Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2021 12:46:48 GMT -5
((Off Camera))
Reno Nevada.
April 1st 2021
It may have been first of April but the always cool and calm man known as Jeeves was not in the mood to laugh or joke, you could tell how distraught the elder statesman of the collective known a The Crush was, since he had actually taken off his cufflinks and rolled his sleeves to expose his wrists. For most people it would not have seemed like much for anyone who knew this manservant of Stacey, they knew how bad things were..
Bobby: “My god Jeeves, you look like crap, is the situation really this bad?”
The older man looked at the West London brawler.
Jeeves: Robert my son, the situation isn’t bad, it’s dire borderline Brexit if you ask me..
Bobby: Bloody Hell man, you don’t mean we gonna..I mean are you gonna, you aren’t saying your gonna..are ya?
Jeeves nodded.
Jeeves: Quite.
He pulls out his fashionable yet older model of smartphone, picking a speed dial.
Jeeves: Fetch the ladies will ya Robert, I want them to hear this.
With cold sweat trailing down his spine Robert Farage went to bring in Lollipop, Caramel and Heidi right on cue when Jeeves spoke up.
Jeeves: Yes, I know what we agreed on ma’m but I am afraid the situation calls for some drastic measures and that is why I reached out to you, yes, they are just here let me put you on speaker.
He taps a button and places the phone on the table first thing we hear is a screeching scream.
??: WHAT IN THE BAD DYE JOB OF BORIS JOHNSON’S MESSED UP WIG ARE YOU STUPID COWS DOING THERE?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DOMINATE, DECIMATE AND COMPLETELY DETHRONE ANY AND ALL OPPOSITION! ANY EXCUSES?
All three women responded in unison.
Crush: Sorry Stace.
Stacey: Sorry NOTHING! We’re here to make MONEY!
Lollipop: HEY! We got the Steeles damn good last week!
Stacey: YOU GOT IN A FIGHT AND IT WAS RULED A NO CONTEST! YOU KNOW WHAT RETURNS THEY PAY ON A TWO GRAND CRUSH WIN BET ON A NO CONTEST?!
Heidi: Um... evens returns?
Stacey: NO! FUCK ALL! Not only that, you went into that tag tournament as number one seeds, and crashed out in the first round to a couple of emo fucking wannabe BINTS! They’re laughing at you here on the Strip! I can’t go in Rainbow for fear of being laughed out the joint..
Caramel: Stace, I’m sure it isn’t THAT ba--
Stacey: SPIRIT OF LEMMY KILMISTER IS DISSAPOINTED IN YOU CARRIE THERESA CANE!
Caramel: Full name and Lemmy..harsh man.
Lollipop: She means business, doesn’t she?
Caramel: Gee, you think?
Heidi: Well I THINK SO:
Stacey: WHERE WAS ALL THIS BRAIN POWER IN YOUR LAST MATCH?! HUH?! IT’S OFFICIAL. I HATE TO DO THIS SHITE BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
Heidi: Oh shoes..
Lollipop: Oh crap.
Caramel: Holy crap on new shoes man..
Stacey: if you hags lose this next match, I have no choice but, to call in all of your outstanding bartabs!
Caramel: JESUS FUCK!!!
Bobby: Hey, even me?
Stacey: ESPECIALLY YOU!
Bobby: That’s not fair, I don’t even wrestle the damn matches!
Stacey: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Mr. Farage! This is YOUR LAST WARNING. You beat the Gemstones. Or bartabs over the past eight years will be due. And I’ll be coming to collect them... IN PERSON!!!
The phone clicked off, and there was silence for a few moments.
Lollipop: ....
Caramel: ......
Heidi: ......
Jeeves: So as I said....
He didn’t have the heart to finish. Grumbling Caramel reached for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Heidi: Really? NOW?
Caramel: I need medicinal therapy.
Heidi: LOOK. I was just thinking.... Maybe if we knocked the drinking on the head for a few days, go into the match fresh... maybe we can actually go out there and dominate these clowns. Fresh mind, fresh approach? What’s the worst that can happen?
Carrie & Lollipop looked at each other, then back to Heidi responding in unison.
C&L: FUCK NO.
Heidi sighs.
Heidi: Robert... chicken. NOW.
Bobby: You want fries and BBQ sauce with that or--
Heidi: GO. NOW!
Bobby: Look I’m just asking since last time they only had fajitas sauce and.
Jeeves, the man with one expression for all moods: lack of one. Looked up at the younger man.
Jeeves: Robert, fetch the lady some chicken, the best kind, on my tab..and do it..
Bobby: Sharpish?
