding a hand up in his trademark pose. He stuffs the blunt back into the cigarette pack, a nearly-smoked cigarette still dangling between two fingers.
[ Jeremy ]
“I was gonna light this up, but I can see now’s not a good time. I’m going inside, it’s cold as shit. Graham, you’re gonna wish I’d shot him when I had the chance.”
[ Graham ]
“No matter how much this asshole talks, he’s not worth a bullet.”
After putting it out on the edge of his cane’s tip, Jeremy throws the butt into the bottle and walks back into the house.
[ Jeremy ]
“He is when they’re 30% off. See you both inside.”
[ Graham ]
“Explains why there’s spots all over your shotgun barrels. Always knew you liked the feel of gunpowder around your dick, you sick fuck.”
The door shuts, but not before Jeremy shoots out a middle finger to be within view.
[ Graham ]
“Yeah, yeah, your ex-wife!”
[ Matt ]
“Of course, the one I actually liked had to go off and croak…”
Graham looks at Matt, eyebrow raised. The camera’s angle returns to view number one.
[ Matt ]
“Yeah, I miss Ariel too, but Peach was awesome.”
This actually causes Graham to almost crack a smile.
[ Matt ]
“Okay… Clearly, this did not go off as…gracefully as we all would’ve hoped, but look. I know you could clearly go on in your life, never speaking to me again, and you’d be happy as you could ever be. I can accept that. But, what I can’t accept is you shutting me out because you’re holding a grudge that I can’t even hope to rectify.”
[ Graham ]
“So, you do finally admit it.”
[ Matt ]
“Yeah, I was stupid. Maybe I did fuck some ring rat and cheated on your mother.”
[ Graham ]
“And when she found out, she ended up in a car wreck. And dead in more ways than one!”
[ Matt ]
“And making me relive the scenario in my head over and over isn’t going to help either one of us. Either you can continue to blame me for your mother’s death, or you can accept that the car wreck that caused it was not my doing! That was a drunk-ass driver behind the wheel of that other car, I didn’t get behind the wheel and plow into her!”
[ Graham ]
“You may as well have!”
[ Matt ]
“I know…”
The camera shifts to the second view.
[ Matt ]
“And that’s my guilt to live with. But, I think you would even agree it isn’t fair that even now, I’m feeling completely unwanted by those who I would hope would still find some worth in me. Something you should know a hell of a lot about, son…”
Matt, realizing he may have possibly stepped into a large verbal shit pile he didn’t mean to step into, can be seen grimacing after he finishes the sentence. One of Graham’s hands balls into a fist, but releases as he simply appears to move his head slightly to the right - not looking towards his father.
[ Matt ]
”Actually…how about I step inside and get another round of this from your cousin?”
Matt begins to step past Graham, but he stops. He puts one hand on Graham’s shoulder, looking towards him.
[ Matt ]
“Maybe it was a mistake, me coming here…”
Matt then begins to walk past Graham, making his way towards the front door.
[ Matt ]
“But I’m hoping that maybe you can overlook a few more and give me a little bit of credit.”
As Matt opens the door, a very brief cut of white noise kicks in.
== 1:33 PM ==
The static gives way to the handheld-style camera inside the kitchen, where Jeremy limps in with his cane cracking against the linoleum.
[ Ken ]
“Everything good out there?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yup. They just had to discuss something I didn’t want to hear.”
Jeremy leans against the nearby wall.
[ Ken ]
“As long as they aren’t swinging on each other… This house feels like a powder keg waiting to be lit. Christmas with my family back in Chicago is NOTHING like this…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuckin’ holidays, huh?”
[ Ken ]
“He warned me that hosting all of you crazies for the Holiday was probably not the best idea…”
Ken chuckles, then laughs, then grabs a towel - before shoving as much of it into his mouth and screaming. He then yanks it out, tosses it aside, and leans against the kitchen counter with a clearly put-on smile.
[ Ken ]
“No wonder my husband needs therapy!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Speaking of therapy, where’s Ross?”
[ Rachel ]
“I don’t know, he just…”
The sound of a car starting turns everyone’s head. Jeremy sighs and reaches for his cane once again.
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuck, that sounds like my Lincoln! How did he get my fucking keys?”
