Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2021 1:56:32 GMT -5
(On cam...d'uh)
We come in on Matt Stone sitting in what we can only presume is a hotel room. Matt’s room isn’t a mess, there aren’t signs of anger or frustration in the form of property damage like a child may have done, there is just an eerie calmness to his demeanor. In fact, in Stone’s right hand is a glass of Sherry, slowly swirling it around in the leading moments before he opens his mouth.
Matt Stone:
Coronation didn’t go how I would have liked. We can all agree on that and there really isn’t any reason to dwell on it, is there? Sure you can mock my lack of victory against what many called under performing talents but the fact remains that heading in I had a twenty percent chance of winning. Any fourth grader worth his peanut butter and jelly could have told you that, but somehow me coming up short is worse than what my opponent at this upcoming show did. We’ll get to him in a second, but first I’d like to address the controversy that’s been talked about by a few people. Is that dwelling? I’ve never really been certain on what that means but alas, I digress. Am I using that right? Who knows.
Matt takes a sip of his drink, enjoying the smooth brandy for a moment before continuing.
Matt Stone:
Now I have to be perfectly honest with you all, I didn’t go back and watch the show that night. I didn’t watch it the next day, either, I had the Super Bowl to watch but come Monday I wet back and reviewed the tapes. Now people like Knox and Jackson have been saying there was a screw job or there needs to be an asterisk placed beside the match because the referees may have blown the call. I can’t say for sure whether I should have rightfully won the match or not but I can say that it doesn’t matter. It’s unimportant. The only way Ignis was going to get a shot at the Uprising championship was in an environment where flukes can happen. I shouldn’t have let it be that close, that’s on me and I’ll own it but I can win a title opportunity any number of ways. I’m not worried about myself, I’m good enough to get back there and I think my record reflects that. Ignis should just consider herself hashtag blessed to be in that position and I wish her luck, truly. I think Luther is going to eat her alive, but if she can fluke out another win? Great! Easier road at the top for me, but I’m not about to march outside Jackson’s office with picket signs demanding that the match be thrown out. The injustice that may or may not have befallen me? I’m going to pay it forward.
That brings me to Tom Brady. Who boy, what a showing he put up on Sunday, right? At the age of forty three the man was at the top of his game and delivered three first half touchdowns that put that game out of reach. It was incredible. The younger, stronger, faster Patrick Mahomes was humbled by the swarming Buc defense and Tom Brady, the old, immobile grizzled veteran dominated and showed the world that age is just a number and that if you put your mind to it, dedicate yourself you can show up someone twenty years your junior. You know who didn’t do that, though? Don Tirri.
A slight smirk spreads across Stone’s face as he tips his glass towards the camera.
Matt Stone:
Got’em. I realize it’s a false equivalency comparing Brady to Tirrir. Brady has a team around him that helps elevate him and Tirri has...well no one. Now that sounds harsh, but it’s not meant to. I don’t have anyone either, it’s not a big deal other than to show you that when you get up there, doing stuff on your own isn’t that easy anymore. Tirri spent last week all but guaranteeing that he was going to win the Uprising championship, I even thought it was in his Twitter bio for a second but I could be wrong. The point is he was so sure of what he was going to do, so focused on his own goals that he failed to realize what Luther was capable of. I tried to tell him and he chalked me up as a Luther stan and dismissed me like a teacher wanting an extra five minutes of lunch. I didn’t look beyond Luther and while you would think I’d be upset today over not winning, I’m instead quite pleased at your loss. Not because you deserved it mind you, I mean you did, no question, but because we’re in Reno and I placed a rather substantial bet on Luther. You’d think I’d bet on myself, and I have been in the matches I had more control over but at Coronation, I knew Luther would win. I had a vision, I prayed on it, lucky guess, whatever nonsense you believe in I had it and it all told me that you just don’t have it anymore.
A final sip polishes off the beverage.
