Post by perryrowler on Sept 18, 2021 14:55:57 GMT -5
The video is streaming on UPRISING’s official YouTube channel. The logo flashes over a silent black screen as a timer counts down to zero.
CUT TO:
INT. ELDORADO CASINO — CONFERENCE ROOM.
INT. ELDORADO CASINO — CONFERENCE ROOM.
Mark Bishop, UPRISING’s Head of Media Relations, is standing behind a podium, flanked by two long tables, behind which are sitting some of UPRISING’s top stars. Behind him the wall is covered with a black backdrop with alternating logos for the Eldorado Casino and UPRISING.
Due to COVID-19 precautions, there is no audience for this scrum and all questions from reporters will be fielded over zoom.
MARK BISHOP
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our first ever media scrum, a week ahead of our big “go home” show, Revolution 18, and just three weeks before the biggest event in UPRISING’s history, our season finale, Apotheosis. Without further ado, I will turn this over to our General Manager, Larry Gowan.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our first ever media scrum, a week ahead of our big “go home” show, Revolution 18, and just three weeks before the biggest event in UPRISING’s history, our season finale, Apotheosis. Without further ado, I will turn this over to our General Manager, Larry Gowan.
As Mark steps out of frame, Larry enters, walking across the platform to the podium.
LARRY GOWAN
I just want to thank everyone for coming out and all our talent who were able to make it tonight. We wanted as many members of our roster to be here as possible but as you know, a lot of our wrestlers work for other promotions between our events. As these scrums become a regular occurrence I expect we will have more wrestlers able to take part to promote their matches. Now, let’s get things started. Who’s up first?
I just want to thank everyone for coming out and all our talent who were able to make it tonight. We wanted as many members of our roster to be here as possible but as you know, a lot of our wrestlers work for other promotions between our events. As these scrums become a regular occurrence I expect we will have more wrestlers able to take part to promote their matches. Now, let’s get things started. Who’s up first?
From off camera, we hear Mark Bishop jump in to cue up the journalists on the line.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Our first question is from Sal Rothstein of BleacherReport.com.
Our first question is from Sal Rothstein of BleacherReport.com.
From the zoom call a voice speaks up.
SAL ROTHSTEIN (O.S.)
Sal Rothstein, Pro Wrestling Observer. My first question is for the champion. You recently changed your in-ring name from Legion to Jack Moreau, you say as a tribute to your late mother. Have you received any pushback from the company, seeing as though you are the current champion, your face is plastered all over the adverts under the name LEGION?
Sal Rothstein, Pro Wrestling Observer. My first question is for the champion. You recently changed your in-ring name from Legion to Jack Moreau, you say as a tribute to your late mother. Have you received any pushback from the company, seeing as though you are the current champion, your face is plastered all over the adverts under the name LEGION?
Jack, like all the wrestlers, is sitting behind a table covered in black linen and a skirt. In front of him a microphone is attached to a small stand with the UPRISING championship propped up against it.
JACK MOREAU
No, there was no pushback. Quite frankly, the fact that anyone would suggest otherwise is absurd. You really think I didn’t go to the bosses and tell them what I wanted to do? I have their full support. You have to remember, Brad Jackson actually knew my mother. When I texted him my initial idea a month ago, he backed me 100%. And speaking of, before any of you ask, my legal name is Nathan Jackson Grey. I didn’t know until a few months ago the name Jackson was given to me by my Great Aunt in tribute to my late mother, Jacquiline Moreau. It has dick-all to do with Jax, though I wouldn’t be surprised if the boss had a dozen little Jax’s running around out there like George Foreman with his kids.
SAL ROTHSTEIN
Thanks, champ. My other question is for Mr. Gowan. Has it been a tough transition to take over as head booker and general manager?