[ Ken ]
“He better not be thinking of driving after all he’s had to drink…”
[ Rachel ]
“How much has he had?”
[ Ken ]
“I don’t know. I just know Ross is drunk. He’s never that rude, he smelled like whiskey, and I think he pissed on the Santa statue outside.”
Bursting through the front door, Jeremy turns around towards the garage door and the paved driveway. There, among the row of cars, is parked his white 1989 Lincoln Towncar. And in the driver’s seat, just shutting the door and starting the engine, is his son Ross.
[ Jeremy ]
“Turn the car off.”
[ Ross ]
“Turn these nuts off.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Don’t make me shoot you. I’ll take this shit straight to Fast Eddie’s and tell him I hit a deer.”
[ Ross ]
“Your gun is sitting right here in the center console. You ain’t gonna do shit.”
[ Jeremy ]
“I suppose you’re right. I guess I won’t shoot you.”
Ross looks over to the Lincoln’s column shifter to go from park to reverse - but looks up to see a cane flying at the car!
[ Ross ]
“FUCK!”
Jeremy slams his hands on the glass-covered car hood, staring his son directly in the eyes.
[ Jeremy ]
“I’ll spend $500 on Safelite just to get to drag you out of this car. That’s the kind of fuck I don’t give, Ross. Get your ass out of my car, right now!”
[ Ross ]
“I don’t care, I’m done listening to everyone’s bullshit in there!”
[ Jeremy ]
“What bullshit? That people want to see you do better?”
[ Ross ]
“That’s not what that is! That’s a bunch of people judging me for not being like them! Fuck that!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Look at me! You think a bunch of judgemental pricks would invite ME OF ALL PEOPLE to their family events every fucking holiday? You think people who look down on people who aren’t like them would have anything to do with people like us? Motherfucker, that family in that house has been more of a family to you than anyone else in your life! You want to be mad at me, that’s cool. I deserve it. But Graham? Ken? Lil’ Man? What the fuck did any of them do to you?”
[ Ross ]
“You just don’t get it, do you? I bet you he didn’t say shit to you about Round II, did he?”
Jeremy takes his hands off the hood.
[ Jeremy ]
“Say shit to me about it? I’m the one who came up with the idea, Ross!”
[ Ross ]
“Then why isn’t it happening yet? When am I gonna get the call to go back on the road?”
[ Jeremy ]
“I don’t know. But I can tell you this much…”
Jeremy walks around to the driver’s side door.
[ Jeremy ]
“If you’re waiting for somebody else to give you an opportunity, you’ll be waiting the rest of your life. If you want an opportunity, get it for yourself. Don’t let anybody else be responsible for you. Graham spent half a decade in my shadow, and now he’s had to learn how to make his own opportunities in life without me. You need to learn how to make your own without him.”
[ Ross ]
“Yeah, but the plan…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Plans change. Learn how to change with them, or else you’ll end up like me. Forget about Graham. Think about Ross. Take care of Ross. If you take care of Ross, everything else will fall into place…
[ Ross ]
“That’s easy. Forget about him the way he forgot about me. I can do that.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Well, it’s not like that…”
The door flings open to reveal Matt Clauson and Rob Budai standing at the doorway.
[ Matt ]
“Hiya, Drunka! Out from the driver’s seat you go!”
Jeremy raises his hands, limping away from the car (reaching out to grab his cane from the hood just as Matt and Rob approach.
[ Jeremy ]
“Watch my Colt in the center console…”
[ Rob ]
“I have dealt with much worse!”
[ Jeremy ]
“No. I meant, don’t break my gun.”
Matt steps in, grabbing Ross by his wrists and pulling him outward from the vehicle while Rob has swiftly approached from the passenger’s side and turns the vehicle off. As Ross struggles with Matt, Rob has slid him outwards and has Ross with legs up through the windshield hole. Hobbling around, Jeremy is cackling with laughter as he cracks the front door to yell through it.
[ Jeremy ]
“This is the best Christmas ever! Hey, Rachel! You gotta come see this shit! ”
[ Matt ]
“Keep struggling and I’m gonna make you wish you were in Ariel’s casket with her, boy!”
[ Ross ]
“You’re just jealous it wasn’t you in the laundromat bathroom!”