Jeeves: Quite.
Robert Farage exits to his chicken Quest and Heidi snatches the bottle of Jack from Carrie.
Caramel: OI!
The texan glares at her.
Heidi: Fucking try me and I’ll snap you like a twig.
Lollipop: You know how she’ll do it too. Heidi’s not nice when she’s hungry..
Caramel: I can’t believe I’m going cold turkey just so my friend could get some chicken.
Heidi: LISTEN. Stacey’s right. We need to get fucking serious here. They’re led by Kate Steele. KATE STEELE. THE INFAMOUS GAME CHANGER. The reason renowned movie star Ryan Sheffield changed his name, because he didn’t wanna be associated with HER. THAT KATE STEELE. I’m not losing to Kate Steele and her chums.
Caramel: .........But if we do lose, you’ll protect us from Stace, right?
Heidi: .........if we do lose, we’re fucking fugitives. Every woman for herself. Right Jeeves?
Jeeves: ....If you lose... may I suggest not doing that.
Lollipop: Because if we do, we’re fucked, right?
Jeeves nods.
Jeeves: Quite.
(On Camera)
The scene opens in the Crush’s penthouse suite. Notably, the customary alcoholic drinks are absent from their hands. Carrie seems agitated. Heidi somewhat somber. Which means...
LOLLIPOP
What up blokes and bitches! It’s your girl, Lolly here, and let me tell you what... the Crush are coming into Inferno in a BAD FUCKING MOOD. I know, you all look up to use for your dose of drunken adolescent chaos, but following getting royally narked off by the Gemstones a little over a week ago... we’re not here to party. We’re not here to laugh and have a good time. We’re here to punch some bints in the face. Gemstones... you call yourselves a band? You have the musical inclination and talent of the Dropkick Murphys on morphine. You’re terrible. And what’s more, with all your rule breaking and chicanery and starting fights... you’re kinda cramping on our intellectual property. Put simply, Alvin & the Chipmunks... this company isn’t big enough for your shit and our shit; so we’re just gonna put down the Jack & cokes for a hot minute. We’re getting real fucking serious, because we don’t like your music, we don’t like your faces, and we don’t like you ripping off our fucking shit. So I’m making this clear Gemstones, this is a declaration of war.
CARAMEL CANE
You know what that means? THIS MEANS WAR!
LOLLIPOP
I... what the hell?
CARAMEL CANE
It does! It means all of the war. Like Napoleon got the elbow, like Genghis broke the walls, like... like... Churchill. Car insurance? OH YES.
LOLLIPOP
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HEIDI AUSTIN
I think being sober has scrambled her brain.
Caramel pouts.
CARAMEL CANE
Fine. You talk then, fatty.
Heidi glares at Carrie before continuing.
HEIDI AUSTIN
Look. Kate... Diamond, whatever you go by. You know, I really don’t wanna pick on you. Sure people have made you a figure of fun in your career, and lord knows I know what that feels like. For me, people made fun of my weight. For you, it was the whole looking like a twelve year old boy thing.
LOLLIPOP
Well she does. Even now, at age 32 or whatever.
HEIDI AUSTIN
She can’t help it. So yes Kate, I wanna cut you some slack. I want to give you some credit. But... OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN ANNOYING. SO. GOD. DAMN. ANNOYING.
LOLLIPOP
Yeah, she’s like one of those kids you hear gets bullied at school, and you feel bad for her, then you meet her and you just totally understand and side with the bullies.
CARAMEL CANE
Regular coke tastes like shit....
The other two choose to ignore Carrie and carry on.
LOLLIPOP
As for the rest of your Mötley Crüe...
HEIDI AUSTIN
An equally shit band to the Gemstones...
LOLLIPOP
....Quite. Hell, even Nikki Sixxx wouldn’t pork them bitches. But yeah, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Topaz, Ebony who the fuck ever else wants to show up...
CARAMEL CANE
They’re all named after Pokémon games.
Heidi & Lollipop look to Caramel.
H&L
Shut up Carrie.
CARAMEL CANE
I CAN’T FUNCTION IN THIS CRUEL WORLD!!!
She starts rocking back and forth, hugging herself and quietly singing Whorehouse Blues.
HEIDI AUSTIN
...........Yeah, we’re gonna kick your asses.
LOLLIPOP
So consider this your final gig, no reunion tours for Gemstones. The Crush is coming, and we’re crushing Diamond and her pals so hard, they’ll turn BACK into coal!
HEIDI AUSTIN
EY-OOOOO!
CARAMEL CANE
..............I can’t feel my legs.... ow...
