Post by Her Imperial Majesty Kalinda I on Jan 8, 2021 19:34:01 GMT -5
SOMETIME IN THE LAST WEEK, AS TIME HAS LOST ALL MEANING IN THE 37 YEARS SINCE LAST FRIDAY
The screen shifts and writhes, turning to static before clearing for a moment to display an image before turning to static again. A crumbling brick wall. The ruin of an old water mill catching fire as the surface of the water burns with flames. A tree falling over and splitting open upon impact, the interior filled with rot. A time-lapse of a flower, the petals drying out and falling away. And then a humble cellphone. The haunting seven note whistle begins to play, but the last two notes are replaced by the Twitter notification noise.
The screen lights up, displaying a set of numerals twice, 06660, the zeroes looking strange and distorted, the color on them changing and flickering. The cell phone's screen turns black, and a torrent of black goo spews out, making the cameraman jump back in shock.
From the pool of gunk rises the form of UPRISING's resident Necromancer Queen, Kalinda Kriegsdottir, who for the first time since she's debuted in UPRISING can be seen without a speck of glitter, nor even a speck of pastels, pink, or purple (aside from her usual coloration).
Somehow she's managed to cast off the demands of her fey curse, and in doing so has adopted what looks rather like the rest of the armor set that her gauntlet comes from, as the lot of it is black metal and leather with bleached white bones and brown-black horns.
Instead of the goofy possum hat, a horned skull helmet adorns her head, one of its eye sockets marred with an X-shaped cut. It was not a fresh wound, and the creature it once was survived the loss of its eye and lived long enough to heal.
But the eyes of the skull are blazing with eldritch light, and so are those of the Handmaiden of the Smoking Scythe, adorned in the full regalia of a Hand of Arimus.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"I thought I had a nemesis. I thought I had somebody who understood me. I thought I'd finally found somebody who cared about what they did."
Kalinda's voice is flat and monotone in contrast to her blazing eyes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"I believed in you, Don Tirri, and here you are just like all the scum that I've ever worked with. I really thought you were the one, my right and proper nemesis. A friendly rival with whom I could casually trade banter with back and forth."
"I was happy for you when you won our match, because if it wasn't me I most certainly wanted it to be you. Somebody who got it, somebody who understood, somebody who knew what they were doing. Somebody who had worked tirelessly in this industry for so long, never being able to reach the pinnacle. I thought you were a kindred spirit."
"And I was wrong about that, and I have no one to blame but myself."
Kalinda turns to the table and cups her hands, scooping up a portion of the viscous goo left there. She blows on it, a small ember leaving her mouth to catch the fluid alight. She casually drops it onto the floor, setting the whole mess, and herself, ablaze.
She holds up her hands and the flames twist and bend as the camera zooms in, taking the shape of herself in a t-shirt, ballcap, and sunglasses seated as if she were in a car, just as she was in her previous promo.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR, 2 WEEKS AGO
"Nobody wanted to have an honest to gods back and forth dialog, a volley of insults, a battle of wits. Week after week, month after month, year after year of hearing nothing but the same tired old cliches and the same recycled bullshit falling out of their mouths again and again and again."
Kalinda spreads her arms wide, the effigy of fire vanishing.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"And yet, here you are Don, here you are trotting out the same tired old bullshit that I was sick and tired of years ago the first time I heard it."
"Go ahead, Don. Go ahead and join all the rest. Go ahead and lie and say that I'm ugly. That I'm unmarketable. That I drive off viewers. That I'm a joke."
"Go ahead, Don. Talk about Game of Thrones, talk about Lord of the Rings. Call me Puff the Magic Dragon. Call me Barney the Dinosaur."
"Go ahead, Don. They're yours. You've earned them. You want to shitpost. You want to troll. You want to put in no effort at all into what had been a lovely and wholesome little rivalry, go ahead, Don. You have my permission."
"Go ahead, Don. Continue your metamorphosis into the eternal bastion of bland, boring, unentertaining suck that you seem intent on becoming. Embrace it. Cradle that mediocrity close to you like one of the endless parade of lovers you've taken. Show it the passion that you've sucked out of your banter in order to fuel your ascension."