Matt Stone:
But now we get into what he had to say about me. I got your message Don, your cry for attention that appeared in my mentions this morning and I had to laugh. I wasn’t even going to record this honestly but it was just too perfect, this whole time you’ve been saying I’m a mini me of you. You’ve been holding onto this narrative like it’s the most clever thing you’ve ever thought of and yet you record yourself telling people to shut you up? Are you having a laugh? Stealing my catchphrase isn’t witty, it’s evidence of just how little originality you have. You were full of cliches in your video, saying you’re a brand new man, you’ve changed. It’s not personal, it’s business. You said Matty so many times I began to worry for Ashley Tisdale’s life. You won’t get that reference but that’s fine, the point remains that you’re a walking monument to the 90’s all the way down to the medium you choose to communicate with. These little videos were a big hit twenty years ago, weren’t they? You actually mocked me for being on Twitter a lot but I’m up with the times. You think people want to go to a website, scroll down, press play on a video and wait for it to buffer? No, they want to open their app and boom! What I think about you is right there, no hassle. Short little burst of information that tells them all they need to know.
Now that being said, I don’t mind doing these, Lord knows I’ve got a lot to say morning, noon and night but if you want to trash me the least you can do is try. You know the old saying of the monkeys on the typewriters? Well they not only could have written what you had to say, they could have topped it. At the very least it would have been unique. I don’t want to drone on and on so I’ll hit you with the bullet points. You’re not more dangerous than ever, you’re more vulnerable than ever. That chip on your shoulder is because you’ve been drinking so much you missed your mouth. It behooves you that you don’t care about a win or a loss. I know the permutations of a match result, you don’t need to run down them one by one like I’m the son you’ve ignored their whole life. Saying it’s not personal and then in the next bloody sentence saying I’m a pest on Twitter makes it personal. I could go on, we all know you did but I think I’ve proved my point. Your inane ramblings aside Don, Revolution 6 is going to be a happening, and it’s going to be important television for many reasons. Luther will be giving his speech about how he told you and everyone else so, the tag team tournament will be underway and in the main event? I’m stepping into the ring, the place that you call your yard because originality has never been an arrow in your quiver and I’m going to get my ass kicked. I know this, I’m willing to accept this as a fact. You want to take all your frustrations out on me - despite this being business and clearly not an emotional response to coming up shorter than Clark Middleton may he rest in peace - and I get that. I’m in for a fight and I’m not here to deny that, you can throw hands with the best of them and I’ve taken a beating each and every time I’ve stepped into an Uprising ring. Nothing has come easy for me but what has come is wins. One on one, I’m untouchable. I’ll wear you down. I’ll beat you down. I’ll out wrestle, outlast or outsmart you, that’s who I am. I run my mouth a lot, that’s not news, but what does seem to be a headline you’ve missed is that I’m just as lethal inside that ring as I am out. Don’t let one incident that may or may not have gone my way cloud you from seeing that I’m at the top of my game. I didn’t miss the tournament finals because I was knocked out Don, I wasn’t in the tournament from the get start. You thinking I’m below you on the totem pole and thus will just roll over is a trap Don. I may not be able to take you out of Uprising, but what I can do, and will do, is take you out of the main event spotlight. I’ve already been there and now that you’re not in title contention, now that you’ve fallen from grace I can only tell you that a loss to me is it for you. Kalinda, Reagan, Sativa or hell, even Chris Mosh would love to see you in a match but me? I’m above you. I was seven years when we stepped into the ring for the first time and I still am.
Stone puts the glass down on the table and sits up, getting closer to the lens.
Matt Stone:
It’s been a minute since I made one of these and this is where I’d say if you don’t like what I’m saying you have one option, but you’ve sorta already used my sign off, didn’t you? I could use your catchphrase but “I’ll recover from this devastating loss” doesn’t really have that succinct ring to it that I enjoy. So instead I’m just going to circle back to what I was saying earlier. Doubting me is a trap Don, but since you’ve proven that you like walking into traps like a rogue who took no ranks in perception, there’s only one thing left for you to do. Catch the football, Willie.
With that, the camera cuts to black as a voice over from Wicker Man plays: Nicolas Cage screaming about the bees.