On which note we fade to black.
Reno Nevada.
April 1st 2021
It may have been first of April but the always cool and calm man known as Jeeves was not in the mood to laugh or joke, you could tell how distraught the elder statesman of the collective known a The Crush was, since he had actually taken off his cufflinks and rolled his sleeves to expose his wrists. For most people it would not have seemed like much for anyone who knew this manservant of Stacey, they knew how bad things were..
Bobby: “My god Jeeves, you look like crap, is the situation really this bad?”
The older man looked at the West London brawler.
Jeeves: Robert my son, the situation isn’t bad, it’s dire borderline Brexit if you ask me..
Bobby: Bloody Hell man, you don’t mean we gonna..I mean are you gonna, you aren’t saying your gonna..are ya?
Jeeves nodded.
Jeeves: Quite.
He pulls out his fashionable yet older model of smartphone, picking a speed dial.
Jeeves: Fetch the ladies will ya Robert, I want them to hear this.
With cold sweat trailing down his spine Robert Farage went to bring in Lollipop, Caramel and Heidi right on cue when Jeeves spoke up.
Jeeves: Yes, I know what we agreed on ma’m but I am afraid the situation calls for some drastic measures and that is why I reached out to you, yes, they are just here let me put you on speaker.
He taps a button and places the phone on the table first thing we hear is a screeching scream.
??: WHAT IN THE BAD DYE JOB OF BORIS JOHNSON’S MESSED UP WIG ARE YOU STUPID COWS DOING THERE?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DOMINATE, DECIMATE AND COMPLETELY DETHRONE ANY AND ALL OPPOSITION! ANY EXCUSES?
All three women responded in unison.
Crush: Sorry Stace.
Stacey: Sorry NOTHING! We’re here to make MONEY!
Lollipop: HEY! We got the Steeles damn good last week!
Stacey: YOU GOT IN A FIGHT AND IT WAS RULED A NO CONTEST! YOU KNOW WHAT RETURNS THEY PAY ON A TWO GRAND CRUSH WIN BET ON A NO CONTEST?!
Heidi: Um... evens returns?
Stacey: NO! FUCK ALL! Not only that, you went into that tag tournament as number one seeds, and crashed out in the first round to a couple of emo fucking wannabe BINTS! They’re laughing at you here on the Strip! I can’t go in Rainbow for fear of being laughed out the joint..
Caramel: Stace, I’m sure it isn’t THAT ba--
Stacey: SPIRIT OF LEMMY KILMISTER IS DISSAPOINTED IN YOU CARRIE THERESA CANE!
Caramel: Full name and Lemmy..harsh man.
Lollipop: She means business, doesn’t she?
Caramel: Gee, you think?
Heidi: Well I THINK SO:
Stacey: WHERE WAS ALL THIS BRAIN POWER IN YOUR LAST MATCH?! HUH?! IT’S OFFICIAL. I HATE TO DO THIS SHITE BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
Heidi: Oh shoes..
Lollipop: Oh crap.
Caramel: Holy crap on new shoes man..
Stacey: if you hags lose this next match, I have no choice but, to call in all of your outstanding bartabs!
Caramel: JESUS FUCK!!!
Bobby: Hey, even me?
Stacey: ESPECIALLY YOU!
Bobby: That’s not fair, I don’t even wrestle the damn matches!
Stacey: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Mr. Farage! This is YOUR LAST WARNING. You beat the Gemstones. Or bartabs over the past eight years will be due. And I’ll be coming to collect them... IN PERSON!!!
The phone clicked off, and there was silence for a few moments.
Lollipop: ....
Caramel: ......
Heidi: ......
Jeeves: So as I said....
He didn’t have the heart to finish. Grumbling Caramel reached for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Heidi: Really? NOW?
Caramel: I need medicinal therapy.
Heidi: LOOK. I was just thinking.... Maybe if we knocked the drinking on the head for a few days, go into the match fresh... maybe we can actually go out there and dominate these clowns. Fresh mind, fresh approach? What’s the worst that can happen?
Carrie & Lollipop looked at each other, then back to Heidi responding in unison.
C&L: FUCK NO.
Heidi sighs.
Heidi: Robert... chicken. NOW.
Bobby: You want fries and BBQ sauce with that or--
Heidi: GO. NOW!
Bobby: Look I’m just asking since last time they only had fajitas sauce and.
Jeeves, the man with one expression for all moods: lack of one. Looked up at the younger man.
Jeeves: Robert, fetch the lady some chicken, the best kind, on my tab..and do it..
Bobby: Sharpish?
Jeeves: Quite.