No, there was no pushback. Quite frankly, the fact that anyone would suggest otherwise is absurd. You really think I didn’t go to the bosses and tell them what I wanted to do? I have their full support. You have to remember, Brad Jackson actually knew my mother. When I texted him my initial idea a month ago, he backed me 100%. And speaking of, before any of you ask, my legal name is Nathan Jackson Grey. I didn’t know until a few months ago the name Jackson was given to me by my Great Aunt in tribute to my late mother, Jacquiline Moreau. It has dick-all to do with Jax, though I wouldn’t be surprised if the boss had a dozen little Jax’s running around out there like George Foreman with his kids.
SAL ROTHSTEIN
Thanks, champ. My other question is for Mr. Gowan. Has it been a tough transition to take over as head booker and general manager?
Larry leans forward slightly toward his mic.
LARRY GOWAN
Honestly? No. I was the GM of WCWF’s Wednesday Night Wreckage back in 2003 when I was rehabbing an injury after falling through an open trapdoor during a match. I’ve been a trainer and a student of the game longer than I ever thought possible and I’ve got considerably more wrestling knowledge crammed in my head in the last seventeen years. I’m looking forward to ushering in a second season.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Up next is Chris Miller of PWInsider.com.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
My question is for Kalinda. Swine Flew are the longest reigning champions in uprising history. You've arguably cleaned out the division. Is there any team you consider a threat to your titles?
Honestly? No. I was the GM of WCWF’s Wednesday Night Wreckage back in 2003 when I was rehabbing an injury after falling through an open trapdoor during a match. I’ve been a trainer and a student of the game longer than I ever thought possible and I’ve got considerably more wrestling knowledge crammed in my head in the last seventeen years. I’m looking forward to ushering in a second season.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Up next is Chris Miller of PWInsider.com.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
My question is for Kalinda. Swine Flew are the longest reigning champions in uprising history. You've arguably cleaned out the division. Is there any team you consider a threat to your titles?
The Dragon Empress is sitting just to the left of Larry Gowan.
KALINDA
Oh definitely! While the likes of Bodaggit and Turd Niblet have been defeated, Pisstopher Moshbin and Summer the Poop are still out there, waiting, reeking, plotting their revenge from inside the unflushed bowl of the commode in Lil Juicy's dressing room. The piddle and plop that get beaten out of them should they put their fluid-covered snoots into Swine Flew business again could corrode and stain the UPRISING Tag Team Titles.
I mean, pro wrestling titles don't typically come with poo-resistant coatings on the leather. Though they probably ought to, after all this is the second company in a row I've been in where this sort of mess has come up.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
I meant "threat to your titles" as in another team beating you, not another team getting them dirty.
KALINDA
Oh. Well why didn't you say that to begin with?
The short answer is no.
The long answer is nooooooooo.
The longer answer is that tag teams either break up, vanish into the ether, run away in shame because they will never be as smol and cute as Regan and I, or get sucked into the Neverending UPRISING Trios Tag Title Vortex and find themselves unable to escape.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
My second question is for Samantha Tolson. After losing the Silver State title to Gaston Gillet you've had a rocky few matches, including two no contests and a loss, but last week you defeated Summer Page in a highly touted First Blood match. Where do you see yourself going from here?
Oh definitely! While the likes of Bodaggit and Turd Niblet have been defeated, Pisstopher Moshbin and Summer the Poop are still out there, waiting, reeking, plotting their revenge from inside the unflushed bowl of the commode in Lil Juicy's dressing room. The piddle and plop that get beaten out of them should they put their fluid-covered snoots into Swine Flew business again could corrode and stain the UPRISING Tag Team Titles.
I mean, pro wrestling titles don't typically come with poo-resistant coatings on the leather. Though they probably ought to, after all this is the second company in a row I've been in where this sort of mess has come up.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
I meant "threat to your titles" as in another team beating you, not another team getting them dirty.
KALINDA
Oh. Well why didn't you say that to begin with?
The short answer is no.
The long answer is nooooooooo.
The longer answer is that tag teams either break up, vanish into the ether, run away in shame because they will never be as smol and cute as Regan and I, or get sucked into the Neverending UPRISING Trios Tag Title Vortex and find themselves unable to escape.
CHRIS MILLER (O.S.)