"But thank you, Don, thank you for reminding me that I am an Evil Overlord, and that everyone fails me eventually. I thought that you were a proper villain, but no. Wave a bit of gold in front of your face, promise you a shot at a thing conjured out the ether, give you the opportunity to be the first at something and you shed your villainy like a serpent sheds its skin."
Kalinda's attention is drawn to something off camera and the camera turns to see Kalinda's Dragonspawn minion, the undead-fey-clown-dragon-thing Claudia Kajara coming in holding a phone.
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"Boss lady, you ought to see this."
Claudia is waving a phone around, and the camera cuts out shortly after the smaller, pinker dragoness begins to browse the phone.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"Well, shit. He literally just did all the crap he just said he would. I've got nowhere to go with this from here."
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I'm sure we'll manage to come up with something, boss."
Kalinda has switched back to her casual attire, while Claudia is still dressed as a pastel hybrid of a schoolgirl and an MMA fighter. Kalinda is eating a slice of pizza while Claudia is upside down on the sofa and playing video games on the TV.
The screen displays the words "BREAKING NEWS" and then cuts to video of a dumpster fire.
The camera cuts to Claudia and Kalinda on the sofa, both staring at the TV making horrified D: faces.
Kalinda and Claudia are now somehow located under the sofa, their tails sticking out, a folder paper sign reading "DO NOT DISTURB THE ANXIETY DRAGONS."
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"How many days ago was Bean Dad? Because it feels like it's been weeks, or months."
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I ain't checkin'. I'm half sure I'll look at the calendar and find that we've added a new, 13th horrible month to 2020."
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"So, how should we stick an ending on the promo?"
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I dunno, boss. That Tirri guy says he hates it when you're long winded and high falutin' and pretentious and stuff. Sooooo…"
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"You know what? I think I have just the thing."
Kalinda smiles wickedly. The remaining two and a half hours of video feature a bunch of rodent skeletons dressed up in tiny cardboard costumes acting out an interpretive dance version of the 1986 classic "Transformers: The Movie" with a six-armed, winged humanoid skeleton playing a trio of synthesizers for the music, as well as functioning in the role of Unicron.
The screen lights up, displaying a set of numerals twice, 06660, the zeroes looking strange and distorted, the color on them changing and flickering. The cell phone's screen turns black, and a torrent of black goo spews out, making the cameraman jump back in shock.
From the pool of gunk rises the form of UPRISING's resident Necromancer Queen, Kalinda Kriegsdottir, who for the first time since she's debuted in UPRISING can be seen without a speck of glitter, nor even a speck of pastels, pink, or purple (aside from her usual coloration).
Somehow she's managed to cast off the demands of her fey curse, and in doing so has adopted what looks rather like the rest of the armor set that her gauntlet comes from, as the lot of it is black metal and leather with bleached white bones and brown-black horns.
Instead of the goofy possum hat, a horned skull helmet adorns her head, one of its eye sockets marred with an X-shaped cut. It was not a fresh wound, and the creature it once was survived the loss of its eye and lived long enough to heal.
But the eyes of the skull are blazing with eldritch light, and so are those of the Handmaiden of the Smoking Scythe, adorned in the full regalia of a Hand of Arimus.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"I thought I had a nemesis. I thought I had somebody who understood me. I thought I'd finally found somebody who cared about what they did."
Kalinda's voice is flat and monotone in contrast to her blazing eyes.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"I believed in you, Don Tirri, and here you are just like all the scum that I've ever worked with. I really thought you were the one, my right and proper nemesis. A friendly rival with whom I could casually trade banter with back and forth."
"I was happy for you when you won our match, because if it wasn't me I most certainly wanted it to be you. Somebody who got it, somebody who understood, somebody who knew what they were doing. Somebody who had worked tirelessly in this industry for so long, never being able to reach the pinnacle. I thought you were a kindred spirit."
"And I was wrong about that, and I have no one to blame but myself."
