Post by Her Imperial Majesty Kalinda I on Nov 28, 2023 12:44:17 GMT -5
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INT. CATERING, EARLIER TONIGHT
PLAYTIME II: THE PLAYENING 0:00
INT. CATERING, EARLIER TONIGHT
PLAYTIME II: THE PLAYENING 0:00
As Revolution goes off the air we find the Black Crusade still seated around their heavily altered Monopoly gameboard with Steve.
STEVE:
Aww! It's over already, and I was doing so well!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, you know what? I'm up for another game.
The Crusade begin to stir, being slightly unsettled by the idea of another marathon game of the ultimate soul-destroying, morale-crushing, time-consuming horror before them. But Kalinda gives them a placating hand wave.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
But I'm afraid we're going to have to play the accelerated version. I've got dastardly deeds to commit, and I'm sure Pibbles, Jay, Mayo, Ketchup, Mustard, and Relish all have lives outside of professional wrestling and being my minions that they need to attend to.
A beat.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Hard to believe though it might be.
In the background Katsudo and Seiki are gesturing broadly at one another and the condiments in question, arguing over which one of them is Ketchup and which is Mustard. It's then that none other than Rick Ravenswood decides to storm in with a rather unpleasant look upon his face.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Out. Everybody out.
The incidental staff and other wrestlers in catering clear out. CLIMAX and Mr. Hush team up and make off with the entire catering table so that they can eat (through their masks of course) out in the hall without interrupting whatever terrible temper tantrum is about to go down. Kalinda makes to get up, but she's shoved back down with a hand upon her shoulder.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Not you!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
But you said everybody? I'm included in everybody! Insinuating otherwise calls into question my personhood, which gets you a stern talking to by HR at best and a sternly worded lawsuit from my lawyers at The Esteemed Lawfirm of Zombie, Acula, and Wulfmann. Words have meaning, you know!
STEVE:
Aww, are we not going to be playing Monopoly?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We'll play Monopoly later, Steve. Apparently Carl Crowscock here has something he'd like to say in private in front of only me and any extradimensional entities that may or may not be present in the room at this point in time.
CARL CROWSCOCK:
It's Rick Ravenswood.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Same thing.
Ravenswood sweeps his arm across the table, scattering colorful money and a few dozen pewter tokens to the floor.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feel free to just toss those around. It's not like they from a dozen different game sets that cost upwards of $30 each and are tiny and very easy to lose.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Don't be flippant with me.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That was deadpan sarcasm, not flippancy.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You know what I mean!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I wouldn't have to fill in the blanks if you'd use the English language correctly. Your people are the ones who invented it, after all. Why should I be expected to use your own silly language better than you, an actual British person?
Ravenswood leans over the table, looking downward at the ever-irreverent dragoness.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
What the hell was that?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That actually was flippancy with a bit of scorn and mockery mixed in.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I meant tonight!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We played Monopoly. It's a multiplayer capitalism simulator, it requires having these things called "friends" in order to pl…
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Yes, exactly! You played Monopoly!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We did indeed. We played Monopoly for something like 45 hours spread over the course of several consecutive weekdays.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You're not supposed to be playing Monopoly!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Weird. It wasn't included in the list of rules you gave me when we made this deal. In fact, I don't recall there being such a list of rules to begin with. But there sure were a whole bunch added on after the fact.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I hired you to get rid of Gorgo!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That you did.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I wanted her out of UPRISING! I wanted her so broken in mind, body, or soul that she'd have no choice but to leave!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No, you didn't.
STEVE:
Aww! It's over already, and I was doing so well!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, you know what? I'm up for another game.
The Crusade begin to stir, being slightly unsettled by the idea of another marathon game of the ultimate soul-destroying, morale-crushing, time-consuming horror before them. But Kalinda gives them a placating hand wave.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
But I'm afraid we're going to have to play the accelerated version. I've got dastardly deeds to commit, and I'm sure Pibbles, Jay, Mayo, Ketchup, Mustard, and Relish all have lives outside of professional wrestling and being my minions that they need to attend to.
A beat.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Hard to believe though it might be.
In the background Katsudo and Seiki are gesturing broadly at one another and the condiments in question, arguing over which one of them is Ketchup and which is Mustard. It's then that none other than Rick Ravenswood decides to storm in with a rather unpleasant look upon his face.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Out. Everybody out.