My second question is for Samantha Tolson. After losing the Silver State title to Gaston Gillet you've had a rocky few matches, including two no contests and a loss, but last week you defeated Summer Page in a highly touted First Blood match. Where do you see yourself going from here?
Sam is sitting back in her chair, looking fabulous as always in a designer black dress with lace arms.
SAM TOLSON
In reality there's only one way to go. I've put Mosh and Summer squarely in the rear view mirror now, and it's time to earn a shot at the Uprising Championship.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Greg Davidson of The Ring Report.
GREG DAVIDSON (O.S.)
My question is for the champ. I saw you mention that every fan with a ticket will get a free Jack Moreau t-shirt. Was that your idea?
JACK MOREAU
It was mine. I’m not going to get too much into this, because I’m done acknowledging people who have left the promotion but continue to piss and moan about me. I do understand the, let’s call it inconvenience, of the company having to go back and fix all the branding and advertisements that involve me. Quite frankly I don’t care if something still says Legion because it’s not about a poster or a marquee. It’s about my past, where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I just didn’t feel comfortable anymore using a name that was born out of the mind of someone who was mentally unwell.
I could go by my legal name. Maybe that would have been more acceptable to some, but again, I don’t care what anyone thinks. I went with my middle name because it was chosen by my mother—my real mother—and I went with her last name because I don’t want to be associated with my adoptive parents. It’s that simple.
But anyway, back to your question, I didn’t feel comfortable double dipping the fans, many of whom have already bought shirts with Legion plastered all over them. This is just me saying thanks for those who have supported me rather than trying to sell a bunch of new merch.
For those who don’t like me, congrats. I just gave you something you can burn in your backyard on Facebook Live.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Roger Dean of Figure Four Online.
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
Thanks. My question is for Reno Nevada.
In reality there's only one way to go. I've put Mosh and Summer squarely in the rear view mirror now, and it's time to earn a shot at the Uprising Championship.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Greg Davidson of The Ring Report.
GREG DAVIDSON (O.S.)
My question is for the champ. I saw you mention that every fan with a ticket will get a free Jack Moreau t-shirt. Was that your idea?
JACK MOREAU
It was mine. I’m not going to get too much into this, because I’m done acknowledging people who have left the promotion but continue to piss and moan about me. I do understand the, let’s call it inconvenience, of the company having to go back and fix all the branding and advertisements that involve me. Quite frankly I don’t care if something still says Legion because it’s not about a poster or a marquee. It’s about my past, where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I just didn’t feel comfortable anymore using a name that was born out of the mind of someone who was mentally unwell.
I could go by my legal name. Maybe that would have been more acceptable to some, but again, I don’t care what anyone thinks. I went with my middle name because it was chosen by my mother—my real mother—and I went with her last name because I don’t want to be associated with my adoptive parents. It’s that simple.
But anyway, back to your question, I didn’t feel comfortable double dipping the fans, many of whom have already bought shirts with Legion plastered all over them. This is just me saying thanks for those who have supported me rather than trying to sell a bunch of new merch.
For those who don’t like me, congrats. I just gave you something you can burn in your backyard on Facebook Live.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Roger Dean of Figure Four Online.
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
Thanks. My question is for Reno Nevada.
Reno is laid back in his chair, wearing a pair of Ray-bans and a yellow Nike baseball jersey with BOSTON written across the chest. He is noticeably fitter after dedicating himself over the last month to getting back into his old MMA shape. Larry Gowan clears his throat, which seems to startle Reno as he suddenly sits up and looks around.
RENO NEVADA
Present!
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
You and Mosh have been involved in one another’s matches for a long time now, going all the way back to Revolution 12 when you were an integral part of Sam Tolson’s win over the VIP. Now you’ve had two back to back matches with Mosh, during which things seem to have become personal between the two of you. With each of you having one win over the other, do you think you’re heading to a showdown at Apotheosis?
RENO NEVADA
First off, let me say, I’m glad everyone at the table got my memo about the sunglasses. I wanted to make sure I was the only jerk sitting up here like a world series of poker asshole trying to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run.