We come in on Matt Stone sitting in what we can only presume is a hotel room. Matt’s room isn’t a mess, there aren’t signs of anger or frustration in the form of property damage like a child may have done, there is just an eerie calmness to his demeanor. In fact, in Stone’s right hand is a glass of Sherry, slowly swirling it around in the leading moments before he opens his mouth.
Matt Stone:
Coronation didn’t go how I would have liked. We can all agree on that and there really isn’t any reason to dwell on it, is there? Sure you can mock my lack of victory against what many called under performing talents but the fact remains that heading in I had a twenty percent chance of winning. Any fourth grader worth his peanut butter and jelly could have told you that, but somehow me coming up short is worse than what my opponent at this upcoming show did. We’ll get to him in a second, but first I’d like to address the controversy that’s been talked about by a few people. Is that dwelling? I’ve never really been certain on what that means but alas, I digress. Am I using that right? Who knows.
Matt takes a sip of his drink, enjoying the smooth brandy for a moment before continuing.
Matt Stone:
Now I have to be perfectly honest with you all, I didn’t go back and watch the show that night. I didn’t watch it the next day, either, I had the Super Bowl to watch but come Monday I wet back and reviewed the tapes. Now people like Knox and Jackson have been saying there was a screw job or there needs to be an asterisk placed beside the match because the referees may have blown the call. I can’t say for sure whether I should have rightfully won the match or not but I can say that it doesn’t matter. It’s unimportant. The only way Ignis was going to get a shot at the Uprising championship was in an environment where flukes can happen. I shouldn’t have let it be that close, that’s on me and I’ll own it but I can win a title opportunity any number of ways. I’m not worried about myself, I’m good enough to get back there and I think my record reflects that. Ignis should just consider herself hashtag blessed to be in that position and I wish her luck, truly. I think Luther is going to eat her alive, but if she can fluke out another win? Great! Easier road at the top for me, but I’m not about to march outside Jackson’s office with picket signs demanding that the match be thrown out. The injustice that may or may not have befallen me? I’m going to pay it forward.
That brings me to Tom Brady. Who boy, what a showing he put up on Sunday, right? At the age of forty three the man was at the top of his game and delivered three first half touchdowns that put that game out of reach. It was incredible. The younger, stronger, faster Patrick Mahomes was humbled by the swarming Buc defense and Tom Brady, the old, immobile grizzled veteran dominated and showed the world that age is just a number and that if you put your mind to it, dedicate yourself you can show up someone twenty years your junior. You know who didn’t do that, though? Don Tirri.
A slight smirk spreads across Stone’s face as he tips his glass towards the camera.
Matt Stone:
Got’em. I realize it’s a false equivalency comparing Brady to Tirrir. Brady has a team around him that helps elevate him and Tirri has...well no one. Now that sounds harsh, but it’s not meant to. I don’t have anyone either, it’s not a big deal other than to show you that when you get up there, doing stuff on your own isn’t that easy anymore. Tirri spent last week all but guaranteeing that he was going to win the Uprising championship, I even thought it was in his Twitter bio for a second but I could be wrong. The point is he was so sure of what he was going to do, so focused on his own goals that he failed to realize what Luther was capable of. I tried to tell him and he chalked me up as a Luther stan and dismissed me like a teacher wanting an extra five minutes of lunch. I didn’t look beyond Luther and while you would think I’d be upset today over not winning, I’m instead quite pleased at your loss. Not because you deserved it mind you, I mean you did, no question, but because we’re in Reno and I placed a rather substantial bet on Luther. You’d think I’d bet on myself, and I have been in the matches I had more control over but at Coronation, I knew Luther would win. I had a vision, I prayed on it, lucky guess, whatever nonsense you believe in I had it and it all told me that you just don’t have it anymore.
A final sip polishes off the beverage.