[ Matt ]
“Jeremy, please do not hold me liable for this!”
[ Jeremy ]
“I already broke the windshield, I can probably get insurance to cover whatever you break too.”
[ Matt ]
“No, for THIS!”
[ Rob ]
“Matt, no!”
Matt drops down slightly, pulling Ross up while his feet are now resting on the driver’s seat. With Ross’ head against his chest, he slides a forearm in underneath his mouth and squeezes, holding Ross’ neck sideways in a very unnatural position while turning his head. Jeremy leans back akin to Craig and Smokey from Friday.
[ Jeremy ]
“GOD DAMN SON!”
[ Rob ]
“LET HIM GO, MATT!”
[ Jeremy ]
“DON’T LET HIM GO, MATT! HE NEEDS THAT!”
[ Matt ]
“FUCK ALL OF YOU!”
Matt releases the pressure, pulling and dropping Ross onto the driveway. He huffs, clearly upset and trying not to let his anger get the best of him. He eventually storms off, barking an order as he exits.
[ Matt ]
“Someone put this son of a whore in his damn drunk tank…”
[ Rob ]
“Someone make sure J.K. didn’t see this shit?!”
The camera abruptly switches to the security camera shot.
[ Jeremy ]
“Too late! Get back in the house! Who wants to help me drag Ross up to the guest house? I think he’s gonna be out for a few minutes.”
[ Rob ]
“I got him…”
Rob, sliding back out through the passenger’s side door, steps around the car.
[ Rob ]
“I knew he was going to cinch that in the moment Ross ran his mouth… Matt is still a loose cannon when you hit the right nerve…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yeah, was that a fuckin’ grovit lock? I haven’t seen one of those in a long time….”
[ Rob ]
“You know what a grovit is?”
Rob kneels down to Ross, who hasn’t made it even to his knees.
[ Jeremy ]
“It was shown to me back in my rookie years, but I was honestly kind of afraid of it. The Deathtrap was as close as I was willing to get to actually putting someone in that hold. You can see why…”
Rob is able to get Ross up enough before, with arm over shoulder, heaving both he and Ross to standing measure.
[ Rob ]
“I should’ve never shown Matt that move… Only reason he knows it is because we’ve had to use it to get out of some nasty bar fights back in the day. I’m surprised Graham drinks so little, we were lushes back then…”
[ Jeremy ]
“Well, let’s hope Ross is too drunk to remember that hold, or else we just taught him something else he didn’t need to know.”
Rob looks over at Ross, who’s head is slightly bobbling around. He also winces, smelling the amount of alcohol consumed.
[ Rob ]
“It’s very situational, so I don’t think it’s something he can use with any dedication… He’s right now so tanked that I think we have a few good hours of peace before sundown?”
[ Jeremy ]
“This boy bleeds wrestling. If anyone could come up with a way to use that shit, it’s him.”
[ Rob ]
“Only thing he’s bleeding is rye right now, kid. Alright, Ross, you think you can walk this, or do I have to Pretty Woman your ass to the bed?”
[ Ross ]
“Question, tell me what you think about me? I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings! Only ring your celly when you’re feeling lonely…”
[ Rob ]
“Yeah, I think he’s done. Upsy-daisy!”
Rob hoists Ross up, struggling at first but eventually getting the weight distribution down.
[ Rob ]
“Fuck, I gotta remember I’m no spring chicken anymore! That, or this kid is heavier than he looks!”
Rob begins to move forward with Ross bobble-heading the entire time he’s being carried.
[ Jeremy ]
“Hey at least we don’t have to change his diaper. But we probably should bounce just in case we smell piss.”
[ Rob ]
“There’s a washing machine for that.”
[ Jeremy ]
“Yeah, but we can’t just throw him in a Maytag with some Tide pods, come back in an hour and he’s mentally stable enough to hold down a job.”
[ Rob ]
“Baby steps, Jay… Trust me, Rachel wasn’t any easier!”
[ Jeremy ]
“Rachel couldn’t throw a cinder block 20 yards, either.”
[ Rob ]
“Maybe, but she’d sure as hell rip your nuts off and scratch your eyeballs out just as quickly… Plus, she’s not innocent, either…”
As Rob and Jeremy approach the guest house and another security cam angle, Jeremy shuffles as quickly as he can to get the door open for Rob.