But to answer your question, Dodger—
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
Roger.
RENO NEVADA
—of course this shit’s personal! The man hates cats! I must vanquish my foe in the name of feline justice! By the way, you notice how Mosh and Vilaro aren’t here, right? They’re prolly out there trying to hoodwink some old lady out of her social security check for some magic youth serum. Did I answer the question?
LARRY GOWAN
Not really.
RENO NEVADA
Great!
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Herold Benson of WrestleNomics.
HEROLD BENSON (O.S.)
To Kalina, you and your partner Regan Vorhees wrestled at Revolution 17, a match from which you came out victorious. Could this be the beginning of the end of Swine Flew? Historically when tag teams start fighting, even if it's over something like video game characters, it's not long after that things break down completely.
KALINDA
You do realize that was a joke, right?
The whole Mario/Sonic "Which character would carry the MPreg baby?" thing was Regan and I coming up with something overblown, ridiculous, and nonsensical after the match was already signed at Steve's behest.
Steve wanted to see the two of us go at it, and while annoying that he did so without asking us beforehand, Regan and I went with it and made up the stupidest justification for having a match possible that even the biggest glue-huffing mouthbreathers in the professional wrestling fandom would realize was not an actual thing to be fighting over.
So congratulations, buddy! You took my lowest expectations as a challenge and shimmied your way under them like a professional limbo dancer. Eating paste. In his mother's basement. Lay off the spray paint before you hurt yourself.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Next up is Dave Grecco of Busted Open.
DAVE GRECCO (O.S.)
Back to Samantha, you’ve been in UPRISING since the very beginning. Looking back, how would you rate your career here in Reno thus far?
SAM TOLSON
It saddens me that I'm one of the extremely few left from that first show. That said, the first question to me is the answer. It's been an up and down roller coaster of a ride. Would I change anything? Probably not, if anything it would be not putting Mosh down right from the jump. But even that gave me the chance to be UPRISING’s first and thus far only two-time champion, so there is a bit of a silver lining.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Sean Radeke of PWTorch.
SEAN RADEKE (O.S.)
Hey, this is for Jack Moreau. Prior to your match with Luther, you seemed very confident that not only would you beat him, but you would do so convincingly while also punishing him for the numerous lines he crossed leading up to last Saturday. However, the match we saw was not dominated by you. Some have even said Luther appeared to have the upperhand for most of the bout. How do you feel about your performance at Revolution 17?
JACK MOREAU
A little unsatisfied, to be honest. I wanted to win, of course but I also wanted to hurt the man for what he did. Did I accomplish that goal? I think so, but not to the extent I wanted. My plan was to defeat him, first and foremost, but it was a harder battle than I anticipated. Quite frankly, as far as brute strength goes, he’s the toughest challenge I’ve faced in my entire career.
He was able to toss me around with ease and I struggled to overcome that at various points but I did. In the end, I gave as good as I got and I won. My animosity for him probably made me too emotional, if I’m being honest. I should have just focused on winning, and had I done so, I think it would have been in a more convincing fashion. Either way, the only thing that matters is the one, two, three.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Our next question comes from Amy Nichols from Wrestle Joy.
AMY NICHOLS (O.S.)
I just wanted to ask Reno about the cheating that has gone on between himself and Mosh in their two matches thus far. Clearly you two have gone out of your way to manipulate the referees and bend the rules in your favor. Have you received any blow back from the refs or the front office?
RENO NEVADA
Well, after the last match I walked past Stef Delano in the back and, well, let’s just say I know that look. Reminded me of my ol’ mum when she found out I got kicked out of Harvard. Just pure disappointment. You know, I’d like to say I feel bad about it, but I don’t. The one thing I’ve learned since joining this place is that it’s like Monopoly. Cheating is tolerated, it's accepted, it’s a big part of the game. You just can’t get caught.
