Post by UPRISING NEWS on Feb 21, 2021 2:34:14 GMT -5
Voiceover
The following is a paid message by Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated. Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated; Working together to bring the downfall of the Light.
The seven note melody that has accompanied Kalinda Kriegsdottir's segments sounds, but this time not as a haunting whistle but as a suspiciously happy and friendly assortment of instruments resembling a commercial jingle. A series of images appears on the screen, not spaced with a flash of static, but with a pleasant clicking noise and a transition reminiscent of an old-timey slide player.
A landfill. Click. A power plant spewing out pollution. Click. An abandoned pit mine, rusting equipment abandoned sitting amidst puddles of discolored water. Click. A rapid series of images showing a bounty of crops rotting in the fields. Click, click, click, click, click.
Now a space shot of dawn breaking over planet Earth.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
Yours is a dying world. Evil men and women doing evil things in pursuit of the almighty dollar. Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated, Terran Expansion Services Division asks you how much longer you're going to settle for the lesser evil.
Kalinda appears, dressed in a bright white suit and skirt with a pink undershirt, a red tie, and her usual skeletal gauntlet and elbow skull with a ribbon on the horn has been joined with a dragon skull pauldron. She's smiling, showing off too many brilliantly white teeth, and is steepling her fingers.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
Because we here at Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated don't want your money. We don't want your patronage. We don't want to sell you anything. We don't even want your souls, though that would be nice.
All we need is bodies.
Some video of several skeletons working on an assembly line can be seen.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
Undead workers don't need food, they don't need water, they don't need sleep, they don't need to breathe. They'll never need a day off, they'll never ask for a raise, they'll never complain.
An undead servitor is the perfect employee.
A single skeletal hamster runs on a wheel at top speed, endlessly, tirelessly. The camera pulls back to reveal two, ten, a hundred such set ups.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
The undead will never tire, repeating the tasks you set them to repeatedly, endlessly. And when they're done they will stop, stand still, and wait for the tasks to resume or to be given new instructions.
A shot of a family at a restaurant being handed menus by a skeletal waiter. A shot of a skeleton in a polo shirt bagging up groceries. A shot of a skeleton in a set of coveralls mopping a floor.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
We here at Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated don't care about you, we don't care about your lives, we don't care about your families. The only thing that matters to us is that you sign over the rights to your corpse when you die so that your mortal remains can be reanimated as a member of our workforce of darkness.
A slow panning shot of skeletal workers in a field, picking tomatoes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
That doesn't mean that you're not a valuable resource. Strong, healthy, happy people leave behind strong, healthy, happy bones to make strong, healthy, happy skeletons.
You deserve food. You deserve clean water. You deserve a home. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be happy.
Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated is interested in ensuring that you have all of these things.
Back to Kalinda, whose eyes are glowing red.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
You can receive all these things and spit in the eye of your world's absentee gods and the natural order while doing it.
Not only are we accepting positions for Eventual Skeleton Drones, but we're also offering apprenticeships in the dark arts of necromancy, making dark pacts with blasphemous powers, summoning abhorrent beings for fun and profits, and also classes in economics.
Yes, you will be just another cog in the machine, but you can rest in comfort knowing that it's the blood of our mutual enemies that will grease the wheels of our unholy hellmachine crafted of bone and iron.
Corporations are legal persons, and yet being bodiless they cannot be murdered, which means that feasting upon their flesh is a victimless crime.
Stock footage of a shambling zombie horde.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
You have probably heard the phrase "eat the rich" before, and have always wondered how.
As a minion in my army of darkness we will give you on-the-job training on exactly how to locate the most prime chunks of corporate flesh, harvest, and devour them for our own mutual benefit. Allowing you to serve as a member of the ravenous dead in a purely metaphorical sense while retaining all the benefits of still being alive in the process.
You're all going to die eventually, and here at Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated it doesn't matter if that day is today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or a hundred years down the road.
The dead will be made to serve the living, and with 15 dead people for every living human on the planet you could easily be living a life of luxury as an Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated Certified Minion.
The sun has set in the shiny, cheery office and everything is lit by the crimson glow of Kalinda's eyes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
And in the off-chance you do want to sell your soul, we have several positions as sentient undead available in both corporeal and incorporeal capacities.
You no longer have to serve at the whim of the lesser evils out there when you can while away the decades and centuries as an unholy perversion of the natural order.
Your world is dying. Your society is rotting from within. Your infrastructure is collapsing all around you.
All that it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing, and all the good men have gleefully sat on their thumbs and spun merrily around while evil triumphed.
You already suffer at the hands of a cold, impersonal distant evil who sees you as nothing more than numbers on a page, just another corporate drone made to suffer the slings and arrows of management.
We here at Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated do not care about you, which is why we are perfectly content to assure that you can live life to its fullest since your eventual end is certain.
As a certified minion you will have access to all the newest cutting edge magical technologies at our disposal, all crafted from ethically sourced, renewable materials with clean energy, and empowered with the purest mana fuelled by human misery.
A shot of children chasing a puppy through a field.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
That's right! In burning misery in a complex arcane procedure involving technology derived from examining the organs of lust-feeding wicked succubi and also several politicians and bloviating members of the media, we here at Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated are fueling our wicked contraptions, blasphemous rites, and computers running our proprietary operating system with condensed suffering.
Since we first turned out our very first Suffering Reactor, the divorce rates in the greater tri-state area have dropped three percent.
A shot of a happy couple having a picnic, and then back to Kalinda, whose eye glow begins to brighten as her draconic fire begins to ignite in the back of her throat as she speaks.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
If you're going to have to serve a heartless corporation who seeks to destroy everything that is holy, shouldn't you at least join the one that is going to let you command your own Legion of the Damned during the End of Days, fighting against Jeff Bezos and his Amazon Robot Drone Army?
Don't you want to be the unholy monstrosity that steps through the portal from hell powered by infernal machinery, invading Elon Musk's Martian Dome Cities, rending the flesh of his bootlicking mercenary armies with your talons?
Or would to rather be the lifetime indentured servants, huddled for warmth around your radioisotopic heaters, irradiating your genitals as you use up your allotted oxygen ration and are forced to return your paycheck to the company store in order to continue breathing?
There will be no more pain.
There will be no more suffering.
We will be the vengeful dead who slaughter the wicked for their vile deeds, and some day with your help we will be able to turn this metaphor into a reality.
They took the world away, my minions.
Now let us kill the world they stole from us.
Kalinda unleashes a gout of hellfire, filling the screen. The image burns away showing a website, several social media accounts, and even a toll-free number on how one could find out more about Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated and minioning opportunities.
Voiceover
The preceding was a paid message by Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated. Applied Necrotechnologies Incorporated; We will all feast upon the fallen corpse of the world together!