Kalinda turns to the table and cups her hands, scooping up a portion of the viscous goo left there. She blows on it, a small ember leaving her mouth to catch the fluid alight. She casually drops it onto the floor, setting the whole mess, and herself, ablaze.
She holds up her hands and the flames twist and bend as the camera zooms in, taking the shape of herself in a t-shirt, ballcap, and sunglasses seated as if she were in a car, just as she was in her previous promo.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR, 2 WEEKS AGO
"Nobody wanted to have an honest to gods back and forth dialog, a volley of insults, a battle of wits. Week after week, month after month, year after year of hearing nothing but the same tired old cliches and the same recycled bullshit falling out of their mouths again and again and again."
Kalinda spreads her arms wide, the effigy of fire vanishing.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"And yet, here you are Don, here you are trotting out the same tired old bullshit that I was sick and tired of years ago the first time I heard it."
"Go ahead, Don. Go ahead and join all the rest. Go ahead and lie and say that I'm ugly. That I'm unmarketable. That I drive off viewers. That I'm a joke."
"Go ahead, Don. Talk about Game of Thrones, talk about Lord of the Rings. Call me Puff the Magic Dragon. Call me Barney the Dinosaur."
"Go ahead, Don. They're yours. You've earned them. You want to shitpost. You want to troll. You want to put in no effort at all into what had been a lovely and wholesome little rivalry, go ahead, Don. You have my permission."
"Go ahead, Don. Continue your metamorphosis into the eternal bastion of bland, boring, unentertaining suck that you seem intent on becoming. Embrace it. Cradle that mediocrity close to you like one of the endless parade of lovers you've taken. Show it the passion that you've sucked out of your banter in order to fuel your ascension."
"But thank you, Don, thank you for reminding me that I am an Evil Overlord, and that everyone fails me eventually. I thought that you were a proper villain, but no. Wave a bit of gold in front of your face, promise you a shot at a thing conjured out the ether, give you the opportunity to be the first at something and you shed your villainy like a serpent sheds its skin."
Kalinda's attention is drawn to something off camera and the camera turns to see Kalinda's Dragonspawn minion, the undead-fey-clown-dragon-thing Claudia Kajara coming in holding a phone.
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"Boss lady, you ought to see this."
Claudia is waving a phone around, and the camera cuts out shortly after the smaller, pinker dragoness begins to browse the phone.
SEVERAL TWITTER-FILLED HOURS LATER
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"Well, shit. He literally just did all the crap he just said he would. I've got nowhere to go with this from here."
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I'm sure we'll manage to come up with something, boss."
TUESDAY
Kalinda has switched back to her casual attire, while Claudia is still dressed as a pastel hybrid of a schoolgirl and an MMA fighter. Kalinda is eating a slice of pizza while Claudia is upside down on the sofa and playing video games on the TV.
WEDNESDAY
The screen displays the words "BREAKING NEWS" and then cuts to video of a dumpster fire.
The camera cuts to Claudia and Kalinda on the sofa, both staring at the TV making horrified D: faces.
THURSDAY
Kalinda and Claudia are now somehow located under the sofa, their tails sticking out, a folder paper sign reading "DO NOT DISTURB THE ANXIETY DRAGONS."
FRIDAY
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"How many days ago was Bean Dad? Because it feels like it's been weeks, or months."
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I ain't checkin'. I'm half sure I'll look at the calendar and find that we've added a new, 13th horrible month to 2020."
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"So, how should we stick an ending on the promo?"
CLAUDIA KAJARA
"I dunno, boss. That Tirri guy says he hates it when you're long winded and high falutin' and pretentious and stuff. Sooooo…"
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR
"You know what? I think I have just the thing."
Kalinda smiles wickedly. The remaining two and a half hours of video feature a bunch of rodent skeletons dressed up in tiny cardboard costumes acting out an interpretive dance version of the 1986 classic "Transformers: The Movie" with a six-armed, winged humanoid skeleton playing a trio of synthesizers for the music, as well as functioning in the role of Unicron.