LARRY GOWAN
That’s not true at all…
RENO NEVADA
Mosh beat me the first time because he European uppercutted my balls and rolled me up while holding my jeans. That was okay, right? I didn’t see no justice for Ol’ Renny Red Balls, did I? So then in my rematch, I showed that dumb ass how we do in Southie. Now he’s crying all over twitter because he was “screwed.” Yeah, sure you were, buddy.
The fact is, that dickwad cheats so much, the ref had no reason to not believe that he smashed my face into a steel turnbuckle. Not to mention the fact that HE WAS THE ONE THAT REMOVED THE PADDING. All I did was toss it back to him and play dead. So maybe, just maybe, if that jizz stain doesn’t want the refs to assume he cheated, maybe he should actually not cheat, but to be honest with you? I don’t give a shit one way or another. I just found out earlier today that Vilaro picked Coda to be my tag partner next week. Quite frankly, I was shocked to read it. This lady actually picked a great technical wrestler in Coda. Has anyone actually seen Vilaro wrestle? Hocking smoothies to Hollywood types who need something to make them vomit up all those calories they weren’t supposed to eat isn’t a useful skill in the ring. It might get you traction on QVC but in that ring it’ll just get your ass beat.
Now, if you’ll excuse me… I gotta go eat my fifth serving of chicken and rice for the day while crying about how much I miss E.L. Fudge cookies.
Present!
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
You and Mosh have been involved in one another’s matches for a long time now, going all the way back to Revolution 12 when you were an integral part of Sam Tolson’s win over the VIP. Now you’ve had two back to back matches with Mosh, during which things seem to have become personal between the two of you. With each of you having one win over the other, do you think you’re heading to a showdown at Apotheosis?
RENO NEVADA
First off, let me say, I’m glad everyone at the table got my memo about the sunglasses. I wanted to make sure I was the only jerk sitting up here like a world series of poker asshole trying to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run.
But to answer your question, Dodger—
ROGER DEAN (O.S.)
Roger.
RENO NEVADA
—of course this shit’s personal! The man hates cats! I must vanquish my foe in the name of feline justice! By the way, you notice how Mosh and Vilaro aren’t here, right? They’re prolly out there trying to hoodwink some old lady out of her social security check for some magic youth serum. Did I answer the question?
LARRY GOWAN
Not really.
RENO NEVADA
Great!
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Herold Benson of WrestleNomics.
HEROLD BENSON (O.S.)
To Kalina, you and your partner Regan Vorhees wrestled at Revolution 17, a match from which you came out victorious. Could this be the beginning of the end of Swine Flew? Historically when tag teams start fighting, even if it's over something like video game characters, it's not long after that things break down completely.
KALINDA
You do realize that was a joke, right?
The whole Mario/Sonic "Which character would carry the MPreg baby?" thing was Regan and I coming up with something overblown, ridiculous, and nonsensical after the match was already signed at Steve's behest.
Steve wanted to see the two of us go at it, and while annoying that he did so without asking us beforehand, Regan and I went with it and made up the stupidest justification for having a match possible that even the biggest glue-huffing mouthbreathers in the professional wrestling fandom would realize was not an actual thing to be fighting over.
So congratulations, buddy! You took my lowest expectations as a challenge and shimmied your way under them like a professional limbo dancer. Eating paste. In his mother's basement. Lay off the spray paint before you hurt yourself.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Next up is Dave Grecco of Busted Open.
DAVE GRECCO (O.S.)
Back to Samantha, you’ve been in UPRISING since the very beginning. Looking back, how would you rate your career here in Reno thus far?
SAM TOLSON
It saddens me that I'm one of the extremely few left from that first show. That said, the first question to me is the answer. It's been an up and down roller coaster of a ride. Would I change anything? Probably not, if anything it would be not putting Mosh down right from the jump. But even that gave me the chance to be UPRISING’s first and thus far only two-time champion, so there is a bit of a silver lining.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Sean Radeke of PWTorch.
SEAN RADEKE (O.S.)
Hey, this is for Jack Moreau. Prior to your match with Luther, you seemed very confident that not only would you beat him, but you would do so convincingly while also punishing him for the numerous lines he crossed leading up to last Saturday. However, the match we saw was not dominated by you. Some have even said Luther appeared to have the upperhand for most of the bout. How do you feel about your performance at Revolution 17?