The incidental staff and other wrestlers in catering clear out. CLIMAX and Mr. Hush team up and make off with the entire catering table so that they can eat (through their masks of course) out in the hall without interrupting whatever terrible temper tantrum is about to go down. Kalinda makes to get up, but she's shoved back down with a hand upon her shoulder.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Not you!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
But you said everybody? I'm included in everybody! Insinuating otherwise calls into question my personhood, which gets you a stern talking to by HR at best and a sternly worded lawsuit from my lawyers at The Esteemed Lawfirm of Zombie, Acula, and Wulfmann. Words have meaning, you know!
STEVE:
Aww, are we not going to be playing Monopoly?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We'll play Monopoly later, Steve. Apparently Carl Crowscock here has something he'd like to say in private in front of only me and any extradimensional entities that may or may not be present in the room at this point in time.
CARL CROWSCOCK:
It's Rick Ravenswood.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Same thing.
Ravenswood sweeps his arm across the table, scattering colorful money and a few dozen pewter tokens to the floor.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Feel free to just toss those around. It's not like they from a dozen different game sets that cost upwards of $30 each and are tiny and very easy to lose.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Don't be flippant with me.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That was deadpan sarcasm, not flippancy.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You know what I mean!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I wouldn't have to fill in the blanks if you'd use the English language correctly. Your people are the ones who invented it, after all. Why should I be expected to use your own silly language better than you, an actual British person?
Ravenswood leans over the table, looking downward at the ever-irreverent dragoness.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
What the hell was that?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That actually was flippancy with a bit of scorn and mockery mixed in.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I meant tonight!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We played Monopoly. It's a multiplayer capitalism simulator, it requires having these things called "friends" in order to pl…
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Yes, exactly! You played Monopoly!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
We did indeed. We played Monopoly for something like 45 hours spread over the course of several consecutive weekdays.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You're not supposed to be playing Monopoly!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Weird. It wasn't included in the list of rules you gave me when we made this deal. In fact, I don't recall there being such a list of rules to begin with. But there sure were a whole bunch added on after the fact.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I hired you to get rid of Gorgo!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
That you did.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I wanted her out of UPRISING! I wanted her so broken in mind, body, or soul that she'd have no choice but to leave!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
No, you didn't.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Oh, are you the expert here on what I want?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Considering how damned much I'm having to infer and guess from context because you can't phrase things properly? Apparently I am. I am the Cris Corvidcrotch Whisperer.
CRIS CORVIDSCROTCH:
Rick. Ravenswood.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Same thing.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You're not living up to your part of the bargain.
Kalinda shoves herself back from the table, her chair scraping loudly against the floor. Though her standing up doesn't really make her any more intimidating because she was actually taller sitting down.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm not living up to MY part of the bargain? Which one of us here is the one going "Oh no, Kalinda, don't use the machinery that we were supposed to be contractually obligated to use anyway to do what it was designed for!"
"Oh no, Kalinda, don't actually put Gorgo in a Seven Seconds in Heaven Butt Licking Match of which the victory condition of tonguing another wrestler's standard, normally dressed, clothing covered backside for several seconds would almost assuredly have had her actually quitting in disgust rather than debase herself to such a level!"
"Oh no, Kalinda, don't actually cause her emotional trauma by resurrecting her father's corpse and having her face it in a professional wrestling match!"
It seems like you don't ACTUALLY want Gorgo gone, because you keep cutting me off at the gods-damned knees every time I actually pitch an idea that would actually get this fucking woman out of your hair. Which she's only in in the first place because uh…
Kalinda looks down at her bare palm.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
According to my notes, you employed her to do a thing, and you didn't like the outcome. Gee, I'm starting to see a pattern developing here.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Don't cross me.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Why? The fuck are you going to do? Make sure I receive exactly zero singles title shots for another three entire seasons? I've sat on that floating one I've had for over a year because I'm not interested in titles just for the heck of it. When I cash in that sucker, I want it to mean something.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I mean it.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'm sure you do. But really, what is there that you can do to me that would actually, you know, hurt?
Kalinda slowly begins to circle around the table and Ravenswood.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Because the way I see it Mr. Bluejaysboner…
BILL BLUEJAYSBONER:
Ravenswood.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Same thing. You can't really physically threaten me, since you're you know… you and I'm me. And I'm pretty sure that my undead lawyers and their therianthropic paralegal would have you for lunch, purely from a legal perspective.