Robert Farage exits to his chicken Quest and Heidi snatches the bottle of Jack from Carrie.
Caramel: OI!
The texan glares at her.
Heidi: Fucking try me and I’ll snap you like a twig.
Lollipop: You know how she’ll do it too. Heidi’s not nice when she’s hungry..
Caramel: I can’t believe I’m going cold turkey just so my friend could get some chicken.
Heidi: LISTEN. Stacey’s right. We need to get fucking serious here. They’re led by Kate Steele. KATE STEELE. THE INFAMOUS GAME CHANGER. The reason renowned movie star Ryan Sheffield changed his name, because he didn’t wanna be associated with HER. THAT KATE STEELE. I’m not losing to Kate Steele and her chums.
Caramel: .........But if we do lose, you’ll protect us from Stace, right?
Heidi: .........if we do lose, we’re fucking fugitives. Every woman for herself. Right Jeeves?
Jeeves: ....If you lose... may I suggest not doing that.
Lollipop: Because if we do, we’re fucked, right?
Jeeves nods.
Jeeves: Quite.
(On Camera)
The scene opens in the Crush’s penthouse suite. Notably, the customary alcoholic drinks are absent from their hands. Carrie seems agitated. Heidi somewhat somber. Which means...
LOLLIPOP
What up blokes and bitches! It’s your girl, Lolly here, and let me tell you what... the Crush are coming into Inferno in a BAD FUCKING MOOD. I know, you all look up to use for your dose of drunken adolescent chaos, but following getting royally narked off by the Gemstones a little over a week ago... we’re not here to party. We’re not here to laugh and have a good time. We’re here to punch some bints in the face. Gemstones... you call yourselves a band? You have the musical inclination and talent of the Dropkick Murphys on morphine. You’re terrible. And what’s more, with all your rule breaking and chicanery and starting fights... you’re kinda cramping on our intellectual property. Put simply, Alvin & the Chipmunks... this company isn’t big enough for your shit and our shit; so we’re just gonna put down the Jack & cokes for a hot minute. We’re getting real fucking serious, because we don’t like your music, we don’t like your faces, and we don’t like you ripping off our fucking shit. So I’m making this clear Gemstones, this is a declaration of war.
CARAMEL CANE
You know what that means? THIS MEANS WAR!
LOLLIPOP
I... what the hell?
CARAMEL CANE
It does! It means all of the war. Like Napoleon got the elbow, like Genghis broke the walls, like... like... Churchill. Car insurance? OH YES.
LOLLIPOP
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HEIDI AUSTIN
I think being sober has scrambled her brain.
Caramel pouts.
CARAMEL CANE
Fine. You talk then, fatty.
Heidi glares at Carrie before continuing.
HEIDI AUSTIN
Look. Kate... Diamond, whatever you go by. You know, I really don’t wanna pick on you. Sure people have made you a figure of fun in your career, and lord knows I know what that feels like. For me, people made fun of my weight. For you, it was the whole looking like a twelve year old boy thing.
LOLLIPOP
Well she does. Even now, at age 32 or whatever.
HEIDI AUSTIN
She can’t help it. So yes Kate, I wanna cut you some slack. I want to give you some credit. But... OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN ANNOYING. SO. GOD. DAMN. ANNOYING.
LOLLIPOP
Yeah, she’s like one of those kids you hear gets bullied at school, and you feel bad for her, then you meet her and you just totally understand and side with the bullies.
CARAMEL CANE
Regular coke tastes like shit....
The other two choose to ignore Carrie and carry on.
LOLLIPOP
As for the rest of your Mötley Crüe...
HEIDI AUSTIN
An equally shit band to the Gemstones...
LOLLIPOP
....Quite. Hell, even Nikki Sixxx wouldn’t pork them bitches. But yeah, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Topaz, Ebony who the fuck ever else wants to show up...
CARAMEL CANE
They’re all named after Pokémon games.
Heidi & Lollipop look to Caramel.
H&L
Shut up Carrie.
CARAMEL CANE
I CAN’T FUNCTION IN THIS CRUEL WORLD!!!
She starts rocking back and forth, hugging herself and quietly singing Whorehouse Blues.
HEIDI AUSTIN
...........Yeah, we’re gonna kick your asses.
LOLLIPOP
So consider this your final gig, no reunion tours for Gemstones. The Crush is coming, and we’re crushing Diamond and her pals so hard, they’ll turn BACK into coal!
HEIDI AUSTIN
EY-OOOOO!
CARAMEL CANE
..............I can’t feel my legs.... ow...
On which note we fade to black.