JACK MOREAU
A little unsatisfied, to be honest. I wanted to win, of course but I also wanted to hurt the man for what he did. Did I accomplish that goal? I think so, but not to the extent I wanted. My plan was to defeat him, first and foremost, but it was a harder battle than I anticipated. Quite frankly, as far as brute strength goes, he’s the toughest challenge I’ve faced in my entire career.
He was able to toss me around with ease and I struggled to overcome that at various points but I did. In the end, I gave as good as I got and I won. My animosity for him probably made me too emotional, if I’m being honest. I should have just focused on winning, and had I done so, I think it would have been in a more convincing fashion. Either way, the only thing that matters is the one, two, three.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
Our next question comes from Amy Nichols from Wrestle Joy.
AMY NICHOLS (O.S.)
I just wanted to ask Reno about the cheating that has gone on between himself and Mosh in their two matches thus far. Clearly you two have gone out of your way to manipulate the referees and bend the rules in your favor. Have you received any blow back from the refs or the front office?
RENO NEVADA
Well, after the last match I walked past Stef Delano in the back and, well, let’s just say I know that look. Reminded me of my ol’ mum when she found out I got kicked out of Harvard. Just pure disappointment. You know, I’d like to say I feel bad about it, but I don’t. The one thing I’ve learned since joining this place is that it’s like Monopoly. Cheating is tolerated, it's accepted, it’s a big part of the game. You just can’t get caught.
LARRY GOWAN
That’s not true at all…
RENO NEVADA
Mosh beat me the first time because he European uppercutted my balls and rolled me up while holding my jeans. That was okay, right? I didn’t see no justice for Ol’ Renny Red Balls, did I? So then in my rematch, I showed that dumb ass how we do in Southie. Now he’s crying all over twitter because he was “screwed.” Yeah, sure you were, buddy.
The fact is, that dickwad cheats so much, the ref had no reason to not believe that he smashed my face into a steel turnbuckle. Not to mention the fact that HE WAS THE ONE THAT REMOVED THE PADDING. All I did was toss it back to him and play dead. So maybe, just maybe, if that jizz stain doesn’t want the refs to assume he cheated, maybe he should actually not cheat, but to be honest with you? I don’t give a shit one way or another. I just found out earlier today that Vilaro picked Coda to be my tag partner next week. Quite frankly, I was shocked to read it. This lady actually picked a great technical wrestler in Coda. Has anyone actually seen Vilaro wrestle? Hocking smoothies to Hollywood types who need something to make them vomit up all those calories they weren’t supposed to eat isn’t a useful skill in the ring. It might get you traction on QVC but in that ring it’ll just get your ass beat.
Now, if you’ll excuse me… I gotta go eat my fifth serving of chicken and rice for the day while crying about how much I miss E.L. Fudge cookies.
Reno abruptly stands from the table and walks off the stage.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
We have time for two more questions. First is from John Sullivan of Ringside News.
We have time for two more questions. First is from John Sullivan of Ringside News.
The voice which comes through the zoom call is actually the trusty UPRISING intern, Steve. As he speaks, it sounds like he’s reading off a script.
INTERN STEVE (O.S.)
Empress Kalinda, last Wednesday you and your magnificent tag team partner, Regan Voorhees, invaded UPRISING's working partner, OneWrestleMovement, interrupting a match that somebody else already interrupted, despite you having claimed the slot on VillainsOnly in the proper fashion for doing dastardly deeds of supervillainy. Can you explain your reasoning for bringing a sense of momentary wonder and delight in a promotion that is not UPRISING?
KALINDA
Thank you, Steve, putting the log-in credentials to real use. RingsideNews is not a legitimate wrestling press organization and should not be treated as such. Please set fire to the notecard with the log-in information I stole from Ringside and gave to you once the event is done so that this oversight is corrected once and for all.