Kalinda continues to pace.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Though you have managed to trump the tired old cliche and forgo the usual rigamarole of having a goon squad that those who oppose you beat the living shit out of so consistently it becomes a running gag.
There's only so many times you can see a seven and a half foot tall man get his shoulders pinned to the mat by somebody a third of his size before all the terror and mystique is gone.
And it's not like you can just outright fire me.
After all, if you could just fire Gorgo and make her go away, you wouldn't be standing here talking to me about failing to do my job when you've so thoroughly stood in my way from actually accomplishing what you wanted me to.
You're your own worst enemy, Mr. Magpiesmember.
MERV MAGPIESMEMBER:
RAVENSWOOD!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
SAME THING!
And rather than actually giving me what I need to actually fucking get the job done, here you are trying to threaten me.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I'm not trying to threaten you, I am threatening you!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Keep telling yourself that if it's what you need to get through the day, hun.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You have one more chance, one more match. If you haven't made any progress, any REAL progress on getting Gorgo out of my company, you're going to regret it.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
I'd do the mocking spooky fingers, but some Scandinavian dipshit went and ruined that hand gesture for the entire company.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Since you've had well over a year, I'm sure it's not going to be a big deal if I revoke that floating title shot you have. If you're not going to use it, then you can lose it.
Kalinda stops dead in her tracks.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
You didn't give it to me. You have no right to take it away.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
And what are you going to do about it if I do?
The two glare at one another.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
...fine. Load me up with the restrictions up front this time.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
You've got that check from Gorgo, assuming it didn't bounce, that's your budget.
Nothing that would get us in trouble with our sponsors or the law. So no grave robbing, no sexual harassment, no breaking into her home and stealing her pet dog and baking it into a pie…
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Excuse me? There are some deep, dark depths of WrestleCrapdom that I will not stoop to or emulate and the Pepper Steak thing is one of them!
Ravenswood scowls at her.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Though I will note down that you don't want me, or anybody else at the Black Crusade, or anyone tangentially related or associated to the Black Crusade to drag Spiral's coffin behind the BIG BLACK SCHOOLBUS FROM HELL or any other similar automotive vehicle, as fun as that may have been.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Definitely no graverobbing and coffin surfing.
No animating the dead.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
But I even wrote an entire entry theme jingle for when I was going to reanimate Marisol's favorite fitness guru and Gorgo's favorite singing cowboy, "Stinking" Jack LaLanne and "Rancid" Roy Rogers and force them to fight their decayed idols!
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Don't even do anything remotely resembling that!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Oh come on! You don't think people would mark out to "It's Stinkinh, it's Stinking Jack LaLanne, Lanne, Lanne, Lanne…"
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Warner Brothers would sue.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
They wouldn't. Yakko and Wakko would think it was hilarious!
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Not the cartoon characters! The actual Warner Brothers!
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Parody lyrics are fair use! It's why I can do what I do every single specially named big show we have.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
I don't want to get sued for aiding crimes that haven't even been invented yet because nobody's been bloody daft enough to dig up a blender pitchman and a warbling cow herder, bring them back to life…
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Technically I wouldn't be bringing them back to life. They're souls are quite well departed by now. I'm half convinced y'all don't even actually have an afterlife around here because every time I try to do something soul related it goes…
Kalinda extends six inches of forked tongue and blows a raspberry while Rick Ravenswood massages his temples.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Keep to your budget, nothing gross, no crimes against nature, decency, or the laws of the universe.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Just say no fun.
The two just glare at one another in silence.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
...fine. But I am going to need something from you.
Ravenswood sighs deeply.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
What is it?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
For what I've got in mind, I'm going to need a main event spot.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Why?
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Well, with what I have in mind, nobody's going to want to use the ring after the match is done. It might be a little… you know…
Kalinda waves her hand from side to side.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
Fine. You have your main event spot.
Kalinda grins, showing off her maw full of large, sharp teeth.
KALINDA KRIEGSDOTTIR:
Nice doing business with you, Mr. Ravenswood.
RICK RAVENSWOOD:
IT'S RAVENSW…
Rick Ravenswood throws his hands up in the air and looks to the heavens before shaking his head and turning to walk away.