[ Rob ]
”Growing up? Graham was the good kid who just wanted to be just like his dad, but he didn’t know all the shit going down behind the scenes like I did. I watched Matt turn into a terrible person on the road, and that’s why I couldn’t keep tagging with him anymore. I was so tired of being his babysitter, like we never left childhood in that respect. Rachel…oh God, she was the problem child.”
Upon entering the guest house, Rob and Ross’ halfway-conscious frame go one direction while Jeremy moves towards the bathroom. However, Rob and Jeremy can still converse.
[ Jeremy ]
“She’s the sensible one out of the family now, what the Hell you mean?”
[ Rob ]
“She got caught smoking at 13, drinking at 15, and apparently lost her virginity at 16 with me downstairs! She was the wild one… But she always was protective of Graham. It was like she knew he was going to have issues with his own view of himself and him wanting to possibly hurt himself back then. It was like she knew more than we did, and dammit, was she not wrong…”
Looking down into the bathroom sink, blood and a small sliver of glass are seen in Jeremy’s palm. Using his teeth, he rips the glass out.
[ Rob ]
“Now she thinks she has some moral victory she can hang over Matt just so she can have some form of revenge for all the times he put her in her place when he caught her being stupid. This family’s got some fucked up Jenga blocks holding the tower up, but we play our parts…”
A quick run of some water clears things off, but more blood comes. Looking around, Jeremy flips open the medicine cabinet to see the perfect thing for absorbing blood.
[ Rob ]
“I just wish, maybe for one year, we didn’t have a story about who showed their ass the most on a Holiday. Just one…”
Ross is sat into the bed as gently as possible. Rob turns to leave the bedroom.
[ Jeremy ]
“Just a normal family having a normal holiday…my man, I don’t know if anyone has that.”
[ Rob ]
“Maybe you’re right, and we’re as normal as anybody else.”
Rob stares at Jeremy in the guest house’s living room. Jeremy has a Maxi-pad stuck on his cut hand.
[ Rob ]
“That’s not how you stop that kind of gash, you stupid straight boy.”
[ Jeremy ]
“You’re right, I have some Krazy Glue in the car.”
[ Rob ]
“Come on, let me make sure he can’t choke on his own vomit and I’ll go find the first aid kit. Your hand is not a vagina.”
Suddenly, we hear a voice over an intercom.
[ Ken ]
“What the fuck happened out there?!”
Rob, hearing this, sees the speaker for the intercom. He walks over to it and presses the button to reply.
[ Rob ]
“Is this place bugged?”
[ Ken ]
“Is Ross drunk? It’s called making sure I don’t find Lil’ Man doing Parkour all through that house while Ross sleeps off another fifth.”
[ Jeremy ]
“It’s like a baby monitor, only the baby is old enough to buy alcohol.”
[ Ken ]
“And the feminine supplies are not for first aid, Jeremy! Get over here so we can get that cleaned up! For God’s sake, you’d think I’m running an Airbnb for Morons over there.”
[ Rob ]
“There are cameras?!”
[ Ken ]
“Just not in the bathroom or bedrooms. I don’t want to see the strange Ross sneaks in there. Be happy you’re sleeping in the main house, Robbie.”
[ Jeremy ]
“And now you know why I sleep on the couch.”
[ Ken ]
“And you may want to hurry; Graham and Matt screaming it out over whatever shit he had Ross locked into. I’m gonna need backup here soon, Larry’s running interference and I’m afraid he’s going to get ran over!”
[ Rob ]
“Can’t catch a fucking break!”
[ Jeremy ]
“No one escapes the grovit! Hang on, I’m coming! Don’t worry about Larry, he won’t die if he takes a punch.”
Rob, however, doesn’t wait and nearly trips over the end table by the sofa before bolting out the door. Jeremy shrugs, sighs deeply, and limps with his cane to the door. The cameras switch off when the door closes.
== 1:59 PM ==
When we come back to a moving picture, it is back to the shaky low-angle handheld cam. Shouting is heard, as Graham and Matt are seen less than a foot apart from each other.
[ Graham ]
“The fuck is wrong with you, old man?! Can’t not throw a damn shot anywhere you go?”