ANYWAY! Now that UPRISING has a working relationship with OWM Regan and I figured that we'd go and give a surprise hello to Swine Flew OG member Matt Knox. But as you mentioned, some frowny-faced biscuits had already went and ruined the match that we were planning to already ruin.
So we just brawled with everybody instead, including Knox's partner. Because Hatchetts are clearly a form of axe, and what is an axe anyway but an indecisive hammer that has delusions of being a sword, or a sword that has perverse ambitions to become more hammer-like.
Regan and I have clear feelings on the matter of axes that can be summed up with this scientific-type diagram:
Axes are for the peasantry, serial killers, and peasants who are also serial killers. So clearly we did Knox a favor.
Everybody wins because someone interfered in that match. Two teams that would've had it count as a loss have it as a win, Regulators Inc get to continue to whine and bitch about being pushed aside and overshadowed by other tag teams, the fans in attendance and watching at home got to see a spectacular entrance that shows what they're missing by not watching UPRISING, and UPRISING has several tag teams that are assuredly going to be out for revenge.
Which means that UPRISING's fans can look forward to matches taking place with tag teams that are not piles of bodily waste pretending to be rich people or disgusting, deluded uromancers.
It's an unfortunate fact of life that most UPRISING tag team take a look at the impossible task that is dethroning the longest reigning champions in UPRISING history, and instead of competing as proper tag teams result in performing dark and blasphemous rituals to conjure up a third member to enter the Trios division rather than risk facing the combined wrath of Regan and myself.
I refuse to believe that Nico Pazzini is a real human being and not a golem that Ricky Rhodes crafted from the contents of the dumpsters they filled after they filmed Des Moines, Iowa's Next Top Wannabe Gangsta.
He's somebody's spankerchief brought to life, wearing the bits of dirty laundry it was stuck to.
And now with that appetizing image in mind, the press scrum is breaking for lunch! Do avoid Gaston's potato salad, it's been sitting out in the sun all day.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
And our final question goes to Ashley Chase of Digital Spy.
ASHLEY CHASE
My question is for Legion, I mean Jack, sorry.
JACK MOREAU
It’s okay. I understand it’ll take a bit to get used to.
ASHLEY CHASE
Now that you’ve beaten Luther, you can now set your sights on Ignis. You have previously stated that she will be the biggest test of your career. Obviously you are both popular with the fans. Does that make it harder to prepare for a match against someone who you have all that respect for?
JACK MOREAU
Not at all. I mean, I get it. People want to see two wrestlers have legit hate for one another because, in their minds, they think it translates to a better match. Maybe sometimes that’s true. I think Luther and I had a great match. It didn’t go quite as I planned but I won. I beat him and now I get to face off against someone who I admire as a wrestler. I don’t know Ignis well enough to have any animosity for her but that doesn’t mean I’ll hold back.
I know that to beat her at Apotheosis I’m going to have to bring everything I got. I will have to hurt her because she will keep getting up until she can’t anymore. That’s what it will take to win at the season finale and go into season 2 as the standard bearer for this company.
If anyone thinks my respect for Ignis will adversely affect my performance in the match, I completely disagree. My respect for Ignis will actually make me be the meanest son of a bitch I can be, because I know that anything short of my absolute best will not be enough to keep this belt in my possession.
LARRY GOWAN
Okay, everyone. Thank you for calling in for our first ever media scrum. We plan to do these every other Saturday between events. Remember that this coming Revolution will be our go home show prior to Apotheosis. It will feature the contract signing between Jack Moreau and Ignis for the UPRISING championship and in the main event Griffin Hawkins will challenge the Silver State champion Gaston Gillet. I’ll see everyone at Revolution 18.
Empress Kalinda, last Wednesday you and your magnificent tag team partner, Regan Voorhees, invaded UPRISING's working partner, OneWrestleMovement, interrupting a match that somebody else already interrupted, despite you having claimed the slot on VillainsOnly in the proper fashion for doing dastardly deeds of supervillainy. Can you explain your reasoning for bringing a sense of momentary wonder and delight in a promotion that is not UPRISING?