Matt Stone:
But now we get into what he had to say about me. I got your message Don, your cry for attention that appeared in my mentions this morning and I had to laugh. I wasn’t even going to record this honestly but it was just too perfect, this whole time you’ve been saying I’m a mini me of you. You’ve been holding onto this narrative like it’s the most clever thing you’ve ever thought of and yet you record yourself telling people to shut you up? Are you having a laugh? Stealing my catchphrase isn’t witty, it’s evidence of just how little originality you have. You were full of cliches in your video, saying you’re a brand new man, you’ve changed. It’s not personal, it’s business. You said Matty so many times I began to worry for Ashley Tisdale’s life. You won’t get that reference but that’s fine, the point remains that you’re a walking monument to the 90’s all the way down to the medium you choose to communicate with. These little videos were a big hit twenty years ago, weren’t they? You actually mocked me for being on Twitter a lot but I’m up with the times. You think people want to go to a website, scroll down, press play on a video and wait for it to buffer? No, they want to open their app and boom! What I think about you is right there, no hassle. Short little burst of information that tells them all they need to know.
Now that being said, I don’t mind doing these, Lord knows I’ve got a lot to say morning, noon and night but if you want to trash me the least you can do is try. You know the old saying of the monkeys on the typewriters? Well they not only could have written what you had to say, they could have topped it. At the very least it would have been unique. I don’t want to drone on and on so I’ll hit you with the bullet points. You’re not more dangerous than ever, you’re more vulnerable than ever. That chip on your shoulder is because you’ve been drinking so much you missed your mouth. It behooves you that you don’t care about a win or a loss. I know the permutations of a match result, you don’t need to run down them one by one like I’m the son you’ve ignored their whole life. Saying it’s not personal and then in the next bloody sentence saying I’m a pest on Twitter makes it personal. I could go on, we all know you did but I think I’ve proved my point. Your inane ramblings aside Don, Revolution 6 is going to be a happening, and it’s going to be important television for many reasons. Luther will be giving his speech about how he told you and everyone else so, the tag team tournament will be underway and in the main event? I’m stepping into the ring, the place that you call your yard because originality has never been an arrow in your quiver and I’m going to get my ass kicked. I know this, I’m willing to accept this as a fact. You want to take all your frustrations out on me - despite this being business and clearly not an emotional response to coming up shorter than Clark Middleton may he rest in peace - and I get that. I’m in for a fight and I’m not here to deny that, you can throw hands with the best of them and I’ve taken a beating each and every time I’ve stepped into an Uprising ring. Nothing has come easy for me but what has come is wins. One on one, I’m untouchable. I’ll wear you down. I’ll beat you down. I’ll out wrestle, outlast or outsmart you, that’s who I am. I run my mouth a lot, that’s not news, but what does seem to be a headline you’ve missed is that I’m just as lethal inside that ring as I am out. Don’t let one incident that may or may not have gone my way cloud you from seeing that I’m at the top of my game. I didn’t miss the tournament finals because I was knocked out Don, I wasn’t in the tournament from the get start. You thinking I’m below you on the totem pole and thus will just roll over is a trap Don. I may not be able to take you out of Uprising, but what I can do, and will do, is take you out of the main event spotlight. I’ve already been there and now that you’re not in title contention, now that you’ve fallen from grace I can only tell you that a loss to me is it for you. Kalinda, Reagan, Sativa or hell, even Chris Mosh would love to see you in a match but me? I’m above you. I was seven years when we stepped into the ring for the first time and I still am.
Stone puts the glass down on the table and sits up, getting closer to the lens.
Matt Stone:
It’s been a minute since I made one of these and this is where I’d say if you don’t like what I’m saying you have one option, but you’ve sorta already used my sign off, didn’t you? I could use your catchphrase but “I’ll recover from this devastating loss” doesn’t really have that succinct ring to it that I enjoy. So instead I’m just going to circle back to what I was saying earlier. Doubting me is a trap Don, but since you’ve proven that you like walking into traps like a rogue who took no ranks in perception, there’s only one thing left for you to do. Catch the football, Willie.
With that, the camera cuts to black as a voice over from Wicker Man plays: Nicolas Cage screaming about the bees.