[ Matt ]
“Don’t you even! I’m trying to keep him from basically running that car into your house, and the only thing I get is berated because I had to be the one to go take care of things! As usual!”
[ Rachel ]
“Like the ring rats taking care of you!”
[ Matt ]
“Get some new material, Ms. Garrison.”
[ Rachel ]
“What, mad that you can’t walk into any family gathering knowing your the reason this family is a literal fuck joke?”
[ Graham ]
“GODDAMMIT, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES! EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE, I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER’S MEMORY-“
[ Larry ]
“For Heaven’s sake, all of you need to take a damn breath and calm down! Especially you, Graham…!”
At this point, Rob has just entered the house as Larry Gowan’s voice booms through the room for the first time in the entire video. The color in Rob’s face drains, which Larry catches sight of immediately. He pauses briefly, but winks at him before he continues. Ken appears beside Rob, appearing just as fearful and tense.
[ Larry ]
“You may be a Cincinnati Son, but red isn’t a color that suits your skin tone. I think we’re letting things get too emotional? All of us, maybe?”
Even though he’s likely the shortest person in the room, he’s commanding their attention now – might have something to do with the fact that he actually raised his voice loud enough to be heard.
[ Larry ]
“Listen, I know I haven’t really earned the right to speak up on this… but from where I’m sitting, you’re all being fricken ridiculous – pardon my French. In my experience, and believe you me, I have plenty… this holiday has the tendency to bring out the absolute worst in people. It’s stressful. It’s worse than waterboarding or being forced to watch that moron Johnny Stylez butcher the English language, being stuck in close quarters with people you spend the rest of the year doing your best to avoid. So I’m not going to demand we all link hands, gather ‘round by the fire and start singing Silent Night. Quite frankly, I absolutely loathe this holiday and all it stands for.”
He glances around their faces, eyes locking with Rob’s for a moment before he takes a deep breath and continues.
[ Larry ]
“I know, terribly off-brand for me when I’m 24/7 sunshine, roses and puppies frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers… but it is what it is. Spent my fair share of Thanksgivings and Christmases alone for the last five years and as much as it pains me to say it… even with the noise here, even with all of you acting like spoiled children… I was actually feeling somewhat grateful to be included. A part of me is a little envious, to see all of you together here, even if you’re at odds. You’re lucky to have such a large family still on this side of the grass rather than everyone you ever cared about being six feet under and I just…”
He breaks off, shaking his head.
[ Larry ]
“Sorry. It’s not my place to judge. It’s none of my business. I just think you should appreciate what you have here, while you still have it.”
Having said that, he turns and strides quickly from the room before he loses his composure completely. Rob, still slightly pale, rushes to follow Larry. The rest of the room is left silent, minus the wonderful little tune that now is played when an oven timer goes off (when was a klaxon noise not enough?), prompting Ken to slip out of view into the kitchen.
[ Matt ]
“Um… Did we all…just get told off…by Larry Gowan?”
[ Graham ]
“Yes… I think…we just…did…”
[ Rachel ]
“Yeah…and, I think we ruined Dad’s date too.”
And on-cue and late to the party, in comes Jeremy hobbling with his cane.
[ Jeremy ]
“Fuck me, Larry, you waited eleven years to cut a promo on us and THAT’S what you came up with? You know what, I’m actually gonna do what you’re saying we should do. Makes more sense to be nice to people than to have a heart attack yelling at someone over dumb shit.”
[ Graham ]
“I think I’m going to go help Ken out in the kitchen…”
[ Rachel ]
“I’ll come with.”
Graham and Rachel both slip out towards the kitchen, leaving the patriarchal members of the family sitting in the room alone. They both sit in silence, looking around the room for a moment before they look at each other.
[ Matt ]
“All of this because I showed up and your son got drunk. Guess there's only one thing left... Blunt?”
[ Jeremy ]
“Blunt.”
The two old fathers look towards the camera, before the shot cuts into white-noise for a split-second - to reveal a security camera labeled “Mud Room”. On this shot, we see Rob has Larry sat on top of a table! It looks as if these two may have been making out pretty heavy for a moment!
[ Rob ]
“If you keep telling my family off like this, you’re going to be riding Space Mountain!”
And on that line ending, the video ends.