KALINDA
Thank you, Steve, putting the log-in credentials to real use. RingsideNews is not a legitimate wrestling press organization and should not be treated as such. Please set fire to the notecard with the log-in information I stole from Ringside and gave to you once the event is done so that this oversight is corrected once and for all.
ANYWAY! Now that UPRISING has a working relationship with OWM Regan and I figured that we'd go and give a surprise hello to Swine Flew OG member Matt Knox. But as you mentioned, some frowny-faced biscuits had already went and ruined the match that we were planning to already ruin.
So we just brawled with everybody instead, including Knox's partner. Because Hatchetts are clearly a form of axe, and what is an axe anyway but an indecisive hammer that has delusions of being a sword, or a sword that has perverse ambitions to become more hammer-like.
Regan and I have clear feelings on the matter of axes that can be summed up with this scientific-type diagram:
Axes are for the peasantry, serial killers, and peasants who are also serial killers. So clearly we did Knox a favor.
Everybody wins because someone interfered in that match. Two teams that would've had it count as a loss have it as a win, Regulators Inc get to continue to whine and bitch about being pushed aside and overshadowed by other tag teams, the fans in attendance and watching at home got to see a spectacular entrance that shows what they're missing by not watching UPRISING, and UPRISING has several tag teams that are assuredly going to be out for revenge.
Which means that UPRISING's fans can look forward to matches taking place with tag teams that are not piles of bodily waste pretending to be rich people or disgusting, deluded uromancers.
It's an unfortunate fact of life that most UPRISING tag team take a look at the impossible task that is dethroning the longest reigning champions in UPRISING history, and instead of competing as proper tag teams result in performing dark and blasphemous rituals to conjure up a third member to enter the Trios division rather than risk facing the combined wrath of Regan and myself.
I refuse to believe that Nico Pazzini is a real human being and not a golem that Ricky Rhodes crafted from the contents of the dumpsters they filled after they filmed Des Moines, Iowa's Next Top Wannabe Gangsta.
He's somebody's spankerchief brought to life, wearing the bits of dirty laundry it was stuck to.
And now with that appetizing image in mind, the press scrum is breaking for lunch! Do avoid Gaston's potato salad, it's been sitting out in the sun all day.
MARK BISHOP (O.S.)
And our final question goes to Ashley Chase of Digital Spy.
ASHLEY CHASE
My question is for Legion, I mean Jack, sorry.
JACK MOREAU
It’s okay. I understand it’ll take a bit to get used to.
ASHLEY CHASE
Now that you’ve beaten Luther, you can now set your sights on Ignis. You have previously stated that she will be the biggest test of your career. Obviously you are both popular with the fans. Does that make it harder to prepare for a match against someone who you have all that respect for?
JACK MOREAU
Not at all. I mean, I get it. People want to see two wrestlers have legit hate for one another because, in their minds, they think it translates to a better match. Maybe sometimes that’s true. I think Luther and I had a great match. It didn’t go quite as I planned but I won. I beat him and now I get to face off against someone who I admire as a wrestler. I don’t know Ignis well enough to have any animosity for her but that doesn’t mean I’ll hold back.
I know that to beat her at Apotheosis I’m going to have to bring everything I got. I will have to hurt her because she will keep getting up until she can’t anymore. That’s what it will take to win at the season finale and go into season 2 as the standard bearer for this company.
If anyone thinks my respect for Ignis will adversely affect my performance in the match, I completely disagree. My respect for Ignis will actually make me be the meanest son of a bitch I can be, because I know that anything short of my absolute best will not be enough to keep this belt in my possession.
LARRY GOWAN
Okay, everyone. Thank you for calling in for our first ever media scrum. We plan to do these every other Saturday between events. Remember that this coming Revolution will be our go home show prior to Apotheosis. It will feature the contract signing between Jack Moreau and Ignis for the UPRISING championship and in the main event Griffin Hawkins will challenge the Silver State champion Gaston Gillet. I’ll see everyone at Revolution 18.
END BROADCAST.